The Green Shirt…

I close my eyes and I see it.  The vision is clear.  It is me.  Not who I was but who I am.  Who I will be once again after the transformation is complete.  My eyes are closed and they are closed tight and I see it everything is almost perfect.  The beard is not quite right.  Not thick enough around the chin.  The hair is all wrong too.  My hair isn’t short anymore.  I am not sure if it will ever be again.  It just touches the broad shoulders.  Yes, that is the image.  A thinner man, a strong man, and a man that is ready to be.  I see it.  Do you see it?  It is coming back.  I have hidden from the world for too long.  For sins that were committed by another man in another life.  Cheap vandalism, drunken nights, fights, and mistakes with women don’t define an entire life, they define points in time.  I went to college to become trainable.  I have lived my life to become a man.  Am I a bear?  Yes.  Do I feel hate, rage, and anger?  Yes.  Am I remorseful? Yes.  Should I punish myself?  No.  The truth is I have punished myself enough for past and future sins as you would call them.  I see now that I am the asshole.  I accept that.  I accept myself.  I can spew venom.  I can destroy.  I can hurt.  I lash out.  I am in the words of the great Axl Rose a molotov cocktail with a match to go.  However, I am also beautiful.  I have a heart that wants nothing more to give.  I have a mind that creates worlds.  All I truly desire is peace and happiness, not just for those I know but for the entire fucking world.  I am only a man.  I make mistakes.  I am broken and flawed, but I am beautiful and creative as well.  It has become my life’s mission to not only understand why and how I act, but to change it.  For no other reason than to balance out my own soul and live the life I deserve and want to live.  Letting go of years of hate, anger, and rage is tough.  Changing the perception you have of yourself as an angry lost soul is hard.  That is my perception.  I am not sure what yours is of me.  I honestly don’t even care.  My soul is broken and tortured.  However, I see light at the end of the tunnel.  I see a life full of love and happiness.  I see the feats I will conquer.  I see the people I will share it with.  I see my tower and my path to salvation.  I see the man in the green shirt, and khaki’s.  I see his trim lean body, his thick neck that is partially covered by his golden brown locks.  I see his strong hands not hidden in pockets because he is unsure of what to do with them, but rather at his sides because he is comfortable, he is confident.  I see him now, not in khaki’s.  No, I see him preparing for a race.  Is it a big race or a small one?  I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.  He stands in front of the mirror; he is only wearing his Tri shorts.  He is looking at his thighs.  They are huge.  The thunder thighs his father always talked about.  They are like tree trunks, but they are a weapon.  They will make him the king of the hill today.  He rides as effortlessly uphill as he does down.  That is because his legs have pushed 400 pounds uphill for so long, they are now well oiled machines.  He loves his thighs.  They are part of his best attribute, his legs.  His legs have been chiseled from marble.  The Greek gods of old couldn’t help but be jealous of his legs.  Again he looks down at the left, then the right.  They are things of perfection.  They are marred and marked up by scars, road rash, and other badges of honor picked up once again by carrying around and pushing around 400 plus pounds for so many years.  He smiles to himself.  His lower body is the envy of any man.  I see that.  Do you?  Can you?  My mind sees it every time I close my eyes.  It burns into my head, like so many other obsessions over this lifetime.  He shakes his hair off his shoulders, and he slowly starts to bring his head up.  He sees his stomach, he actually sees his stomach and in his stomach he sees muscles.  It is not a six pack, no but he does see his stomach muscles and he smiles.  His stomach is lean and trim and he sees it.  It was a stranger for so long.  Hidden from him, but no more he sees it.  When he gets to his cut chest and his chest is huge.  It was well muscled when he was fat.  So now it large muscular and firm, and he can’t help but laugh.  He looks at the kanji symbols above his heart.  The ones put there for his rebirth, the ones to serve as the minder of where he was and how far he has come in this life time.  Do you see this?  I see it. I see it in my mind’s eye.  Can you believe can you conceive?  If I could, would you?  It matters not, I see it, and I see it when I close my eyes.  I see a complete and total transformation from a fat frump to an Adonis.  He rolls his neck.  Today is a big day.  He will have to swim, bike, and run.  He can do it.  He has done it before.  His hair falls into his eyes and he smiles.  He doesn’t mind it.  He pushes it behind his ears.  He looks in the mirror at his arms.  His broad shoulders and he sees his tattoos the sun.  Oh how he loves the sun.  Why do you think his body is so dark?  So tan?  So healthy looking?  He lives in it.  He loves it.  He worships it.  Ra, Apollo, Awondo, and Tonatiuh have only a loyal servant in him.  He loves the sun.  He believes in it and worships it.  It was the fuels that powered his transformation.  He sees the tattoos on his left arm, the symbol of his transformation.  The one thing he always needed to do and never did.  The Kanji symbol for believe covers his left arm.  He looks deeply in the mirror as he pulls on his green race shirt.  As he covers his shoulder and chest, he laughs out loud.  He is amazed by what he has become.  He wonders how she ever let him out of bed, because he looks good.  He has done it.  He looks at the man in the green shirt and he starts to visualize his race.  Visualize is the key.  It has always been the key.  It has unlocked his true self.  The man in the green shirt is ready.  He is coming.  He has arrived.    

INK

I am going to be honest; I believe the transformation has begun.  Though I am not eating perfectly at every meal and still having a lot of sugar.  Sugar is bad man.  It’s a bad trip man.  I am hooked on it.  However, I am transitioning off of it.  Just one of many things that have to change in my life but I know I am on the path.  The path of the beam to the Dark Tower, my Tower, KA, the change is upon us.  Every morning and night this week I have done the visualization techniques.  It’s really amazing.  Spending you time thinking positive.  It is something I have done a lot of over the last 20 years.   So, I turn on my ipad, rock my good vibes music, and watch the photos of who will be pass in front of me of who I am inside and who I will be on the outside.  What do I say to people who don’t believe?  Nothing, it doesn’t matter.  Their beliefs are theirs and mine are mine.  Last night, I actually meditated for 20 minutes.  What?  It was actually very Zen.  In my mind’s eye I kept seeing the picture of me and Dinger.  The one where I am in the green shirt, and I see that is who I am supposed to be. I take steps each day to free the mind and body to become. 

I have always seen this transition in four phases:  Believe; Remembrance; being who I am supposed to be; and doing the impossible.   In this dream, I have always imagined that as a reward for each trial being successfully passed, I would get a reward for it.  As strange as this might sound now that types it, I am trying to change my body, only show I can change my body.  I see my reward in four distance symbols that I want to etch it on my body, so that I will never forget it in my mind.  

Also, I fucking like ink.  I do.  I love the tattoo.  Why don’t I have any?  Because I am scared, however, I will conquer that fear like so many others.  I think ink can be bad ass. I think it can be sexy.  New and bright with lots of colors or older and a little faded, it can still be fucking cool.  They are erotic, deep, sensual, creepy, whatever, they are Bad Ass.  The tramp stamp, the arm band, the tribal traditional, biomechanical, whatever the style maybe, they are cool and amazing.

So, yes, I am telling you I want to get ink.  I want four tattoos in total.  Ok, really I want five.  However, one probably will never happen, because I am not really that sure I want it on the left shoulder blade the rest of my life. 

 

 

1.       Believe – I first found this symbol when I was training for the Double Dip at Pacific Grove.  Look, I was 390 lbs and I did two triathlons in two days.  That is pretty Bad Ass.  One Olympic Distance which was a .93 mile swim, 24.8 mile bike, and a 6.2 mile walk/run.  The next day I did the sprint was .25M swim, 12.4 mile bike, and 2 mile walk/run.  To this day that weekend will always be the best in my life.  I started wear the believe symbol around my neck.  It was my facebook profile picture.  The word means so much to me, because I never did.  I never believed in me.  I start to, and then I stop.  I start again and then I stop.  When we complete this journey over the next 18 to 36 months, there will be no room for doubt.  I will believe and my left shoulder will always bear the mark of belief.  When I think about my success I think about this symbol.

 

重生

 

 

2.       Remembrance – Or what I have come to call rebirth.  Well, ok, this is how it went down.  I have high highs and low lows.  My adulthood has been covered with anxiety issues, depression, and anger.  I never want to forget who I was, because that has led me to whom I am and who I want to be.  It was the spring of 2003 and I was coming out of my second death.  Long story.  It is when I really gained my weight; I was hiding myself in San Francisco, going thru a Nirvana Phase, and was really depressed.  My Nirvana Phase turned into a Gangster Rap Phase over that spring.  50 Cent dropped get Rich or Die Tryin and Eminem was rocking the Eminem Show, and I got hooked on it.  I also dabbled in some Tupac.  That is right.  I was first and only Revenue Recognition Gangsta.  Ok, I was more like that dude at the begging of office space who rocked out to gangsta rap in his car and thought I was hard core.  You know the dude.  Ya,  I was that guy.  Anyway, I realized how depressed I had been.   I joined weight watchers at NetIQ and I dropped 80 lbs.  I started to deal with my depression issues, but I realize now I was not ready to do that yet.  Anyway, I started to paint a picture in my head of the person I wanted to be.  The man reason I see now that WW and me didn’t work is because that life was built on anger and hate and being rejected by the women who I loved at the time.  I still wonder if she ever knew?  However, I felt pain.  Pain was part of me.  Pain was everything.  When I say pain mean the hate, the anger, the fear, the self-loathing.  The journal I kept at that point can be considered nothing else but a diary of a mad-man.   So I imaged my second ink at that time. I was going to have the work PAIN tattooed across the chest.  Think about that famous picture of Tupac when he is holding his hand behind his back and his gazing off to the left (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RddqlctLnk), it’s a cartoon of him, and he has not shirt on, he is ripped and he has thug life tattooed across him tummy.  Now think of that but move the tattoo up to the chest and change thug life to PAIN, and me staring off to the left being ripped with my hands behind my back.  You would know what the cover of my autobiography would have looked like at that time.  That image has changed though.  Thanks to a random conversation with some marketing lady at work.  I realized I don’t want the word pain tattooed across the chest.  No, I don’t.  I wanted the Kanji symbol for pain tattooed over my heart, because my heart needs to remember who I was, even when that person is dead and buried (the fat angry person not me).  So I sent her an email and asked her for the kanji symbol for pain and she was like well it depends on what you mean by pain.  So I spun her my tale.  Well part of it.  I also said it was for an alcoholic I know.  Then I ended telling her the truth because it isn’t really a secret.    I have an eating issue.  Hello.  I am fat.  So, she said, pain isn’t right.  Aren’t I really looking for重生.  Which means Ribirth and she went on to say “pain just remind you that you have "pain", or had. doesn't really show how positive you become? rebirth also has the meaning of been thru a lot in life but totally changed? a "transform" of life. what do you think”  I read it and I thought KA.  Wow, this girl who sat across from me who I harassed for months giving her a hard time because she was quiet and a little scared of this big crazy dude, has such a good outlook on things.  I knew right that moment we are talking about remembernace and rebirth, not Pain.  Then she went on to say “hahaha it's Confucius' wisdom. I can help you checking the character and calligraphy, I saw some people have bad hand writing on their tattoo, looks very elementary and not pretty tho. :P Dude!!!! I can draw (amateur), I can put characters together like art/symbol if you would like to see. :)”  So, is working on my 2^nd Ink and my first ink.  Rebirth is under way and the world is mine to conquer and take!  This will be on my left breast over my heart.

 

 

3.       Being whom I am supposed to be.  One thing to say and let’s get this clear.  I am a child of the sun.  I belong outside by a pool, soaking up rays.  Or I should be out walking and taking in the rays. I was not meant to spend all my time on a couch.  Or in a cube.  No, no, no.  I was meant for greener spaces under the Sun.  I have searched long and hard for ink to represent my love of the sun.  Be of the sun are supposed to be happy.  Laugh loud and laugh hard, be kind and warm and be good people.  That is who I am supposed to be.  Not the jaded fat man who hates the world because he is too big to enjoy it.  So for life, love, and spirit and being a true creature of the sun my right shoulder will forever carry the sun with me.

4.       Doing the impossible.  Look at it.  It is a dot M.  That is what it is called.  It is the mark of the ironman.  I have never told you my dream.  I will.  It is a quiet a vision.  So, laugh now.  It’s ok.  I am 460 pounds.  It is funny.  I get it.  Enjoy it, while you can.  However, know this, and understand this about me, I have never failed to do an endurance event when I have trained.  I did two Tri’s in two days at 400 lbs.  Every one of my 20 endurance events have come with me being over 360 lbs.  So, when I become the person I want to be. When I turn off the hate and learn to love myself.  I will do it.  I will because I have written it.  My dream, my tower, my goal is at the end of 140.6 race.  I have seen it, in my dreams.  I have seen when the tears that come but won’t fall will finally flow.  I know this.  That is my dream carved down a lot.  I will spin this tale.  I just have sit down and do it.  If the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve.  I choose this path.  I can do this!  I will do this!

5.  THE BLACK REAPER – If you read KA Mai, then you know one of the sayings I said would rule my life was "Let the Black Reaper Rise".  It was meant to insight anger, fear, and hate.  I was so mad, but I was happy to.  My life, like much of my writing, like the medallions I wear on my neck is a contradiction.   I wear a Kanji symbol for believe, a cross, and a St. Christopher medal, and I even though the pain tattoo isn’t across my chest, it is.  It’s call sagging breasts and a belly that hangs.  Much like the emotions I wear on my sleeve, I wear the torment that is my live in the form of the fat wall I have hidden behind for the better part of 20 years.  It is the constant contrasts of my life. I have not believed in modern religion for a long time, yet, I am terrified to take my cross and St. Christopher off.  I often say I have made my own peace with God, however, I don’t think I have.  I am in the process of doing this.  After all what is this blog for if it isn’t to find out whom I am and where I belong, and what I believe in.  I believe in the self, yet since I have adopted the Kanji symbol, I have gained 60 pounds.  So, this speaks so much to my nature.   The duality of it, the duality of who I am.  The happy, fun loving laughing boy, who can cackle like the Joker, and have a heart as big as the universe verse the angry, rude, mean, stubborn man that is radiates hate and self-loathing,.  So, the Black Reaper represents a peace between the two.  Hei, the man behind the mask is mild mannered college kid, however, when BK-201 comes out, he is a heartless, ruthless man who uses his dark side for good.  I need to use my dark side to tell my stories.  I need to use it for my good.   So, when I see the Black Reaper Rising in my mind’s eye I see my transformation from the angry fat man.  I see me closing in on the Tower.  I see me dancing in field of roses.  I see me crossing the finish line.  I see my world, and my life changing.  I love this image.  I also love the Black Reaper who sits above this paragraph.  I think it is one of the coolest works of art I have ever seen.  I am just not 100% convinced; I want it on my left shoulder or shoulder blade for the rest of my life.   However, the duality is who I am and what I am, but not what I want to be.     

  

Next time....

First, I have to say Happy Birthday to the first friend I ever made on my own.  Thirty some years later he is still one of the best.  He has the ability to make me cackle out loud like no one else.  He is without a doubt one of the best people I know Mike Adler, I love you brother!  I can honestly say I have never met anyone else like you in my life.  You and Chip have been a gift. 

Ok.  Now down to business. I have been doing a lot of research on what is next for me.  Now, where I see myself in five years includes losing almost 300 lbs.  Time is needed.  So, I think I have to do the corporate rat race for a while longer.  I don’t think anyone is going to give me a job to maintain my blog and write fiction.  Or to give speeches on how important it is to be true to yourself and who you are. I have been going on-line thinking what do; I need in my next gig, so it can help me get to where I want to go.  So, here is Billy b’s take on what is important in the company I want to work for next and what should be important to all of us.  Again, the headings are taken from the web.  My philosophy is why do it again if it has already been done and is a combination of four or five articles found on the World Wide Web. (that is a shout out by the way) Then I went through and added what each on actually means to the kid. So if anyone doubts that this giant has been provoked.  That I am complacent and just will to sit around and wait, don't be fooled.  Now is the time of Billy b, now is the time for transformation.  From who I never wanted to be to how I want to be.  It starts with know what I want.  It starts with knowing what excites me. 

1. As little politics as possible. I know there will always be politics; it is the nature of man.  A great place to work would have little to none.  If it comes up then there would be strong enough leadership to stamp it out not fosters it and help it grow. 

2.  Transparent & Open Communication - Let’s be honest games can be fun, but I think a great work place wouldn’t have them.  You wouldn’t ever wonder how you are doing, people would tell you.  Also, co-workers and the company craves honest feedback from its employees and co-workers.  If you fuck up, then you fuck up.  Tell the person so they can deal with and move on.  Don’t needle them for it for years to come.  Or don’t imply it or talk about it behind their back. 

3. Work-Life Balance – This speaks for itself.  I will work hard, but you need to let me play hard too.  I need to be able to take a break.  To unplug, not matter what level I am at.  We all need down time.  We weren’t built for the daily grind.  Our bodies are evolved enough for it.  Give me my sick time and vacation for me.  Do this and I will give you 100% effort when it is needed.  I am an accountant in corporate finance; I am not a fucking doctor. I won’t be saving any lives in my day job.  My writing and my inspiration might save some in my night job.  However, balance is the key. 

4. Training & Development-Focused - Provides growth paths for employees and help them reach their potential, then they will help you reach yours. As an employee you should have the ability to change career paths if you’ve proven you’re loyalty, you worked hard for them and you bring passion and a good attitude to the job.

 5. Recognition For Hard Work – Recognize me.  I work my ass for you.  In a world that is what have you done for me lately, let me know what I have done for you before and still doing means something.  Show people they are doing great work and do great work and let this be the key to open all the doors.

6. Strong Team Spirit – We are a team.  The entire company and everyone in it should have one goal, make this the best place to work at and make the most money for everyone at the company. Collaboration creates a better team.  A better team leads people wanting to work harder.  Harder working people make a better team.  It is a circle.  Promote this and watch your organization flourish.

7.  A clear vision and identity. Let everyone in the organization know what we are trying to do.  If people understand where management wants to go, and how we help them get there we will work harder.  If we get the vision then we will be able to identify with it.  Then it becomes part of our daily routine. 

8.  Honest leadership and approachable leadership.  Like open communication honest and approachable leadership is key.  You have to know that people won’t share your comments and concerns with others. So there isn’t a backlash, but rather help you try to make the organization better.  Also, it will help with friction in the organization and squashing any politics.  The more we can talk to our leaders honestly without the fear of being smacked down, the happier and more satisfied we become. 

9.  Filled with passionate people. It’s the people that make the organization.  I want to be surrounded by people who want to be here doing what we need to do to achieve the vision of the company and management.

10.  A great environment and fun atmosphere.   We spend a lot of time at work.  A lot.  More time at work than with our friends and family.  We are social creatures who need to be loved.  Therefore we need a fun and creative environment where we can be ourselves.  A fun, open, energetic and creative environment can make a big difference in the overall atmosphere of a company.  We all aren’t going to be friends outside of the office, but we should be friends in it. We should laugh, it has healing power.  We should smile, b/c it makes us feel good.  Make work fun.  Make it a place people want to go to everyday.  No politics, no looking over your shoulder.  No bullshit. 

 

 

voices in the night...

If anyone can relate to what it must have been for like Haley Joel Osment in the sixth sense and hearing the dead in the cold dark of night, i think it i must be me.  what billy b you see dead people?  no.  what billy b you hear dead people?  no.  however, I do hear a call.  A whisper in the dark.  I hear it calling to me.  I hear it calling my name. I hear it talking to me.  Talking, always talking.  Always asking me to come.  To obey.  I hear it in my sleep. I hear it in my head.  I have fought with it for years and most of the time I lose the fight.  I am talking about the goodies.  the goodies in the fridge, freezer or cabinet.  So, no I don't see dead people, but I hear left overs, cookies, cakes, and ice cream calling to me from beyond.  Asking me to come.  Like the sirens of old.  If binging is my issues, then eating in the night is my bane.  I have pissed off roommates for years, getting up in the middle of the night and searching for food.  looking for sweet, or looking for salt.  of the 110 lbs i have gained in the last 6 years, i would say 30 of it is from eating in the dark, at night, when no one knows or can see.  Pretty fucking pathetic right.  i know.  so much of my life can be looked at that way.  So, last night, a night I walked out of the office with rage in my head and my heart.  I am over it.  i am done fighting.  stick a fork in this kid I am done.  this isn't the company i joined, and thought I swore i wouldn't talk about work anymore, i just can't help it.  its part of the problem not part of the solution.  so... i left bitter, but when i got outside I did something unexpected.  i walked.  i walked and i walked.  i walked hard for 20 mintues at varying speeds.  I walked.  I walked and let the anger wash over me.  I let the hate i feel in my heart for what has happened at this place in the last year, so many of best friends gone.  who is next?  but... i walked and let this go.  and i said you now what... what will be will be.  if the lord of chaos rules, he can rule, he just won't rule me or my heart.   i have other things to worry about like life.  sweet life.  my ideal image.  building the life i want.  sometimes things don't fit anymore... anyway, i calmed, I turned off my email and i drove home.  i ate a good dinner my roomie fixed, thanks rachel.  We had a scope of the iced cream, but not to much.  Then, I retired early to practice my visualization of the person and life i wanted to have, guess what things weren't included.   its coming.  just around the bend.  stand and be true and we will get there.  then i slept.  well technically i thought about some other stuff first, then i slept.  at 2 a.m. i was awakened by the left over home made pizza rachel had made on Saturday night.  i was calling t me.  it was on my mind.  it was stuck there and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad.  I tossed and turned, thinking about it, always thinking about it, my every thought bent on eatin it.  i tossed.  i turned.  then pulled out my ipad, and i turned on my visualization routine.  I saw the lift and person I wanted to be.  I remembered thati am not really hungy but most likely dehydrated or stressed (wonder what I have to stress over? fuck you work).  i was up from 2 to 2:35 but I never left my room.  i changed the habit last night.  i have to keep that up.  I woke back up at 3.  this time thinking about the ole Cherry Garcia in the freezer.  thinking about how rachel would never know if I just had a few bits of it.  and this is true, she probably wouldn't know.  but i would.  so, i started the list for my recruiter of must haves in my next job.  It started like this...

1. low office drama or politics
2. set responsibilities, you know what your responsible for and when they are due
3. work life balance - i have to work at a place where it is ok to take vacaton and be sick
4. realistic expectations of the staff we have
5. san jose - period I am done commuting.
6. SAAS
7. Small team ( i don't want to manage a big team)
8. DEAL DESK only - I am not an accountant
9. blondes
10. brunettes
11. red heads

ok... time to work.....

Weekend of 1/31/2014 Video blog

maybe its stupid... maybe it not.  lets do what we have to do to get this done.  lets continue to build and move forward.

Stand and be True!

Super Sunday!

Today is officially a day off for those of us at the buddy system.  Super Sunday is always a special day for most and people should be focusing in snacks, and commercials today.  Oh ya and that game.  In my bitterness over the last few weeks I claimed I wanted the hawks to win.  I dont.  Then again I don't want Peyton to win so much as I don't want him to lose.  Anyway!  Guardian at the Gate will pick up at it's scheduled time next week.  Tomorrow blog is a special new Monday addition.  

So good week this week, next week will be even better!  

Everyone have a happy day!  

Oh ya I walked a mile yesterday.  First mile in a while!  Going to mix walk swim.  Yay.  

Happy days!

2-1-14 - The Day of the Dinger....

Thank goodness January is over... what a month.  It was full of ups and downs and strikes and gutters.  We made it.  We came out of it better than we went in.  Probably not thinner.  No not that.  Probably not in better shape.  However, we did come out of it better.  We are smarter now.  We are wiser.  We see the bigger picture.

Sometimes life isn't always about us.  Sometimes we have to let go of our personal feelings and what we perceive or don't perceive as slights.  We have to stand and be true.  We have to become the person we were born to be.  I am getting that now.  I am getting how important it is to stand an be true.

The truth is I am angry.  I have some rage built up in side and I need to let it go.  I have to find the source of the anger.  I think I have pin point it down to four sins.  My four sins.  Perhaps in time, I will be able to write about them.  What I can say is this....  they really aren't that bad.  The worst, is how and who I can be.  Never think I am gentle giant.  That I am a coward and only passive aggressive.  Because I am not.  I have a tongue like a razor, you know a sweet switch blade knife, love you GNR.  Also I can turn on you.  I used to be known in some circles as the meanest rattlesnake in the valley, because the truth is I can be.  I have an acid tongue.   Anyway, the truth is my sins aren't bad an certainly aren't worth destroying a life over.  No, not a life, my life.  I all these sins happened in a misspent youth but all before my great fall.  I never really forgave myself for these things.  Just like I never forgave myself for getting sick in Europe and never properly dealing with things.  So, little by little, every day since 1997 I have been adding pounds.  I have been walling off.  making sure I am never in a position to repeat these sins.  making sure that no one can ever get to the real me.  The one who hides.  Well...  It's time to forgive myself.  It wasn't all my fault.  Even the things that are really is a sign of immaturity and lack of respect for myself and others.  These aren't things to be punished for, but to learn and get better and stronger from.  The time for punishment and being ashamed has passed.  The time for forgiveness is here.  Bill Burkle is gone.  Billy b is here.  It is time for the boy to become a man.

It times....  The Lord of Chaos no longer rules here.  No, hope rules here.  Faith.  Not faith in any deity.   No faith in me.  Faith in my body and mind.  Faith in Billy b.  Faith in knowing we can make the impossible possible.  That we can not only dream our dreams but live them.  That we don't ever give up on anything, b/c you never know where KA will take you.  So, we put this all behind us.  We take baby steps towards a life of purpose for us.  We take steps becoming the person we were born to be.  We start telling the great story of how to safe a life right now.  I know how this story ends.  I know it because I have seen it in the eye of my mind.  Can you see it?  Can you see the finish line.  The man who lives inside the walls of fat coming out.  Do you see him?  I do, and you will too.  Come with me. Join me on the journey...  Stand with me and be true!

p.s. Happy Birthday Dinger!  My baby brother is 36 today.  He has always been the biggest pain in my ass, but one I could never live without.  Love you Ding!  Have many more!!!!