Worse not Better

I am Ka-Mai.  Lol, if you google KA Mai you will get a bunch of pictures of some half naked chick.  Perhaps that is fitting.  Maybe it is, but then again maybe it isn’t.    I spent a lot of time on the way up to the office trying to determine what the best title for this blog should be.

 I toyed with the notion of into “Borderline” However; I strongly feel that any that Blog titled Borderline would have to have some serious quotes from Madonna’s 1984 hit title of course Borderline.  However, this isn’t that type of blog and no one’s love is being pushed over the borderline here.  

Then I thought about titling it “Into the Borderline” however, this was quickly scrapped because I feel like a blog with a title kept making me think about going into the Bad Lands.  A blog of that nature should simply be about someone traveling on horseback into a desolate wasteland.  He is dressed head to toe in black, his face is covered by a black bandana and the only thing you can see is his cold dead eyes peering out from underneath his black sombrero.  Regardless of the man’s black glare all you can really look at is the large black hand-canon strapped to his left hip.  It’s a six shooter an old one, one from a time long forgotten.  However, again we are here to talk about mutant westerns or what exactly is currently happening in the badlands.  

So how do you title a blog to tell the world you are borderline diabetic?  Actually, you blood sugars are all but diabetic.  How do you tell people that you are failing?  I would love to say trying and failing, but sometimes I even question whether or not I am trying.  Question is 30 days on and two weeks off trying?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that just when my heart seemed to be shaping up again, the blood sugar issue decided to come front and center. 

Can I say that I am surprised?  No, I can’t.  I have been waiting for this, well since I learned that there was a Type 2 diabetes and that if you are fat you are at risk of it.  Lots of people just assume I am diabetic because of my size.  I had always been able to pride myself on the fact that I wasn’t and I could refute the charge.  Now though?  What now?  

It’s just another thing in a long series of things that have made July one shitty month and today just another shitty day.  It starts with an email that you wanted to get, but doesn’t say anything, typical.  Then you take your blood pressure and well you are trending up again on the bottom number and that means stroke, and not the good kind of stroking you do late at night, no not that at all.  

You want to go back to bed; you don’t want to leave the house.  You figure what is the point of any of it.  You are going to go to work, you’re going to work your ass off and you’re going to eat all the right foods and then what on the way home you are just going to blow it, and even if you don’t, either you heart is going to act up or your fucking blood sugar will.  What is the point?  

You walk every day and you have for 69 days straight.  It is hard and your legs hurt.  You are supposed to be training for a marathon but you are lucky to get to 3 mph consistently.  You start ask yourself, what is the point?  Why walk?  Why push, why hurt, because is any of it going to matter?  Can I actually change anything?

This will be fodder for those who believe Gastric Bypass is the only way.  They will tell you that it’s your last chance and your last option.  You don’t want to hear that right now but they will say it none the less.  They will point to the palpitations in your chest, the increased blood sugar, and the decreased testosterone and tell you that the knife is the only way to get your life back.  

Oh by the way, did I tell you that was another issue, apparently, I have low T levels, awesome!  If I didn’t have enough going for me already, no wonder I am such an emotional wreck most the time.  At least my doctor prescribed a specialist for that!  Awesome maybe he can give me a bottle of Viagra and at least while either a stroke or the diabetes takes me I can have one massive hard on.  What a way to go out I say.  

Then why not, l am putting it all out there why not shoot the moon.  I join one of those dating sites.  Why not right, I am a single guy I was feeling pretty good about myself and getting my life back after the challenge.  So, I join one.  I get contacted by this really hot chick and I was skeptical, b/c as many times as people say it isn’t how you look and people will love you for who you are, it doesn’t work that way.  They see a big dude on there and 99% of the women go running.  So, I should have been more skeptical when this chick reached out to me and we moved through all the phases fast and she wanted my email address to chat.  I was like why not what do I have to loose.  So I am chatting with her online via yahoo messenger and she starts telling me about this friend of hers who need surgery and she just can’t afford it and could I possible help her out with that, blah blah blah.  I couldn’t even get solicited by a prostitute on their nope, but rather a scam artist.  That is fucking awesome.  It makes me feel good to be me.  

I feel the black creeping in.  It’s on the edge of my mind.  I feel it coming for me.   I can’t lie this shit really depresses me, all of it.  I was hoping for a much different reading of my blood after living most of my life for the last 9 months Paleo.  I was hoping that even though I was fat I was still a healthy viral man, which apparently I am not.  The dating site thing, well isn’t that just another in a long list of things that makes me realize that I am Ka-mai, not that hot prostitute that shows up when you google those words but rather Destiny’s fool.  I mean I wonder sometimes if people just laugh at my ridiculousness.  Do they just take me as the joke I am turning out to be?

So that is my day today.  That is how I feel and I wonder can it get any worse?  Can it?

I don’t want to give up on my dream because after all, my dream is all I have.  However, maybe it is a joke that I ever thought one day I would actually get my shit together and start eating right, that I would have that AHA moment.  The one where you realized life is great and it is all worth living and you wake up and don’t want to crave French fries and pizza anymore.  Yet the AHA moment never comes and it never will.  Life doesn’t work that way.  It isn’t a movie, or a book, or a blog, or like on TV.  

I want to scream.  I want to rant, I want to rave.  Then I just sit here and think how pathetic all of this must sound because after all am I not the one who did all this?  Did I not live hard?  Yes, I lived hard.  I am have been 350 pounds plus for the better part of the last ten years.  Instead of living like rock star and having booze benders and two blondes at once for a three way.  I ate and have more than one three way with a pint of Ben and Jerrys and a bag of BBQ Lays.  I couldn’t even get the living on the wild side right.  

And that is my day today.  

How bad do I want to focus on what the doctor said, three months, let’s retest in three months, keep doing Paleo and exercising, you doing the right things he says.  He basically said keep on doing it.  However, I can’t seem to grasp that right now because I am in self-destruct mode, I am in let’s leave the office and hit McDonald’s drive thru on the way home mode.  I am in who gives a shit mode.  I am in the, I have fallen too far to get back up mode.  

However, there is a long car ride home.  A Stephen King novel on my phone to listen too, there is a nutrionist who believes in me, and there is the kid who lives in side of me who never wants to give up.  Fuck them all, we will show them, is what that kids is screaming from inside.  He says not like this, not likes this because inside you know you are a fighter.  You know that no matter how far you have fallen you will never give up.  

I know somewhere in the back of my head that, that kid is right.  I just can’t see it through the black.  However, the more you think about the kid in the green shirt and the boy by the statute.  The more the pain seems to fade into the far reaches of your mind.  You know King will help, he always helps.  You know the walk in the a.m. and pushing 69 to 70 tomorrow morning will help.  You know like every day when you wake up that, that is the first day in the rest of your life.  That keeps you going.  That will keep you out of the drive through tonight.  That will help you make paleo decisions tonight.  

Darkness can’t last forever.  It never does and there is always tomorrow and these things shall pass and if Dr.  Oba believes we can right the ship, then why shouldn’t I?  After all if you can believe and conceive, then can you not achieve?  Perhaps this is my Aha Moment.  Perhaps this could be my dare to be great moment?  I mean isn’t this one blog embarrassing enough to motivate, or maybe, I am tired of trying to have reasons to get off my ass and go.  Maybe the answer isn’t in an email or an embrace or in love or in anything else. Maybe the answer is simply; keep on keeping on and what will be will be.  Even though you’re on the border line that doesn’t mean you have crossed it.  Maybe a smile could do more for your mood than you think.  Maybe this is all part of the heroes trial that is your life and your story.  Maybe, and tomorrow is another day.