You know what the first thing that happened to me on Friday morning was? This is the day after one of the shittiest days I can remember in a long time, the day, I found out that I was just about diabetic. My toilet ran overethe. That is right, I started my Friday morning after draining the old weasel with wave after wave of toilet water flowing out of my john. Thank god, I had not dropped the kids off at the pool yet. I had tossed some paper towels in the toilet the night before after I did some cleaning of my CPAP. I am not sure why I just assumed they would flush, but they didn't. I don't know how much water had flown out by the time I got my trusty plunger to removed the towels, but it is was a lot. So, I mopped as much of it up with a towel that I could, then I did what I had gotten up to do, I walked.
It was a good walk too. It was a powerful walk 3.2MPH and a 1.6 miles. I was on my A game and I have a little giddy up in my step. When I wanted to kick it to the next level I was able to do it without any trouble. While I was walking I saw myself walking into and eventually from my shadow (picture) and for some reason that resinated with me. For some reason as a child of KA, I felt like it meant something.
I kept thinking to myself I am coming from the shadows and if anyone in this world can make it through the badlands ahead it is the Kid. After all how many other 400 pound plus Triathletes do you know. I am guessing none.
I wasn't surprised when I actually looked at my text messages and by the time I woke up and finished walking on Friday morning I had two texts the first one was from Rachel and the second one was from my sister BB and what they both wanted to know is if I was ok. Of course they did that is what family does after all is look out for each other. I assured them that yes, I was ok, that I just had to purge the bad gunky.
Are you surprised that I had to purge the bad gunky? At this point it shouldn't be a surprise. That is what I have been trying to do for the last two years, share the cleansing of my soul with the world because this cleanse is one for the ages.
Through out the rest of the day yesterday and this morning I heard from several others who have always been in my corner and to this I saw thank ye big big! I can't mention them all by name, I am not sure if they want me to or not, but the power of you kinds words made a good day great!
I will call out two though, I have too, Mom Alvina and Mary Rose, once upon a time we were one hell of a threesome weren't we. Yes, I think it be true. You two I will always remember that cold morning in San Francisco all those years ago when the three of us set out and did our first half marathon. It was an adventure. I had wanted to do a marathon before I was thirty and I did, and you guys helped me to the finish and I will never ever forget that. I love you both so much.
To you Mom Alvina I say, of course I will keep on keeping on. I am to dumb and obdurate to do anything else. I will do four miles tomorrow and it will never match the 13.1 we did at Avenue our 2nd half and yes we harassed everyone who came by us. Remember when I told that guy I was high on coc and he almost fell over. That was priceless.
To Mary Rose I say I here you very well. I am tired of wasting time. I am tired of being in my 30's and being scared I am dying. I have lots of soul searching to do, but the one thing that is clear to me and I mean crystal is that no matter what way I go, I am going to have to change my life forever. This isn't a diet, that I am going on to lose a pound or to. It isn't some fad I can just do for a bit and then fit into a bathing suit for summer. No, no matter what I do, or decide to to, I have to go all in and put my chips in the pot and play the game to the end. Up until now, I have not wanted to do that. I thought I could get away with being mostly good and then cheating for a bit and keep seeing results. Like I said earlier to Mom Alvina I am obdurate. I am convinced that my way will do it. That the occasional three double double two fries well form In and Out won't hurt me or the waist line. That I can have it both ways. However, really, I can't. I am not sure why when I read your post this a.m. it resonated with me. IT was like a flash of lightening cracking in my mind.
A few reasons, I am was always scared of surgery. 1. It won't fix what is broken. There is something broken inside of me. There is a hole I can't fill, that I try to fill with food and pain. There is something that makes want and need the dark. It is that comfort of being sad. I think it is time to figure out just what in the fuck that is. Because when I go all in, I don't want to trade one issue for another. I have seen people do the GBPS and trade food for drugs or something else and I have watched it consume them. So, maybe just maybe (Sue I am talking to you because I need you now more than ever) it is time to figure it out. i have to do my part, and open up about it and show up to my appointments when I need them most, not when I don't need them. That is all on me. I know. It is the same reason I am on a dating sight, that I hope she will come back, and that when there is nothing I go to the food. It is because I am trying to fill that void. Was it not enough love as a child, was it being the middle boy, was it I just was born with the wrong wiring. What was it. Do I already know and am just scared to say it. Whatever it is now is the time to rip the band aid off and heal. It is time to heal. I think that is why I am here is to learn how to heal and help others learn how to heal. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I know it is true.
The second reason I am afraid of getting the knife is b/c I wanted to avoid a tummy tuck and or any other type of plastic surgery. It is spite that makes me not want to get this. Someone once told me that no matter what I did when I lost weight I would have to get plastic surgery and ever since that day I have kicked and screamed trying not to face that. Why, why does it bug me so much? am I afraid my family will make fun of me? Am I afraid that I will feel bad about myself because I had to do that? It is because I think in the end, i really wish I could just be happy with who I am, because I am loved no matter what? I don't know what it is, but I am realizing surgery or on my own, I am probably going to have some loose skin not matter what, after all I am damn near 40. I ain't as young as I used to be and I have never been very stretchy. And at this point no matter what when I loose weight isn't having a tummy tuck a good thing? I mean really, that would mean I mad some pretty serious goals. Maybe my fear of plasticing up as I refer to cosmetic surgery is making me not move forward in my life.
Third is some of the down sides I fear. Loosing the muscle I have built up over the year when my body starts eating itself. Well we could have that or diabetes. The burning question is can I still be a triathlete and endurance athlete after surgery? I know is sounds dumb, but it is a real question.
I could go on forever, but that the other thing is does it kill my dream? My dream for as long as I can remember is losing weight and showing the world that I am more than a bigger belly. Does this somehow mean I cheated? I don't know. I really don't. And does it matter? HBP and Type 2 have to go. So does it really matter how we get rid of them? However, at the same time what am I if I am not a weight problem? What is left when I don't have to worry every day about my weight and my size and my health. I honestly have no idea. I really don't. Because all I have ever known for as long as I can remember is needing to lose weight. It is how identify myself. Which is so fucked up. Because we all know there is so much more to me than my weight. I am a deep person. I have a great imagination. I am giving and loving. So, interesting that this would cross my mind. If I am not fat what am I. If I am not broken and have something to fix what can I be? How can I be it. How awesome if instead of always worrying about saving my life, I ACTUALLY LIVED IT! I like that.
All this is food for thought and things I will think about very seriously and very thoughtfully this weekend and over the next five months or so as I approach 40. Because I can't have surgery until I loose another 50 lbs or so and no matter what that is my goal right now and we will do it.
No matter what I have to change no matter what I have to pass from behind the shadow in my mind and push forward and be the man I am supposed to be. I was not put on this earth to try and save my own life day after day, no, I don't think I was at all. I have to come back from the shadow and fine my way.
I know my path. I was just on it and I have to realize that there is no short term fix here. I am playing a much longer game. I am getting ready to read through some packets Chrissy gave me to start my new life. I am going to plan what I am going to eat next week. I plan on doing some great things over the next few weeks. I am gong to come up with a list of questions for Chrissy.
OMG I just keep thinking about that. What am I if I am not a problem that has to be fixed. I am a marathoner, a triathlete, I am a writer, I am a sales men, I am a friend, I am an uncle, I am a person with a beautiful smile, a winning heart (that is up for grabs), and loyal like ever dog you have ever met. Now, I am also, bat shit crazy, have a temper, and hole I have tried to stuff with food and praise, but you know what no one is perfect.
I know I am more than my weight issue, as of right now I do. That is powerful!
Wish my good luck on my 4 miles tomorrow and I pass from the Shadow and into my new life!
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