Things in transition…

Things in transition…

Life is fluid.  Things are changing.  I see it everything I do.  I want to put better more quality stuff in my body. I want to spend time with better quality of people.  I want to be a positive environment.  These little things change and I see myself growing as an individual. 

fuck it... I am going home

 

 

The success in my failure...

The success in my failure…

You know where I have been? Do you not?  I have been in the Rabbit Hole, or am I still there?  It is hard to tell when you are in the shit or just coming out of it.  I am blogging today to say that I will not be going to PG this year.  I cancelled my hotel reservations today.  I am not even really sure how I feel about it, either.  Part of me is relieved because I really do hate swimming in the Kelp.  Part of me is really bummed out because I feel like I failed. 

Well I did fail.  I sat on here and announced the return of the Black Reaper to racing.  I said twice this year that I was going to do events and twice this year I am going to be a no show.  Sure, I would have gone and swam if my tri teammates hadn’t back out.  However, I wouldn’t have wanted to because I have not been as focused on the swim as I should be.  Also, I was going to do the sprint, however, after a few anal raping session on my bike, I decide to fat to ride.   So that not only took out the sprint but also the ride I was supposed to do in August in Napa.  Two events and two failures and I know what you are saying.  Bill why don’t you just lose weight and stop making excuses?

I know you are saying this because I am asking myself the same question right now.  Why so many excuses.  Why are there always excuses?  You failed Billy b, just accept it.  You FAILED!

The truth is yes, I failed, however the failure was not being able to be ready for two endurance events.  The failure was not properly planning them out.  The failure was trying to them while I was trying to do other things. Important things, like going down the rabbit hole. 

What I see right now is the simple fact that my weight is not a product of me wanting to or needing to exercise. I do it. I walk. I walked a shit ton this summer.  I was on a program and I followed it. 

I fail because my weight is based on hunger either.  I don’t think I have been really hungry for years.  I think my body is starving for natural goodness and greens.  However, my stomach has been full since I can remember.  I just keep forcing shit in there. 

My issue is a game of the mind.  I have told you here repeatedly that my mind broke somewhere along the line. I forgot all the wonderful things about me.  I failed to see all the good things I have done and did. 

I completed my first Novelette the other day and no I am still not willing to share it.  It was the first time in my life that I saw something I wanted to do to the end.  The joy of doing that was fucking remarkable.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much confidence that gave me.  I don’t give a shit if no one ever reads it. I did it.  9,980 plus words and I wrote it. 

I have spent countless hours with Sue picking up the pieces of my shattered life.  I learned to deal with things. I have seen situations I should have handled differently.  I have been challenged to tell Sue how I would deal with those differently now and apparently stabbing everyone but me in the throat with a number 2 pencil is not an acceptable answer.  I see the value in coming clean and not holding things in.  In facing and dealing with issues head on.  I have come farther in this one year of therapy than I have in the 15 years prior to this.  I looked at my demons, all of my demons in the face and accepted them for what they were.  Things such as jealousy, anger, hate, and resentment, you know all the things that lead us to the dark side.  Only issue is at the end of my journey to the dark side I was a fat bastard who could barely tie my own shoes, not a mother fucking bad as Dark Knight of the Sith!

Am I perfect?  No, am I better yes.  I am not the man who started writing a year ago.  I am not the man who was on the back porch with a friend and agreeing the versions of me was a piss poor one.  My mind is no longer a prison.  I am happy.  I am coming to work before time and staying past time.  I am writing almost every day still.  I am walking and swimming whenever I can. I am drinking green smoothies like they were going out of style.  I am giving my body more of what it needs. 

I think one of my favorite saying on this blog has been “Why do we fall?”  “It is so we can learn to get back up!” Thanks Batman Begins!  I think that is true. It has been a long fall from grace.  I have not lived up to my potential and am ok with that.  I am not doing the races I wanted to do this year, and I am ok with that.  Because I am exactly where I need to be today in my life and I am doing what I need to get better.  

So, if you want to look at the negative and say yes I failed, then your mind is as small and simple as mine used to be, because when I read this, even with a few weekends not going my way, I am still very, very successful, and doing exactly what I need to be doing for me!

 

And…

 

The TOWER is closer!

There is only what we accept that there is…

There is only what we accept that there is…

There is only one reality.   That is the reality we are willing to accept in our own mind.  It has taken me a long time to realize that and I had to go down into my personal rabbit hole to get there.  I wish I could sit here and saying coming out of the weekend that started the buddy system that everything was all shits and giggles and you know what I am “A-OK!”   I am not.  We aren’t there yet.  The truth is as we get into the area of a year out from the start of all this, our anniversary is 9/11 of fucking days right is just 9 days away, we have to as the inevitable question “How did we do?”

I think the answer is inevitably in each and every one of us to choose for one self just how far we have come.  The other thing is I have to admit for the first time dear reader, I don’t really give to shits what you think.  The truth is there is only what we accept there is when it come to our own realities.  What you see in your eyes might not be what I see in mine and vice versa.  Also, since I am that master of my own reality, only my opinion will create my existence. 

What I see is a man who was needy and unsure of himself taking his life into his own hands to make his reality better.  He dug into his past and present all in hopes to create a future that is beautiful.  None of this has been easy on me.  I have left people behind trying to get in the best possible place for me. 

I see my reality now as one that is beautiful.  It is overflowing with hope and excitement.  I accept for the first time in a long time I am a good writer.  I have lots to brush up on. Grammar, spelling, words use however, the frame work is there.  When I write some you want to read more.  I do that.  That freaks me out.  That I can paint a window into another universe and you can look into there and see something a live and growing. 

I see my reality that my heart is truly big and I am giving. Yes the boy was an ass.  Yes he was a bully that used words as a weapon.  However, that boy did grow into a man.  He grew up and learned from his mistakes.  He still is learning from them.  At the same time though he is giving everything he can to his friends and people around him to make the world just a little bit more tolerable.  Whether it is his gift of laughter, his whit, or word, it matters not each day he stands up and try’s to give as much to the world as he takes.

I see my reality slowly but surely developing the lifestyle I want.  Eating the foods that I need to nourish the body, not just fill it with crap.  I see myself starting to take charge of what I want and need.  I do my best to become the person that I want to be. The truth is I want to be an athlete.  I want to swim, bike, and run.  I want to get up early on the weekends and race.  I want to what most people won’t do.  I don’t want to be home anymore.  I want to be out there in the world. 

I see this now.  Here in this time and this place.  I see that the one year later we aren’t anywhere close to the end, we are still just at the beginning and that is ok.  This is an endurance race, not a sprint.  I will take my time and run my race at my pace.  I am on no one’s time table but my own. 

Honestly, I can’t remember being as happy as I have been in the last week for a long time.  For the first time in years, I realize that I am in total control of my destiny.  I can make the reality that I want.  Live the life others only dream of.  Today is a good day to be on the path of the beam.  Today is a good day to see the tower off in the distance just on the crest of the horizon. Tell me do you see it to?  It is there. 

Go then, there are other worlds than these…

9,980

Nine thousand, nine hundred, and eighty words.  That is what I patched together over the last week for one story.  They call that type of story a novelette I guess.  A novella that deals with something tribal or sentimental themes.  It is also a narrative work of prose fiction shorter than a novella and longer than a short story.  Examples of such stories include "Children of the Corn" by the master King himself.  The Birds was also a Novelette and google tells me it is the most famous of all time.  I don't really care what you call it.  Tonight marks a wonderful step forward for me.  It marks the first time that I wrote a beginning, a middle, and a end to a story.  the only problem is you can't read it :D  I won't post it here today.  I am superstitious I guess and I don't want anyone to read it until re-write is done, and I sent it out.  the point is I did it.  I really did it.  I am so proud of myself.  I have really been writing a lot in the last year, more than I ever have.  I was told that 2014 was gonna be my year and well I think it is.  So, I am going to bed now happy as can be, and with the knowledge I put my mind to something, I started it and finished it. That feels good!

We are making a difference.  Each day we get a little bit better than the day before.  Each day we get closer to our finish line.  

Billy b and the Twenty Years in between.....

Terre Haute is half a country away and Terre Haute South and the class of 1994 is half a life away.  Tonight many of my classmates will celebrate our twenty-year reunion.  Obviously as I sit typing on my back porch in California I will not be one of them.  Will I be missed some say "Si", some say "No".

Billy b - summer before Sr. Year at THS!


There are many reasons that I didn't go back.  New job and new responsibilities.  Terre Haute is home and well home is home.   My blood is to thick for Indiana and I have never been able to properly express myself in the humidity of July and August.  Mostly, I am a poor reforestation of the man I left Terre Haute searching for.  I don't think anyone there would give to shits that I am fat as a Christmas Goose.  However, this reason shames me and I just couldn't go back with not putting my best foot forward.  Dumb I know.  Guess what I am hiding behind my weight one more time, because let's face it that's exactly what I do.

I left The Haute lost and I have drifted ever since.  Chasing an idea that I can actually be ok living on my own and in my own skin.  I have spent a lifetime searching for acceptance everywhere but where I should have look and that is in my own minds eye.

I wish to all the old gods and new ones that I could see myself just for one second thru the eyes of my friends and co-workers.  That my over compensation would good and weight is just a crutch.  That it is not needed because even without it I matter and I make a difference.   I never saw this in high school.   I see a glimmer if it now.  I see it out there in the near future and I see it in the form of my tower!  I know my tower is closer!  I see it on the horizon, it fades in and out but I see it shimmering in the distance on my path.

However I know it has never been my body that made a difference.  No.  That's not what anyone ever loved Billy b for.  Instead it was what was under the service that he tried so hard to hide so he could be like his brothers and every other high school boy he ever met.

It was his heart, his soul, and his beautifully flawed mind.  His heart is still the size of the moon and is forever giving.  He is still empathetic even if it was rare that he showed this growing up.  He feels.  He feels on a level very few can understand.

His mind makes him unique.  His mind makes him have a lot to offer far beyond anything else.  He is the smartest if smart Asses, trained by the legendary Ben Laycock.  His wit is fast and hard and he never met a line he didn't want to push as far as it could go.  He accepts his mind is flawed and it gets stuck like a record player on a scratch.  However more importantly it can create worlds.  It sees things in a unique and wonderful perspective that the light will inevitably out shine the dark.  That there is good in this world and in the end the human spirit isn't a cruel and evil husk.

Twenty years is a long time to live wandering the secret highways of addiction, hate, and fear.  Twenty years is to long to hide from the man you were born to be and from the life you seek.  I have no regrets not going back.  However there are people that I miss and wish I could see, and to them I say if KA wills it, then our paths shall cross again.


To Poogie Adler, my good buddy Chip, and Hammie Horns, I love you my brothers!  I miss you and we shall speak soon!


To the rest of my classmates I say:

“So don't worry about tomorrow

Take it today

Forget about the cheque

We'll get hell to pay
Have a drink on me

Have a drink on me

Yeah

Have a drink on me

Have a drink on me

On me”

Have fun, enjoy the memories and I'll see you next time around!

The need of my addiction

My name is Billy b and I am an addict.  I don’t have an addiction anything that would make you say damn, poor bastard.  Basically, I am saying I not hooked on Sweet Lady H, Cocaine, Booze, nicotine, or hell even porn (although this one could be argued, I am a perv after all).  No, I am addicted to eating.  I think I have said this before, but I didn’t really believe it.  Not because I can’t look in the mirror and see I am huge, full, and not hungry and I just keep on eating. 

No I didn’t believe it because I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t think my issue was worthy.  I wanted to ignore it and just hope that one day I would wake up without it.  I didn’t want to admit that I was weak.  I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem that I couldn’t fix and make better on my own.   However, I think I finally realize now, that I can’t.

I am 100% sure that my weight will take care of itself as soon as I get my mind right.  My mind has come a really long way.  The prison walls that once existed might still be there, but they aren’t as strong as they once were. 

If anything, I think I have learned from my time in rabbit hole.  I learned that if I try to measure success in pounds that I am not very successful.  However, if I measure success on whom I have become mentally, and emotionally then I can hold my head up high and pull my shoulders back and say,  gods be  damned I have come a long way.

However, what I can’t get around is the eating.  The need to not only make me full but fuller then I already am.  I can binge on four burger at M’s and then still get up the next morning and want a full breakfast.  I can drink 7 liters of water a day and still somehow find a way to put more food into my system on top of a completely full tummy. 

You have to understand this need is not hunger.  It is part boredom.  It is part need.  It is part trying to fill up my soul with something other than the black I live in constant fear of.   

I will end with two stories today, and hopefully be able to return to regular blogging tomorrow.  I have missed writing and sharing.  I have a need to externalize everything to make it real to me.  So, I guess I have not felt very real lately.

The first story is last Friday, I didn’t eat dinner.  It felt so strange to me.  I felt empty almost.  I wasn’t feeling well.  My neck hurt from the whiplash and I just didn’t want to get out of bed after lying down at 4:30 PM to just relax.  To not eat a meal shouldn’t feel so strange.  It is normal, if you aren’t hungry, then you don’t eat.  It is a concept that the addicted mind doesn’t understand.  I understand eating, three or four times a day. 

The other story is that on Saturday I went on a feverish writing frenzy.  I wrote and I wrote.  I lost all track of space and time as I created in my office.  It might take me four hours to seven pages, but none the less I felt so productive.  The entire time I never once thought about eating. I had to remember to eat something that night before I went to bed. 

These are both stories I don’t really understand.  However, I am hoping that it is the start of me seeing that I can detach myself from my addiction.   It would seem to me that I can live a life without the compulsion in my mind to eat, eat, and then eat some more.  I just have to start doing each day little bit more. 

In conclusion a friend approached me at work last week and said hey I want to talk to you as a friend.  I rolled my eyes and sure ok, why not.  I mean how many times have I had a friend talk to me about trying to help me get healthy.  I was surprised this one would approach me about it.  When we met she told she had a friend who had gone to OA.  Lost a significant amount of weight and has kept it off for two years. 

I told her about my one time trip to OA and how as much as I respect people of faith, it just wasn’t for me.  She assured me her friend was a new age thinker.  That she it couldn’t hurt.  What I was most surprised by is that I wanted to meet with this person and that I finally wanted help and I accept the fact that I can’t do this alone. 

The whole purpose of this blog was because I can’t do this alone.   I know that I am in need of the help and support that only my friends and family can provide.  However, I also need an arena free of those who know me.  I need an arena of people who have had their own battles with demons. 

I think I have finally accepted that admitting I am an addict doesn’t mean I am a weak person or that I have major issues.  I think it I have finally just realized that maybe just maybe I have a really shitty way of coping with things in my life that are outside of my control.   I know I have other tools to quiet my mind: swimming, walking, and writing and I need to distance myself from my food.  I need to focus on the holy trilogy of healthy outlets and be better in this moment than I was in the last. 

We are no the eve of the Labor Day weekend.  A year ago in a fog of smoke, and Coors light two old friends.  I and Master Krug (wish you were here buddy) hatched an idea to be better than we were.  I know the Master has lost weight and is getting more active all the time.  I know I am better than I was a year ago, and the best is yet to come. 

 

Late swim

It would be so easy to lay down and not go... It would.  I'm home, I've eaten.  I've checked emails.  I've Facebook stalked.  I've walked puppy.  I've tried to join a sales group on linked in, and I've put my dry cleaning out.  By all accounts not a bad night, right? 

Then why am I compelled to do more?  Why am I he'll bent on trying out the new gym and pool tonight?  It's 8:30 PM.  Why go?

Because I want more out of life than what I have today!  I want my life back.  I want to feel the pool water all around me.  I want to push my body.  I want to chase down another 60,000 meters!  I want to get back in charge of my life.

Look, I will measure success in pounds.  I won't measure success in blogs.  I won't measure it in page views.  I'll measure it in how I feel.  Right now I feel good.  I come thru so much of the rabbit while already.  I'm smiling again.  I'm energized.  

----

11:24 pm update

The pool was awesome at active sports the three day free trial my therapist got me is nice.  The pool allows for great turns, it is the perfect depth at both ends.  I did 1100 boob.  It was tough.  However I nailed it!  

Like I said the gym is nice.  Two saunas in the men's locker room and a hot tub, what??? Ya a hot tub, rub a dub dub billy gonna hot tub, rub a dub dub dub!

Shiner is crazy tonight she is running around like a mad dog.  She is in the bath room right now.  I don't know why when I say go to your mom's room she goes in there?  I was heading into my room and she poked her head out and looked at me.  When I looked back she turned her head and looked into living room.    I shut my door, but not all the way.  I looked back out and she was looking at my door.  I opened the door and looked at her she turned to the living room :) she was trying to be all nonchalant about wanting attention.  We did this five times, before I had her come over for a belly rub.  She is a good puppy :)

Good day today, good night tonight!