Where did the anger go.....

I think it was the first short story I ever finished.  Ok, well let me think some more, I am not counting that letter to Penthouse, or anything I wrote in high school, so yes, I think it is fair to say it was my first.  Since then I have completed at least novelettes, non-which I choose to share on this media, they are currently being edited and the goal is to try to get them published.  However, “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts” was the first short story.  Since it is something I am very proud with over 462 views on the blog and because it is such a telling tale of what exactly goes on in my head, I felt that it was best to share with my Life Coach.  So the attached link was sent:

http://thebuddysystem22.blogspot.com/2014/05/he-thrusts-his-fists-against-posts-and.html

Sending the message broker a response “In the last three years what have you done with all that anger? It has to go somewhere.

At first I was a little dumb founded by the question.  Just where in the hell had all that anger gone?  I want to be able to sit here and say I wrote it all out.  I did a fair amount of journaling and blogging after “Fists” but probably not enough to let out all of the hate, anger, and rage that have been building up inside for so fucking long.

Then I saw the picture I lead with today and I knew where it had all gone.  The anger hadn’t been exercised away or written away it had all been internalized.  I tried to bury it deep down inside.  I tried to act like I didn’t care that I was unloved and felt unlovable or that I was rejected and pushed away.  I tried to act like nothing mattered.  That I didn’t care I’d been passed over.  That I didn’t care that I just kept fucking up my health again and was killing myself one nibble at a time.  I pushed this all way down deep into the darkest black depths of my mind that not even I like to talk about or think about.

There in that darkest of black places my anger burned like wild fire.  It raged on and on and little by little it was let out into the world.  It might have manifested in bad day where the black dread would surround me like a swaddling blanket and caress any feeling away.  I think mostly it surfaced as insecurity in my position, my decisions, and it kept me frozen in time.  The one place I do know it surly found its way out was thru my eating. 

Since I stopped blogging the fires of anger raged and I went on to put back all the weight I had once lost and like any good dieter once I put that back on, I went ahead and gained more.  Fifty pounds more was the final tally.  I took out all my anger on my vessel.  How does that make sense?  I let anger out by stuffing more in? I turned myself into a cripple with limited movement and little to no fun.  I hide behind the fact that my father was sick and traded the sadness and feelings I should have felt for late night binges on burgers, fries, pints of ice cream, and whatever else I could shovel into my mouth.  One value meal became 3 meals. No, no, I didn’t split one value meal into three meals; I got three value meals for one meal.  Eating a large pizza was nothing, I realized this when I downed an entire Matt Cain from Patxi’s by myself on a Friday night.  One pint of ice cream to sooth those sad fees became two pints, and of course we need to through in a bag of chips for good measure. 

The angry I got and the more I repressed it the more punishment I did to myself.  The more harm I did to myself.  I stopped swimming.  I stopped walking.  I did nothing but go to work, site all day, have people get water for me, pick up my meals, and then go home and sit on the couch.  In the last 6 months I have discovered door dash and that has become the hide at home binger’s best friend.  My god, you can order Cream, Baskin Robins, and Cold Stone on there, I know because I did.

Then there was the July 17, 2017 episode.  I had not had a good binge in over a month.  I thought I was finding my way.  I watched Game of Thrones.  I had a nice dinner, Steak, baked tater, salad with beets that were awesome, and corn on the cob, the tater and corn was made on my smoker.  It was a feast fitting for the season opener of GOT.  I was full.  I was content.  My buddy David left and I sat there with Kona Koffee and I turned on American Dad. 

That is when I got the itch.  I wanted something sweet.  I needed something sweet.  I battled with myself on if I should go grab something, but I didn’t want to leave the house so late.  So I went to my buddy Door Dash, but David had left late enough that the Ice Cream places were closed.  I wanted something though.  I needed something.  So I kept looking and looking, and looking.

I opened up Pizza Guys website and there it was.  They would deliver a pint of ice cream.  They would deliver Dibs (chocolate covered ice cream bites).  Also, they had churros, yes fucking churros with icing to be dipped in.  Fuck, it was a binge eater’s wet dream. 

However, I didn’t want to be that guy who only ordered a dessert from the pizza place.  No they might think something is wrong with me.  I am sure they couldn’t figure that out from the three dessert orders regardless.  So I thought I could trick them and make them think they were just delivering a meal if I got a pizza.  So I got a small pizza.  I wasn’t going to eat it; I would fridge it for later.  I was telling myself also that I wouldn’t eat all the desserts they were brining over. 

They dropped it off.  I could swear that the pizza man was giggling at me.  I wonder if they ever had such an order before.  Three desserts and one small pizza, I seriously doubt it.  I sat down on the couch and I turned on my American Dad and within in 1 episode it was all gone: The pizza, the dibs, the ice cream and the churros.  It was a fucking blood bath.  I didn’t eat that food last night I inhaled it. 

I was very ashamed of myself when I went to bed last night.  In a blink of the eye, I had ruined a pretty good weekend of work.  I was angry. Then I woke up this a.m. I was in pain.  My tummy hurt like it hadn’t hurt in a long time.  I think maybe for the first time this year that I can remember I hurt from a night of hard eating.  What exactly did the eating accomplish besides making me sick to my tummy?    

I wanted to bury this down inside with everything else.  Then I read the message this a.m. from Coach and I knew that the time for burying things was long over.  The time for truth is here and now.  The time for dealing with my anger and aggression is in the present.  It is time to turn that anger into energy.  Energy to be used at the pool, to be used in the gym, and to be used walking.  So even though my stomach hurt and hurt bad this a.m. and even though I thought I was going to shit myself at any moment. I went outside and I walked.  It was only a 12 minute walks and little over a quarter mile.  However, it was a walk.  I also packed my bag to head to the pool tonight.  I need to start using this stored anger.  Fat is after all stored energy and I have a fucking reserve.  So, I need to us it.  I won’t swim a mile or any great length but I will move. 

I will learn from my mistake last night as well.  After GOT the TV goes off, the book opens, I do my ½ hour of reading and I go to bed or even better play with Kona Monkey first.  She would love that.  Although by 9 o’clock at night she is usually worn out, if I am doing my job right.  So reading and journaling should be all that happens after GOT.

As for Door Dash I gave my password and user name to a friend and told them to change the password and not give it to me.  Seems like an extreme measure but I am an extreme dude.  Plus I don’t want to be eating that crap anyways.  I’ve been down that road before; it is full of anger and frustration. I don’t need to go there again. 

What I need to do is face my anger head on.  I need to stop being a little passive aggressive bitch about it.  I need to focus on getting off the sugar and only eating real foods like I was doing.  I need to stop worrying about if she is every coming back or not, or if I am going to have a heart attack tomorrow, or if about work, or whatever the bullshit is.  I have to let go of the past and embrace the here and now.  Embrace the future and accept it.  All I have to do is to decide what to do with the time I have been given. 

I deserve a great life. I deserve to put me and my health first. I deserve not to be angry.  I deserve to use my reserved energy for the only thing that matters right now and that is getting my ship righted and get a full set of wind in my sails and heading to my promised land. 

The Girl Out the Window

The Girl out the Window…

He was calm and collected.  He was in his element, talking about his trade, his work, his dorky passion.  He looked at clean cut finger nails and could not remember the last time he had bitten them.  He used to eat his nails.  There was the one time he had completely bitten the thumb nail off.  That though was another time and in another life.  

Person after person came into the little conference room.  Person after person sat down and gave their spiel.  They wanted to find a break in his armor.  They asked questions from all angels.  They gave him warnings.  They tested him and his knowledge again and again. 

He sat there in his sports coat and khakis with a sly type smile on his bearded face.  He folded his hands with his unbitten nails in front of.  He took their badgering with his sly smile, and gave off a heir of confidence not smugness.  No, this was his element.  Of all the things he did well talking about him was one of the best.  

He had a gift for weaving stories that were untrue.  His creativity was both his gift and his curse.  It was a gift because he had longed to use it and make his living from it.  However, he was terrified to because what is no one liked it?  However things were different when he was talking about himself and he had lived through the events.  In those situations he became the maestro.  He would weave the words like a conductor would weave notes of an orchestra to form a beautiful melody.  

Writing or talking it made little difference to him.  Once he got started he could go on and on without stopping or without pause.  He would weave together a tail that you wanted to listen too.  You wanted where happy when he started and you didn’t want him to end, it left you always wanting a little bit more. Here in this room.  It was no different, jus0t a different canvas for him to work on. 

 

He was doing well.  He knew he was doing well.  When it came to his craft he knew his business well.  He would say few new it better.  He had made is a study in excellence.  At once point his minded wanted more knowledge than anyone else could have and he went out and acquired it.  That like the nail biting had been another life.  Now he considered himself in the rare class of expert.  Was it Caesar who said I came I saw I conquered?  Well wasn’t it actually “Veni, vidi, vici”?  He couldn’t tell but he had done just that.  

His mind would race in these mini palavers.  Although this was his element, that didn’t mean he wanted to be right here right now.  Being present even in your own life was always hard for him.  He was a dreamer.  His mind wandered even when he needed it to be most focused.  That is what happens when you are the creator of worlds and speaker of tales.  However, he knew the stories well enough and what he had done well enough that he didn’t always have to be entirely present.  Not unless something tripped him up and today was going to well for that.

Calm, he was by definition just that.  His heart which sometimes beat to its own rhythm no matter what was going on was in alignment.  It was calm.  He the one his coach had once told he sweated the second most of anyone she knew, had not sweat today, because it was unwarranted and unneeded, because he was in control.  It was after all his game now.  It was the element of tale spinning and he was a master. 

His full attention came back as this part of the interrogation appeared to be over.  Having been taught manners from a very early age and not matter what the situation was he stood up and offered his hand as the person excited the room.  They made offers to make him more comfortable but he assured them he was right as rain, because after all he was.  

He chose not to sit immediately down after he saw them out.  He instead wanted to stretch his legs and he paced up and down the line of windows he had chosen to sit in front of.  Truthfully he was looking at everything that was out there and nothing.  It was a chilly spring day in California and he saw clouds rolling in, he doubted there would be rain, rain was a rarity in California these days. 

He studied the building across the street.  It was just a building.  However it held his attention but just for a moment.  The next person was coming in and he turned from the window and extended his hand and sat down.  

One meeting was much like the other.  The conversation rolled on and the tales were spun.  Each question was answered with the same zeal and passion.  The smile that said I am so interested and not too cocky hung on his face, but when his mind did it’s ever present doubling this time it was not a new world, or race but the building that loomed now behind him.  

The building was thought like so many others that just got stuck in his mind.  He couldn’t get rid of it if he wanted too. It mattered little his game was still at “A” level.  He answered the questions with well weaved tails.  He probably talked too much, but he cared little because what he would spew was pure gold and he knew it.   This after was his arena.    

Again his mind gathered as the conversation came to an end.  He stood and he shook hands and said pleasantries and did the dance of a well behaved man.  He sad back in his chair with a bigger grin than the one he normally wore.  He felt good.  He wasn’t the same man he had once been.  He laughed a little to himself and said to the empty room that he was defiantly on his game and one more of these and he would be completely in the driver’s seat.  

He sat back in his chair and did a half spin and glanced to his left out the window.  He ran his hands through his long hair while his eyes scanned their cool graceful scan.  As always they were seeing everything and nothing once again.  Then they stopped gliding to the right and shot back to the left.  He almost started to panic because he could no longer feel his heart beating.  Had he looked down he would have realized it was gone because he had lost it.  

He wanted to stand up and walk to the window and stare like a goof.  He couldn’t stand because his knees were too weak.  His usually powerful sturdy legs felt like Jell-O and he could not move them even though he commanded them too to even move forward in his chair.

He was not sure if the grin on his face could get any bigger but somehow he felt it grow on his face.  He wanted to lean forward but his body was no longer his own.   He just stared out the window and across the street.  He wondered if what he was looking at was real or if some mad vision brought on from one of his other worlds.  He knew at once it was not.  He knew he was not looking at angel or a demon.  No he was just looking at a girl out the window.

Just a girl wasn’t a fair way for his mind to put it though was it?  She was not just a girl.  No she was a beautiful woman his eyes couldn’t take in enough of.  A car passed and he hated it for blocking his view of her.  However it passed and there she stood and he felt his heart again but now it was racing.  It was the conga and he the rhythm was fast and damn near out of control.  He felt a stir in his groan.  A sense of lust and longing washing over him and his mind went from calm and clear to absolute mush. 

She stood there with her dark hair blowing in the wind.  It didn’t seem to bother her it was in her face.  Her face wore a frown, but not because she was sad but because her face just naturally went into what appeared to be a frown. He didn’t get the sense from her that she was melancholy just out walking with a place to go.  The wind stopped moving and he could see her brown eyes and they were kind and inviting. 

She waited there on the other side of the street.  She wore a pink shirt and wrapped in a gray sweater.  Her arms were crossed under her ample breasts.  What she was waiting on he couldn’t say.  Then another car passed and she started to move forward.  He saw that her shoes were brown and looked soft and comfortable.  She crossed the street and poof just like that walked out of his life much like she had just walked into it inadvertently and without ever knowing.

He almost jumped out of his chair when someone spoke to him from behind.  It was the last caller of the day.  But instead of standing at attention and walking towards them to great them, he looked back to the window longing to see her just one more time. When he realized there was no such luck.  He turned and shuffled towards the man and his outstretched hand.

He sat and for the first time his mind didn’t split.  It didn’t split because it couldn’t because his entire focus was on the girl he had seen out the window.  He had to pull hard in his mind to try and regain some focus.   He mustard all he could.  He tried to weave tales and orchestrate but his mind just kept going back to the vision in gray and pink out the window. 

The next half hour moved like molasses.  He tripped and fumbled over his own words.  He told and retold the same stories.  He couldn’t find that calm, semi-arrogant person he had just been.  He couldn’t do it because he was infatuated with that beautiful girl, that passed by and he glimpsed out the window. 

His last meeting ended and he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  He left the building and moved as quickly as he could to the street she had crossed. He wanted to see if he could see her again.  He rounded the corner and there she was.  She was crossing the street with two others.  He wanted to call out to her.  He wanted to scream hello.  He opened his mouth and nothing came out.  For once in his life he was completely and utterly without words.

He watched her walk away.  He turned and put his left hand into his pocket.  His right went to his mouth and he started to use his teeth to pick at them while he looked at his feet as he walked away.  His mind still stuck on the image of beauty in the window.  Wondering why nothing would come out, why the man who could weave such wonderful tales couldn’t find the right words to say to make her stop or even come back.   He glanced over his shoulder a couple of times.  Hopefully he would catch another glimpse.  That he would just get to see her one more time.  It was as if she had vanished though and walked out of his life forever.    

The Power of I Can…

The Power of I Can…

My entire life I seem to continually depriving myself of something.  It could be fast food, it could be meat (vegan for two weeks in June’17), sugars, potatoes, pizza, pasta you know name it I have sworn it off in some way or another.  My life has been in some form or fashion all or nothing for as long as I can remember.  I am either on or I am off.  I am either up or I am down. 

I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching.  There is no doubt that I am overweight, with some heart issues, and borderline diabetic.   I have family members pushing for gastric bypass.  I have openly started to consider this course of action.  Even going as far as telling my cardiologist I would do it if he told I should.  He said it didn’t matter how I did it, I just needed to lose weight and give my heart a break.  I have considered going into rehab facilities.  I have considered giving up sugar.  I have considered sowing my mouth shut.

As I was considering options I decided to go back to an article I had read in January of 2016 that literally changed my life.  It was a Friday morning and I was up early and I was doing what we do now in this day and age when we have free time I was scrolling through Facebook looking for something to entertain myself with or more aptly to distract myself from thinking about driving to the office.  I came across an article titled “Things I Did To Lose 160 Pounds Without Ever Dieting” by Joe Bernstein.  Being a man who needs to lose at least 160 pounds I was intrigued by it.  So I read it.  Most of the things in the article I was like I can do that.  There was one though, I said I would never do and that was “I shortened my commute”.  I just wasn’t going to happen.  I wanted to live in San Jose and I wasn’t going to change jobs.  I liked my job and I wanted to stay where I was.  It just wasn’t an option for me.  I drove the hour and fifteen minutes it took me to get to work that morning and thought little of it.  It was not until that night it became a huge issue for me.  An hour and forty five minutes it took me to get home.  I don’t know why, or how, I know I missed an appointment.  I know I hated every minute of it.  I remember now waking up that next Saturday and telling myself that I was done commuting and less than a year later I was living in Livermore.  As few short months later I also did #6 on the list which was “Get a Dog”, which is one of the better things I have ever done with my life.   

I don’t know why I went back and looked at the article but I did and when I did I found a link to the gentlemen who wrote its website.  So, I made a decision right then and there.  I was going to reach out to him and pick his brain for how did.  What he faced.  How he climbed the proverbial mountain that is weight loss.  In all my journeys in weight loss or lack thereof it, I have never actually talked to someone who has been down the path before and been successful at it.  I have emailed people here or there and gotten responses but never anyone who wanted to take me under their wing and really look at what makes me tic and what would be good for me to do or change to make myself a healthier more powerful me.  When I sit here and think about that, it is the one thing I think my Dad always said.  Find someone who has walked the path.    He said that to me probably 50 times.  Find out what they did then do it.  Funny how sometimes things are right in front of our face and we don’t realize it. 

This weekend I missed Dad.  I mean really missed him.  I do what I do every 4^th of July weekend.  I watched American Pie.  Well I end up watching the original trilogy.  I just can’t get into American Reunion.  I just can’t.  I just hate the fact that every movie they hate Stiffler again, which after American Wedding makes no sense what so ever.  Anyway, probably the hero’s trial he has to go on to become accepted I guess.  They have a formula and it seems to work for them.  Anyway, as I watched I become sad because they were the last movies I remember watching with my Dad.  It was 2008 a few weeks before I started my current job.  Mom and Dad were out for a visit the weather wasn’t good so we sat down to watch a funny movie.  I put in American Pie, thinking my Dad would hate it, but Mom Carol might find it amusing.  Wow, my Dad loved it.  He laughed so hard, like I have never seen him laugh at a movie.  He demanded to watch the 2^nd movie and he loved that too.  By the time American Wedding finished he was talking about Old Stiffler like he was an old high school buddy and the shenanigans he got up too.   It made me sad because I miss Dad.  It makes me smile because of what a good time we had.  I realize now I have gone off tangent, but that is ok.  It happens.

I am never nervous when I tell someone my tale.  It is more or less the story of me.  Emailing Joe was not any different.  I was open and honest.  I shared my blogs.  I shared my highs and lows.  My journey such as it was to this place, in this point and time.  Joe reached out to me fairly quickly and the next thing I knew we were holding long palaver.  We agreed to start working together and I am very excited to not be walking this path alone anymore.  It is nice to have someone to support me and help me.  While at the same time call me out on my bullshit and to help me realize that there is no best way to do this, and that I have to find and forge my way. 

He introduced me to a book that has sort of blown my mind a little bit.  It talks about the very important qualities on one’s diet that we don’t normally thinking about.    Such as relaxation, love, stress reduction, is the ones that jump out to me.  Things that when you read them you just know in your heart of hearts that it are intuitively true. 

The book also re-introduced a concept to me of eating what you want but focus on how you eat it.  Focus on the time it takes you to eat.  Study the food.  See if the food is worthy of your palate.  As you slow down you might realize just how awful some of the crap you stuff in your mouth is, because you are focused on it.  Eating slowly is nothing new to me.  I know it is supposed to help.    Although thinking about thinking about if you are in a stressed state versus an unstressed one, well that is something new to me altogether.  It was something I never really focused on.  A very interesting thing I learned is that if I eat food I like.  Say for example a Boca burger with baked fries and a salad, I am not stressed.  I am not worried if it will be enough food.  I am not worried if I will enjoy the taste.  I just sit at my table with my puppy at my feet and focus on what I am eating.  Sure my mind occasionally drifts into a problem at work, or how I need to kill my first person (meaning a character in a story).  However unlike when I am zombied out in front of the TV, I catch myself at drift and I pull it back together and reset my focus.  Let’s take this meal versus a vegan meal I ate the night before that was premade for me.  It was fully of sprouts and zucchinis.   I hate zucchini, I am not saying I will always hate them, but right now they are enemy of the state.  I can eat broccoli.  I can eat cauliflower, sprouts, and bell peppers, but zucchini doesn’t butter my bread.  So, I was up tight and anxious as I microwaved it.  I worried about the taste. I worked about the texture.  I am very into the texture of what I eat, but let’s put a pin in that and visit it at a later date.  I couldn’t enjoy the vegan meal.  I was unhappy the entire time I ate.  It was like forcing food down my throat and my gag reflex wanted to rule the day.

The above experience really talked to me about how important it is to enjoy your food.  I remember coming to work the other day and my brother Sunny d told me I am in a place that I shouldn’t enjoy my food that I just need to get my shit together and eat unenjoyable stuff.  I can vividly remember how angry it made me.  That I was just supposed to torture myself to reach my goals, when in my mind, I firmly believed there has to be a better way. 

Let’s be 100% clear here.  I no longer harbor the delusion that I can eat cheeseburgers every night with baked fries and get to the waste line I want.  I cannot have weekly binges because I feel lonely, unloved, or unwanted.  Sure the email exchanged didn’t achieve what you wanted.  The text message was not fruitful other than to remind you that you are spending the evening alone.  So on and so forth.  I do fully believe 115% that I have to change my ways.  I can’t eat sugar, premade foods, or and most pasta’s and breads.  I have to restrict my serving sizes.  I have to abstain from In and Out, Panda, and Subway.  I need a complete eating make over.   

That being said just because you get made over doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your repast.  I know better don’t I.  Haven’t I walked this path before?  To some extent yes I have.  About a year into this blog, I found a balance between eating good foods, my mind, and weight loss.  I know finding that harmony again is what will lead to my success.  Basically, what I am saying is I think I can lose weight without ever really dieting at all.  It’s more than a lifestyle change too.  It is accepting certain things and believing them.    At this point in time I don’t know what all those things are.  Also, I know for every person who believes in eating real food there are people that will tell you weight loss is all based on energy put in and energy burned.  That weight loss is about sacrifice, hitting the gym for two hours a day, or having surgery.  What truly matters is what I believe.  

I am not a fool.  I know I can’t walk down the same path again and hope it will work out differently.  Tried that in my personal life went nowhere fast, in fact I think that is how the define insanity.  There was a reason that in 2014 I was derailed.  Some say it was dealing with grief over my Dad’s illness.  Some might say it was not letting go of things that you know are bad for you but you try to make them work anyway.  Some might say you just didn’t want it bad enough.  Others will blame my job. My state of mind, depression, needing attention, etc.…, etc.… I am sure that there is some truth in all of those things.  I honestly believe I wasn’t ready.  I thought I was ready to take that giant leap forward but in the end, the time was all off.  Maybe I didn’t believe it was sustainable.  Maybe I don’t believe I don’t deserve to find my way and be happy.  I think it is all of the above to some extent.  Like a lot of things you learn in life there are no easy answers.

So what is my plan?  And what the hell do I mean by the Power of I Can.  My plan is to stand up, remember the face of my father, and walk the path.  Remember the one thing that was by my side both times I have had significant weight loss is my writing.  It is a power source all on its own.  When I let if out the demons that dance in my head I tend to stay on the path longer and stray from it less and less.  I will keep one thing in my head that Brother Bob said to me in the summer of 2014, forget about what others have done, it is time to write your own weight loss story.  That is so powerful for me.  I look at these other people and what they do.  I try to immolate that.   So I can share two pictures on Facebook the before and after shot.  However, it is time I stop being a follower and be my own leader.  Be my own man.  

That starts with something that has been growing in the back of my mind since this weekend and that is the Power of I Can.   What is this magical mystical power?  It is simple.  I can put whatever I want into my mouth.  There are no longer good “foods” and bad “foods”, there are only “foods”.  First, when I talk about food, I talk about whole real food.  Not your fast foods that are chemically altered to make you want more of them.  Not candies, cookies, and other things with lavish amounts of sugar in them.  Note I will eat chocolate again, but I will eat good chocolate not crappy stuff.  I am talking about earth grown, unprocessed delish.  

I am no longer going to feel ashamed about eating anything.  There will inevitably be a day when someone or even myself puts the In and Out double double in front of me and I will take a bit of it or I eat a Big Mac, or Taco Bell, or some BBQ Lays. Trying to say I will never eat garbage again is unrealistic.  However, with the power of I can it allows me to fuck at one meal and get back on the path at the next.  It isn’t a green light to go have Ben and Jerry’s and chips with every meal.  It is really a get out of jail free card.  It is really more of accepting that I am Billy b, I am human, and sooner or later I will be in a place where I won’t be able to have planned everything out and had a meal with me all the time.  So when that meal comes I eat it, I accept it, and I move on from it. 

What this will do for me is relieve a lot of guilt.  I spent the Fourth of July weekend eating what I wanted and not what people would call diet food.  I probably over indulged because my waist line sort of told I did and I took a little advantage of this concept, I know I did.  I can’t lie and say I didn’t.  No one needs to eat a plate full of chips with their veggie delight, no one.  No one needs to eat two cheese burgers just because they cooked two.  However, on both occasion I went to bed stressed out of my mind because I was like oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.  How am I going to lose weight so I can be healthy?  I need to better tomorrow.  While both statements are true, the overwhelming sense of guilt that they brought on was not good.  

It is this guilt and this list of things a fat man should never eat which I think sets me up for failure.  That is why I think it is so important for me to realize I can have whatever I want, whenever I want it.  I am a binge eater.  Have been for a long time and have eaten most of my calories by myself, alone, and in shame.  The foods I always ate are the ones that diets always denied me of.  It was your pizzas, ice creams, and fast foods.  All crap that actually doesn’t taste very good, but stuff I was never normal enough to eat because I was a bigger.  My life if I look back of it is one of consistent restriction. It has always been all or nothing.  I am either eating “good” or not.  This all or nothing attitude has lead me too a place where subconsciously I don’t think I can ever win.  As a human I naturally want everything I can’t have.  I spend more time thinking about the girl that got away, than the one who is right in my face.  In much the same way I spend more time thinking about the food that is going to make me so fat that I can’t bend over, than the food that will give me my life back.  I want what I can’t have. 

So why not abolish that way of thinking because I can’t tell you how many binges have started with going to McDonald’s just this one time. That one time is never one time.  It becomes tomorrow b/c I already blew it this week.  Then it becomes tomorrow and the next day because I will get back on track next week.  So on and so forth.  There has to be a reason why I am so scared I am not going to get enough food. It isn’t because I grew up in a house where food was scarce.  Well from a certain point of view.  I was blessed with parents that were always able to put plenty of food on the table.  However, even back then I ate really fast and I ate like someone was going to try and take it away from me.  So, when I go on these eating exercises it is always with the hope of catching the dragon.  It is with the hope that this will be the one last time I need it.  That I crave it or that I must have it.

I firmly believe part of the issue is the constant restricting all or nothing scenarios I put myself on.  Example, when I ate paleo all I wanted to have was fucking sandwich.  Lunches became hard because I was out of creative ways to make my food interesting and well sometimes a little meat between a couple of slices of bread is just what the doctor ordered.  So when I got that bread that I thought I needed one toe in the pool became an all-out game of Marco Polo in the blink of an eye.   

So why not adopt a new positive attitude towards these things?  Not say I can have them.  Why not say I can have them and have them whenever I want.  Then the need for them, the exotic want and lust for them will diminish.  When there is no out of bounds, then maybe just maybe you will want to stay in the place that makes you feel good.  

I don’t only need to lose weight; I need to reprogram my life.  I need to let things like happiness, fun, and excitement become center piece to my existence.  When asked recently when the last time I had fun was I couldn’t even think of an answer, because I am so screwed up in the head of what is fun and what isn’t it’s not funny.  Was it fun when I took Kona to the dog park yes, it was pleasant, but is that what I do for fun? It is sort of a question that I need to think about.

Thus the reboot is needed.  I make life so much harder than I think it needs to be.  It is easy to do when you overthink every email, text, and comment you get. So, I want to refresh.  I want to allow myself to go without limits.  I want to use the power of I can, to reprogram years of negative feelings and fears of not being able too.  I want to change my relationship with food from a negative to a positive.  

This is an amazing thought that I had over the weekend.  No one can tell me what I can or can’t do, other than me.  No one knows my body better than I do.  No one knows my needs better than I do.  So, if I want to eat five burgers one can stop me from doing it.  However, I believe if I practice smart choices, better choices, then I perhaps I won’t fantasized and dream of getting the high the five burgers would have given me to begin with.  

I am really excited to put this to trial.  I am excited about a lot of the things I have started to do.  Walk for at least 10 minutes daily even if I forget to set my apple watch each time.  I am excited that I am reading again before bed time.  That I am meditating in the a.m.  So it will be interesting to see if my experiment with the Power of I Can has any merit.  I mean I really don’t know if it does or not, what I know is that I am willing to give it a try and see where it takes me.  

Wow had a lot more to say today than I thought J Feels pretty good to write again!

what is left

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write anything.  The motivation has been little to none.  Sometimes there is just nothing to say.  So when I was given an assignment from my life coach to write an essay about why I am powerful, capable, and a valuable man.  The inspiration could come from anywhere achievements, natural abilities, learned skills, characteristic traits or so on and so forth. I found myself thinking wow this will be easy. I have already done this before, I can always just go look at the blog and pull from there.  However, I wonder, if I did that would I miss actually learning something or the point of the experiment anyway?  So, I said ok, I won’t cheat; I have been cheating and taking the easy way out for as long as I can remember when it comes to finding my path and getting my health in check.  Now I am sitting here staring at my screen trying to figure out something to type. 

My Mind:  My mind has long been a both a friend and enemy to me.  However, when I think about what I like about myself and what makes me who I am.  What gives me the ability to stand up and be the person I am today, it all comes back to my mind.  I have a beautiful mind.  The worlds I have created in my imagination are beyond believe, the beauty, the pain, the expanse is great and varied.  I am proud of my creativity.  For a long time I thought it was burden and at times it has been.  For when one accepts the powerful possibilities of the mind one has to take both the good and the bad with it.  However, the same mind that thrust me into depression, darkness, and obsessiveness, is the same mind that leads me out on the other side back to the light. 

Loyalty:  When in the rare case I find something or someone to believe in, I go all in, and I don’t know any other way to do it or to be a friend.  I am like a dog when it comes to loyalty.  Touch me and show me kindness and I will forever have your back.  My best friends know this to be true.  They know that I would go to the very pits of hell for them and they will do the same for me.  So if might be a boss, it might be a friend, co-worker, family, it doesn’t matter my loyalty is absolute.  I often liken my loyalty to the scene at the end of the Fellowship of the Ring, where Aragorn goes to his knees and folds the one ring into Frodo’s and says “I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor.”  I like knowing that when push comes to shove I am someone that the people I love know they can count on.

Giving:  I believe in friendship and life you have to share and give.  There is not point to hold onto everything you have.  You can’t take any of it with you.  So be kind to others and share and give.  Whether it is charity, gifts for friends, or time I am always willing to give for something I believe in.

Work Ethic:  I work hard.   I know I do.  I roll up my sleeves and get the business of the day done.  I do what I have to do to complete my job.  I go above and beyond, and I always have since I started working.  People know they can count on me to get the job done.

Promotion:  Recently I was promoted to VP.  I couldn’t be prouder of myself. I worked so hard to get there.  I stuck it out and accomplished a huge goal of mine.  I never thought when I was passed over for my first promotion or when I was let go from a company after a  couple months b/c they said I was doing a good enough job that I would ever end up being a Vice President.  However, b/c of my work ethic, loyalty, and giving I was able to achieve this goal.  I am very proud of what I have done.  I am proud of the team I have built.  They are the best of the best and I am proud of them. 

Good Daddy: I probably will never have children, but I did get a puppy in December and I am very content with the job and the love I give my little girl Kona.  I worried I would forget things like vet appointments, and medications, but I have not.  I am very good to her.  I give her a great life and she gives me back more than I could ever imagine.  She is my beautiful perfect little puppy. 

Half Marathoner:  I am the walker of halves. I have done 12 half marathons since 2005.  I wanted to find a way to make walking my exercise of choice and I did. I found Team in Training in 2005 and I started walking. I remember my sister telling me on the phone that a ½ marathon was a long way to go and that it was a lot of money to raise, but I was dedicated and I believed I could do it.  I did, and walking became my life. I quested to get better at it and I did. I Pr’ed in back to back half marathons and it was a feeling and a high I can’t really explain.  My biggest goal right now and dream is to get back out there and race again.  I am hobble and current fast is next to nothing but I will race again. 

Triathlete: In 2008 I became a triathlete.  I never thought I would ever do a triathlon.  More so I never thought I would fall in love with the game of Tri but I did.  It had me from the time I first watched one.  I went from someone who watched to someone who did them.  I was so proud the first time I finished and I was even prouder when a few years later I did an Olympic distance on Saturday and a Sprint on Sunday.  My dreams have visions of triathlons in them, I know as I learn to take care of myself I will race again.  I am swimming now and swimming will lead to walking and both of those will lead to biking and the game of Tri will be mine.  However, I am a triathlete and no one can ever take that away from me. 

Listener:  People want to confide in me.  I don’t know why other than I am a good listener.  That I hear what they say.  I give the good feedback and I try to help them.  I try to find the best in each situation they present to me and I give them good and honest advice.

Writer:  The coolest day of my life was when Sara (a friend) introduced me to her sister a writer.  I love to write.  It is my dream to write something people want to read and through my blog and various other things I have written I have been able to entertain people and make them laugh.  Make them feel my emotion through a story and through my words.  I am amazing at conveying emotion through words.  It is my gift.

Sense of Humor:  I am fucking hilarious.  My sense of humor is very dry, a little dark, and very self-deprecating.  I believe if you can laugh at yourself then you can laugh in the face of anything.  I love to make people laugh.  I think one in every 10 of my jokes actually land. I am a shit talking, smart ass, that lover good banter and is always looking to drop the greatest one line of them all.

Leader: I have always thought of myself as a leader.  I always saw myself that way.  Then something happened and I lost my way. However, after the last year looking at the team I have built I know I am a natural leader and that I can inspire people.      

Empathy:  I feel what others feel and I have great compassion for them.  I tend to show people extreme care and understanding.  I transfer this into my work which helps me be a leader.  People see it feel and know they can count on me. I challenge people to bring the best out in them.   I have a deep love and respect for others and I want to help them through their feelings. 

10.4

http://littlegirlandfatman.blogspot.com/2017/01/104.html

work

http://littlegirlandfatman.blogspot.com/2017/01/first-day-of-work.html