I never thought I would look down my chest and see wires popping out of me. I am probably the biggest star wars nerd you know and still it never once had occurred to me tot C3PO up and that is probably why I am feeling as low as I am right now. I am all wired up (See above) and I have wires popping out of my shirt (See below):
I am strapped up to a Holter Monitor because last Friday I started to have heart palpitations while I was sitting around working and writing. They just start who know why, but they continued most of Friday night and all of Saturday. Saturday was probably the worst, I think, although that could have been Monday night, because that was pretty bad too.
Saturday was like the mamba going on in my chest. I would be sitting there normal on the couch watching some parks and rec and the next thing I knew it was party! I was sitting on the couch, I checked my fitbit for heart rate and I shit you not, it was up to 145. I took my BP after that and my BP was actually under control. I thought lying down on Saturday would help, but honestly it only made it worse. It has been a long long time since I had a true AFIB issue, and I was hoping that this latest round was the stress. So, I tried to ignore it. However, on my 45 minute walk Saturday, I felt like I was trapped in molasses. I had not giddy up in my step at all and it felt like I was standing still. The worst part is my breath was laboring and I could feel myself working way to hard for very little reward. I contented myself with the fact that I had finished and isn't that all I could hope for is finishing the walk?
Sunday, things were better. Maybe it was because I kept myself busy all day shopping and cooking. I had very little issue Sunday until I laid down for bed and I will be damned if the drums didn't kick in soon as I laid down. I knew I should have called the doctor then, but I am stubborn and I thought it would pass and Monday would be a new day!
Monday was a new day, but the I had symptoms all day. It was stressful at work and things went worse before they got better and al day long I felt like I had my very own built in Conga drums keeping my company. However, knowing it was stress, and how much pressure I have put myself under, I just ignored it. Oh ya, and it didn't help that this dumbass (me), didn't take my blood pressure meds on Monday morning, and did I mention like a real dumbass I did the same thing on Saturday. Ya, i am that guy. So I came home from work took some pills on Monday and sat in my office till it got dark working on a story and trying to impress a girl. Neither really worked the way i wanted it to. By the time bed rolled around Monday I was exhausted. I mean my body just had nothing left in it. I laid down at 9 and the drums started again and they didn't stop till almost 1 a.m.
what makes the issues of Monday even worse are the following. I am still trying to tell myself this didn't happen. I was laying in bed listening to the drums of my chest go on and on and it was dark, and I was watching the Hannibal trailer for the end of season 3, I don't know anything about the show, but they said they were introducing the red dragon and I know a little about the hannibal world and I know he is a key character and people were raving about it. So I watched it. And..... I didn't get it. But have to admit I was intrigued a little bit. Plus the guy playing the red dragon who was robin hoods brother on the bbc show, the lead dwarf in the hobbit, and the guy who blows up captain america's lab after captain america is made and I root for him as an actor. So, after watching I decided I have to make pp and I get up and, and holy fuck, I can't see out of my left eye. The site was gone, 100% darkness until, I walked into the light of the bathroom and every thing seemed to be right as rain again. As if nothing was ever wrong. I walked back into the dark and again couldn't see. Walked into the light and i could. then walked back to bed not seeing turned on my phone and I could see again. Something very strange was going on. I marvel at how calm I was. In that moment. When I should have been loosing my shit and calling 911. I just rolled with it. I fell asleep and lived to die another day.
Tuesday was a better day, but I had been stupid long enough and called the doctor and told them I was having symptoms and that I needed to come in. A few hours later they told me to come in for the Holter Monitor. I said ok, not knowing exactly what I was signing up for and just wishing they would have me in for BP work and an eKG, tell me I am fine and just let me go about my business. But no, i have to this holster thing? Halter? Hotter, ya that is the one. The lady asked me if I was having any pain and I wish she wouldn't have asked that because as soon as she asked, and when I went walking that night, I had chest pain. not before the walk and not after the walk, but on it. I am chalking that one up to anxiety and stress but I guess only the holder will tell the truth.
So came hump day, I slept in a little bit, tried to talk a friend into skipping work, they didn't, and i went for a walk, and it was a good walk, 3 mph walk and I felt pretty good on it. It was the first time I wasn't completely exhausted during a walk. I started having visions of the person I wanted to be dancing in my head. I also ran my walking streak up to 59 days. Then I showered and went to the doctor.
The office was empty so that old feeling of shame that normally washes over me when it is me and the old folks didn't come on this time around. That came later. I didn't wait long until Gretchen the nurse got me. Took in the back and told me to take my shirt off. This was followed by her shaving my chest. Yes, she shaved part of my chest to put some electrodes on that. Ian trying to understand why she didn't just ask me to shave it before I came in I will never know, bc I would have. I would have shaved the burly belly and boobs down, yes, I would have. Instead the bitch dry shaved me, right there in the doctors office. She did three little patches and the hair fell all over my short and it looked like I was rocking out with my pubes out... it was a little disturbing actually.
Then she hooked me up to the Holter Monitor. I asked her to check my blood pressure. using the tiniest cuff I ever had scene. The thing started to pop off as she pumped it up. She then told my BP was 150/110 and was like so you need anything else. I was like ya, I need understand why my fucking blood pressure is so high. I told her I thought the cuff was to small b/c my BP hadn't been that high the last two day. I was also like at that level should't you be sending me to the hospital if not the morgue? She said she'd go ask the doctor, she did. She said it was the cuff and the big cuff was broken, so they couldn't take my BP. I think I really want to find a cardiologist I like and one that isn't a shit show like that. I was pretty angry but also feeling really low when I left the doctors office. I walked out with wires hanging out from under my shirt. I was sad.
I kept thinking on June 20th I felt like a champ. Was feeling better than I had in years and while yes I have regressed and eaten worse than I wanted to over the last three weeks have I really gone to hell. Could I really have killed myself in 3 weeks. I didn't know.
What I did know is I wanted to EAT. I did. I won't lie. I want to go binge. I wanted to house about three cheese burgers, b/c in my mind the battle had been lost. I had decided I fucked my heart up and there is no coming back from this. all of this, this blog, all this fighting is for not b/c i can't do it. I can't change it, I can't. I have spent most of the last two days fighting back tears, neglecting my job, and asking myself how did I fall so far. Why can't I pick myself back up. I wanted to go to mcdonalds and get the double QPC meal b/c it didn't matter, I would have that with a side of big mac and double cheese burger. I would go to in and out and get 3 double double and two fries well. I would go to give guys and get to doubles, I would go to taco bell and eat that fucking stuffed nacho burrito.
I didn't though. I went to Subway, i know still not the best choice, but the best of many bad shit choices and had the italian. I wish I wouldn't have had it, b/c of the bread. Should have just tossed the bread. Anyway, better choice than the alternative I guess.
I also realize I am not giving up. I am just in a rut. I am getting my blood work done tomorrow at 9:30. I don't believe there isn't time to still get better. I can't believe that. I will deal with whatever is wrong this time around and get better. That is what I keep doing. I hope this holter test comes back saying I am nuttier than a fruit cake or something. only 21 hours and 11 minutes left to testing.... I am assuming if the doctor wants to see me after that then he will let me know otherwise I will see him on the 10th of August.
Btw I have learned what a hotter test is. It is basically a EKG you were for 24 hours, so it can detect the reasons why you have palpitations or other heats issues. hopefully, it will tell me I am crazy b/c I am trying. I am better than I was in November and December and I want to keep fighting!
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