“Break the machine, clean the machine, you maggots”
Excerpt From: Stephen King. “The Drawing of the Three.”
“the gunslinger said, “so I cleaned the machine, re-loaded”
Excerpt From: Stephen King. “The Drawing of the Three.”
“Congrats! You did great. You know, you need to change your language & thinking... You aren't dying... You are LIVING. You are choosing life! You are getting stronger each time you push yourself!! You ROCK!!!”
- Coach Janna, Sunday 12:11 P.M.
The title of this blog was going to be Matters of the Heart VII: A Traitor’s Heart. It would have started with LubDub, LubDub, which would have been me trying to write the pounding my heart started doing about 20 minutes before I left for the Cardiologist. I was mad and angry that my heart was behaving before I left for the appointment. I was even more frustrated when by BP 150/100. However, I am growing of tired of living in the shadow and being mad at my heart for the troubles it has encountered. I can tell you how disappointed I was sitting there waiting for the doctor, how mad I was that here I am again at the cardiologist for what the 7th or 8th time in my 39th year? I could, and I was going to. I was also going to tell you that I am ok, the heart is a little off but, we can still fix it, but it would have been in a Debby downer way, because that is in the programming. Then, I went and saw an old friend. I hadn’t seen her in a while. One I had not seen since May. She was beautiful as always. She was calm although a little cool at first, but she warmed up after a while. In her I lost all track of time, worries, and the only thing I could think of was my breathing, in and out, in and out. God, I had forgotten how much I loved the pool and how much I loved to swim in it. I also forgot about how medicinal it was for me. How light I feel in it. How I achieve a state of grace that I am certain I will never achieve on the written page or on dry land. Then, after I had finish, I lasted for a whole half hour and 800 yard/meters (yard/meters is the distance of the pool because I don’t know if it is yards or meters and everyone I ask says the opposite of the person before, if I get two in a row, then it will be whatever the two answers in a row are). I went and sat in the sun for a half hour and just watched the water. I love doing that. I love just sitting there without a phone in hand, without a care in the world, and I was happy, truly happy and it felt good.
I decided right then and there that I can dwell on all the shit that isn’t how I want it in my life, or I can change it. As I sat there and decided that my mind raced back to a line from the Drawing of the Three, when ole Long, Tall, and Ugly is trying to trick our hero, no our hero isn’t write, my hero Eddie into coming into his reach. He is telling the story about how his old teacher used to make them break and clean there guns over and over again, especially if they had fired wet bullets. Wet bullets would of course destroy the machine. He told them “Break the Machine, clean the machine, you maggots” and of course when Long, Tall, and Ugly fired wets he “cleaned the machine, re-loaded” and fired again. Only if the bullets were dudes he would “cleaned the machine, re-loaded” and fired again. In there I drew a parallel. Only, in my world, in my life there are no guns. Well other than the ones that fire in my head, or one of my characters I have created uses. No, there are not guns. There is only one machine that matters. That one machine needs to be broken down, cleaned, and rebuilt, and fired, until it is a perfectly working machine.
It is like Coach Janna so eloquently put to me on Sunday after my four-mile walk when I told her how my walk went and that I thought I was dying. “Congrats! You did great. You know, you need to change your language & thinking... You aren't dying... You are LIVING. You are choosing life! You are getting stronger each time you push yourself!! You ROCK!!!” What did I hear when she said that, in my mind; I heard the same thing that I heard on the walk. “Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!” I can’t tell you how many times Janna has told me this, to reboot. To change how I see myself and to see me as others see me. I can’t tell you b/c they are beyond count.
I walked 7 miles this weekend. Three on Saturday, and three on Sunday and over the weekend I took 30,000 plus steps. Do you think I gave myself one bit of credit for that? Do you think I ever sat back and said you know what Billy b; you had a pretty good weekend. No, I never said that. No, because the language is wrong. The machine is dirty. It is fully of bad gunky, dark clouds, and this fear, that what is left, what is fucking left if you don’t have a weight problem. To that all I can say “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!”
Do you really have to ask that of yourself Billy b? The truth is yes, I think I did, I had to ask because the machine is dirty and full of parasites. What do you do when the machine is fully dirty and full of parasites?
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The vicious cycle does need to be broken: The feeling bad about myself; beating myself up for slips ups and mistakes; taking the easy way out.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
I am a good person. I like the person I am.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
I am good at my job, No; I am down right great at my job. I know what I am doing. I know it better than anyone else. I solve problems others don’t want to deal with. I am a relied on member of team.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The General Practitioner wanted to retest my blood in three months. Instead of waiting for something to happened and change in my life, I am taking control of what I put into my body. I am taking control of the stress levels in my life. I am changing the outlook. I am not going to stand around and become diabetic.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The Cardiologist wants to see me again in three months and put me on the treadmill. I say so be it! I will be ready for his little test. On November 9, 2015 I will be 40 years old and almost done training for my 10th half marathon and I will not, fail that test. I will show him that my heart is making a come back. Because there might have been damage done, but the heart is a muscle and muscles can get stronger. My heart is a fighter. Look at all the shit I have done to it and it keeps going. For that matter I am a fighter and I will fix this.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
My mind is a weapon. My mind is my own worst enemy and my best ally. I know that it has to be rebooted.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
On Thursday I go see a doctor about getting my meds regulated for that first time since I was 21. I have a lot of issues with depression, anxiety, and obsessions. However, I will get better with Sue and my new doctor helping me I will get better and some day, I won’t needs these meds at all, because my mind will be sharpened and honed, it will be my ally. It must be broken down. It must be cleaned. It must be rebuilt.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
I told someone today, that I was worried about a friend and there mindset heading into a difficult time. That there were many challenges ahead of them and I was worried that without a positive good out look on things that perhaps the fight was already lost. (I was not talking about myself at the time). Why should those words be only true for that person? Why should I do that as well? Why don’t I actually commit fully to the fight?
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
I lost focus. Not because my mind is weak and my will power is lacking. No, not because of that at all, I lost focus because I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. I shouldn’t write because I am trying to proof something to you the reader. I shouldn’t write to make you understand that I am trying to get better. I write because I have to externalize everything that is inside. I can’t write and show you all the hard work I have done and hope I get rich, or get the girl, or even get compliments on my writing. I can’t. Perhaps, I have been. Perhaps, I started this under false pretenses. Trying to show others that I was committed to turn my life around. Perhaps, I started this because, well maybe just maybe, I didn’t believe, I could change a damn thing. How could I have? How many times have we failed?
How many times have we said this is the first day of the rest of our life and it wasn’t? How many times have we said we were going to lose weight and didn’t? How many times have we said I have too much momentum to lose and we lost it? How many races did we say we were going to do, but never did? How many?
It doesn’t matter. That time is over. The time of fretting over my heart issues are gone. The time of having a pity party over my blood sugar, gone. The time of sitting here saying oh poor me, is gone. There is not place for it.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
There is no time for it. There is only time for moving forward. There is now only time for rebuilding the machine. Today was step one. Go to the doctor, is there anything seriously wrong? You go into AFIB from time to time. It doesn’t keep me from walking, or working, it is an annoyance. Doctor says keep walking, keeping swimming, and follow the plan that RESET has set up for you.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
He got excited when I told him I was training for a half.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
Thursday go have an honest talk with a doctor about your depression, anxiety, and obsessions. It is a part of you, its not as if people don’t see it. Accept it. Move on.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
Meet with Chrissy tomorrow and re-invest in your plan. Not because you have to. But because you know eating that plan for thirty days (no sugar, low carbs, not caffeine) you hadn’t felt that could since early 97, it was Barcelona, and you thought life couldn’t be better.
Because you know the only way to finish the rebel challenge is to take care of yourself.
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The only way to live the life you deserve is take care of yourself!
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The only way to deal with the stress in your life, is to take care of yourself!
“Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The only way to get to the tower, your tower, your goals, you dreams, the life you deserve is to “Break the Machine, clean the machine, and rebuild the machine!”
The Tower is Closer (May 2, 2010)
I can’t exactly remember how King said it or if he was the one that said it at all? I guess looking back I am not even sure I know what it meant to the Great King himself. What I do know is what it means to me.
I will admit my memory is a little fuzzy because it has been a few years since I have opened a Dark Tower novel. I do recall in places it making a reference that the Tower was closer. What I interpreted that to mean was that the goal was at hand. That the Gunslinger and his ka-tet were ever closer to the Dark Tower. I know this is sure genesis coming out of my finger tips right now. It takes a very deep insightful person to figure out what it means on the service. The small band of gunslingers would stop at nothing and let no one or anything get in their way of finding the Dark Tower. They went to the end of worlds to quench their never quite satisfied thirst to drink from the Dark Tower.
My point is that the world is changing. I am moving on with the world. I am not sure when it happened or how, or what even triggered it, but I know it is happening. I can feel it; I can see it in my actions.
I guess I woke up one day and realized life is too fucking short to worry about the shit that doesn’t matter. That in order to lead a happy healthy life, then one must first become happy with one’s self. One must grow up and become the person he or she was meant to be.
In order to do that one must know what one wants to become or at least have an idea of what that is. I think I figured that out. I think I know now what I want. You truly know when that want becomes passion and obsession and that thing is worth everything to you. That want, that idea, that obsession becomes your purpose and you will stop at nothing to get where you want to go. Then that goal becomes your Dark Tower. Therefore, every day you do something to work towards that, the Tower is closer.
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