The Power of I Can…
My entire life I seem to continually depriving myself of
something. It could be fast food, it
could be meat (vegan for two weeks in June’17), sugars, potatoes, pizza, pasta you
know name it I have sworn it off in some way or another. My life has been in some form or fashion all
or nothing for as long as I can remember.
I am either on or I am off. I am
either up or I am down.
I have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching. There is no doubt that I am overweight, with
some heart issues, and borderline diabetic.
I have family members pushing for
gastric bypass. I have openly started to
consider this course of action. Even
going as far as telling my cardiologist I would do it if he told I should. He said it didn’t matter how I did it, I just
needed to lose weight and give my heart a break. I have considered going into rehab
facilities. I have considered giving up
sugar. I have considered sowing my mouth
shut.
As I was considering options I decided to go back to an
article I had read in January of 2016 that literally changed my life. It was a Friday morning and I was up early
and I was doing what we do now in this day and age when we have free time I was
scrolling through Facebook looking for something to entertain myself with or
more aptly to distract myself from thinking about driving to the office. I came across an article titled “Things I Did
To Lose 160 Pounds Without Ever Dieting” by Joe Bernstein. Being a man who needs to lose at least 160
pounds I was intrigued by it. So I read
it. Most of the things in the article I
was like I can do that. There was one
though, I said I would never do and that was “I shortened my commute”. I just wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to live in San Jose and I wasn’t
going to change jobs. I liked my job and
I wanted to stay where I was. It just
wasn’t an option for me. I drove the
hour and fifteen minutes it took me to get to work that morning and thought
little of it. It was not until that
night it became a huge issue for me. An
hour and forty five minutes it took me to get home. I don’t know why, or how, I know I missed an
appointment. I know I hated every minute
of it. I remember now waking up that next
Saturday and telling myself that I was done commuting and less than a year
later I was living in Livermore. As few
short months later I also did #6 on the list which was “Get a Dog”, which is
one of the better things I have ever done with my life.
I don’t know why I went back and looked at the article but I
did and when I did I found a link to the gentlemen who wrote its website. So, I made a decision right then and
there. I was going to reach out to him
and pick his brain for how did. What he
faced. How he climbed the proverbial
mountain that is weight loss. In all my
journeys in weight loss or lack thereof it, I have never actually talked to
someone who has been down the path before and been successful at it. I have emailed people here or there and
gotten responses but never anyone who wanted to take me under their wing and
really look at what makes me tic and what would be good for me to do or change
to make myself a healthier more powerful me.
When I sit here and think about that, it is the one thing I think my Dad
always said. Find someone who has walked
the path. He said that to me probably 50 times. Find out what they did then do it. Funny how sometimes things are right in front
of our face and we don’t realize it.
This weekend I missed Dad.
I mean really missed him. I do
what I do every 4th of July weekend.
I watched American Pie. Well I
end up watching the original trilogy. I
just can’t get into American Reunion. I
just can’t. I just hate the fact that
every movie they hate Stiffler again, which after American Wedding makes no
sense what so ever. Anyway, probably the
hero’s trial he has to go on to become accepted I guess. They have a formula and it seems to work for
them. Anyway, as I watched I become sad
because they were the last movies I remember watching with my Dad. It was 2008 a few weeks before I started my
current job. Mom and Dad were out for a
visit the weather wasn’t good so we sat down to watch a funny movie. I put in American Pie, thinking my Dad would
hate it, but Mom Carol might find it amusing.
Wow, my Dad loved it. He laughed
so hard, like I have never seen him laugh at a movie. He demanded to watch the 2nd movie
and he loved that too. By the time
American Wedding finished he was talking about Old Stiffler like he was an old
high school buddy and the shenanigans he got up too. It
made me sad because I miss Dad. It makes
me smile because of what a good time we had.
I realize now I have gone off tangent, but that is ok. It happens.
I am never nervous when I tell someone my tale. It is more or less the story of me. Emailing Joe was not any different. I was open and honest. I shared my blogs. I shared my highs and lows. My journey such as it was to this place, in
this point and time. Joe reached out to
me fairly quickly and the next thing I knew we were holding long palaver. We agreed to start working together and I am
very excited to not be walking this path alone anymore. It is nice to have someone to support me and
help me. While at the same time call me
out on my bullshit and to help me realize that there is no best way to do this,
and that I have to find and forge my way.
He introduced me to a book that has sort of blown my mind a
little bit. It talks about the very
important qualities on one’s diet that we don’t normally thinking about. Such
as relaxation, love, stress reduction, is the ones that jump out to me. Things that when you read them you just know
in your heart of hearts that it are intuitively true.
The book also re-introduced a concept to me of eating what
you want but focus on how you eat it.
Focus on the time it takes you to eat.
Study the food. See if the food
is worthy of your palate. As you slow
down you might realize just how awful some of the crap you stuff in your mouth
is, because you are focused on it.
Eating slowly is nothing new to me.
I know it is supposed to help. Although thinking about thinking about if you
are in a stressed state versus an unstressed one, well that is something new to
me altogether. It was something I never
really focused on. A very interesting
thing I learned is that if I eat food I like.
Say for example a Boca burger with baked fries and a salad, I am not
stressed. I am not worried if it will be
enough food. I am not worried if I will
enjoy the taste. I just sit at my table
with my puppy at my feet and focus on what I am eating. Sure my mind occasionally drifts into a
problem at work, or how I need to kill my first person (meaning a character in
a story). However unlike when I am zombied
out in front of the TV, I catch myself at drift and I pull it back together and
reset my focus. Let’s take this meal
versus a vegan meal I ate the night before that was premade for me. It was fully of sprouts and zucchinis. I hate zucchini, I am not saying I will
always hate them, but right now they are enemy of the state. I can eat broccoli. I can eat cauliflower, sprouts, and bell
peppers, but zucchini doesn’t butter my bread.
So, I was up tight and anxious as I microwaved it. I worried about the taste. I worked about the
texture. I am very into the texture of
what I eat, but let’s put a pin in that and visit it at a later date. I couldn’t enjoy the vegan meal. I was unhappy the entire time I ate. It was like forcing food down my throat and
my gag reflex wanted to rule the day.
The above experience really talked to me about how important
it is to enjoy your food. I remember
coming to work the other day and my brother Sunny d told me I am in a place
that I shouldn’t enjoy my food that I just need to get my shit together and eat
unenjoyable stuff. I can vividly
remember how angry it made me. That I
was just supposed to torture myself to reach my goals, when in my mind, I
firmly believed there has to be a better way.
Let’s be 100% clear here.
I no longer harbor the delusion that I can eat cheeseburgers every night
with baked fries and get to the waste line I want. I cannot have weekly binges because I feel
lonely, unloved, or unwanted. Sure the
email exchanged didn’t achieve what you wanted.
The text message was not fruitful other than to remind you that you are
spending the evening alone. So on and so
forth. I do fully believe 115% that I
have to change my ways. I can’t eat
sugar, premade foods, or and most pasta’s and breads. I have to restrict my serving sizes. I have to abstain from In and Out, Panda, and
Subway. I need a complete eating make
over.
That being said just because you get made over doesn’t mean
you can’t enjoy your repast. I know
better don’t I. Haven’t I walked this
path before? To some extent yes I have. About a year into this blog, I found a
balance between eating good foods, my mind, and weight loss. I know finding that harmony again is what
will lead to my success. Basically, what
I am saying is I think I can lose weight without ever really dieting at
all. It’s more than a lifestyle change
too. It is accepting certain things and
believing them. At this point in time I don’t know what all
those things are. Also, I know for every
person who believes in eating real food there are people that will tell you
weight loss is all based on energy put in and energy burned. That weight loss is about sacrifice, hitting the
gym for two hours a day, or having surgery.
What truly matters is what I believe.
I am not a fool. I
know I can’t walk down the same path again and hope it will work out
differently. Tried that in my personal
life went nowhere fast, in fact I think that is how the define insanity. There was a reason that in 2014 I was
derailed. Some say it was dealing with grief
over my Dad’s illness. Some might say it
was not letting go of things that you know are bad for you but you try to make
them work anyway. Some might say you
just didn’t want it bad enough. Others
will blame my job. My state of mind, depression, needing attention, etc.…, etc.…
I am sure that there is some truth in all of those things. I honestly believe I wasn’t ready. I thought I was ready to take that giant leap
forward but in the end, the time was all off.
Maybe I didn’t believe it was sustainable. Maybe I don’t believe I don’t deserve to find
my way and be happy. I think it is all
of the above to some extent. Like a lot
of things you learn in life there are no easy answers.
So what is my plan?
And what the hell do I mean by the Power of I Can. My plan is to stand up, remember the face of
my father, and walk the path. Remember
the one thing that was by my side both times I have had significant weight loss
is my writing. It is a power source all
on its own. When I let if out the demons
that dance in my head I tend to stay on the path longer and stray from it less
and less. I will keep one thing in my
head that Brother Bob said to me in the summer of 2014, forget about what
others have done, it is time to write your own weight loss story. That is so powerful for me. I look at these other people and what they
do. I try to immolate that. So I can share two pictures on Facebook the
before and after shot. However, it is
time I stop being a follower and be my own leader. Be my own man.
That starts with something that has been growing in the back
of my mind since this weekend and that is the Power of I Can. What is this magical mystical power? It is simple.
I can put whatever I want into my mouth.
There are no longer good “foods” and bad “foods”, there are only “foods”. First, when I talk about food, I talk about
whole real food. Not your fast foods
that are chemically altered to make you want more of them. Not candies, cookies, and other things with
lavish amounts of sugar in them. Note I
will eat chocolate again, but I will eat good chocolate not crappy stuff. I am talking about earth grown, unprocessed
delish.
I am no longer going to feel ashamed about eating
anything. There will inevitably be a day
when someone or even myself puts the In and Out double double in front of me and
I will take a bit of it or I eat a Big Mac, or Taco Bell, or some BBQ Lays. Trying
to say I will never eat garbage again is unrealistic. However, with the power of I can it allows me
to fuck at one meal and get back on the path at the next. It isn’t a green light to go have Ben and
Jerry’s and chips with every meal. It is
really a get out of jail free card. It
is really more of accepting that I am Billy b, I am human, and sooner or later I
will be in a place where I won’t be able to have planned everything out and had
a meal with me all the time. So when
that meal comes I eat it, I accept it, and I move on from it.
What this will do for me is relieve a lot of guilt. I spent the Fourth of July weekend eating
what I wanted and not what people would call diet food. I probably over indulged because my waist
line sort of told I did and I took a little advantage of this concept, I know I
did. I can’t lie and say I didn’t. No one needs to eat a plate full of chips
with their veggie delight, no one. No
one needs to eat two cheese burgers just because they cooked two. However, on both occasion I went to bed
stressed out of my mind because I was like oh my god, oh my god, oh my
god. How am I going to lose weight so I
can be healthy? I need to better
tomorrow. While both statements are
true, the overwhelming sense of guilt that they brought on was not good.
It is this guilt and this list of things a fat man should
never eat which I think sets me up for failure.
That is why I think it is so important for me to realize I can have
whatever I want, whenever I want it. I
am a binge eater. Have been for a long
time and have eaten most of my calories by myself, alone, and in shame. The foods I always ate are the ones that
diets always denied me of. It was your
pizzas, ice creams, and fast foods. All
crap that actually doesn’t taste very good, but stuff I was never normal enough
to eat because I was a bigger. My life
if I look back of it is one of consistent restriction. It has always been all
or nothing. I am either eating “good” or
not. This all or nothing attitude has
lead me too a place where subconsciously I don’t think I can ever win. As a human I naturally want everything I can’t
have. I spend more time thinking about
the girl that got away, than the one who is right in my face. In much the same way I spend more time
thinking about the food that is going to make me so fat that I can’t bend over,
than the food that will give me my life back. I want what I can’t have.
So why not abolish that way of thinking because I can’t tell
you how many binges have started with going to McDonald’s just this one time.
That one time is never one time. It becomes
tomorrow b/c I already blew it this week.
Then it becomes tomorrow and the next day because I will get back on
track next week. So on and so forth. There has to be a reason why I am so scared I
am not going to get enough food. It isn’t because I grew up in a house where
food was scarce. Well from a certain point
of view. I was blessed with parents that
were always able to put plenty of food on the table. However, even back then I ate really fast and
I ate like someone was going to try and take it away from me. So, when I go on these eating exercises it is
always with the hope of catching the dragon.
It is with the hope that this will be the one last time I need it. That I crave it or that I must have it.
I firmly believe part of the issue is the constant
restricting all or nothing scenarios I put myself on. Example, when I ate paleo all I wanted to
have was fucking sandwich. Lunches
became hard because I was out of creative ways to make my food interesting and
well sometimes a little meat between a couple of slices of bread is just what
the doctor ordered. So when I got that
bread that I thought I needed one toe in the pool became an all-out game of
Marco Polo in the blink of an eye.
So why not adopt a new positive attitude towards these
things? Not say I can have them. Why not say I can have them and have them
whenever I want. Then the need for them,
the exotic want and lust for them will diminish. When there is no out of bounds, then maybe
just maybe you will want to stay in the place that makes you feel good.
I don’t only need to lose weight; I need to reprogram my
life. I need to let things like
happiness, fun, and excitement become center piece to my existence. When asked recently when the last time I had
fun was I couldn’t even think of an answer, because I am so screwed up in the
head of what is fun and what isn’t it’s not funny. Was it fun when I took Kona to the dog park
yes, it was pleasant, but is that what I do for fun? It is sort of a question
that I need to think about.
Thus the reboot is needed.
I make life so much harder than I think it needs to be. It is easy to do when you overthink every
email, text, and comment you get. So, I want to refresh. I want to allow myself to go without
limits. I want to use the power of I
can, to reprogram years of negative feelings and fears of not being able
too. I want to change my relationship
with food from a negative to a positive.
This is an amazing thought that I had over the weekend. No one can tell me what I can or can’t do,
other than me. No one knows my body
better than I do. No one knows my needs
better than I do. So, if I want to eat
five burgers one can stop me from doing it.
However, I believe if I practice smart choices, better choices, then I
perhaps I won’t fantasized and dream of getting the high the five burgers would
have given me to begin with.
I am really excited to put this to trial. I am excited about a lot of the things I have
started to do. Walk for at least 10
minutes daily even if I forget to set my apple watch each time. I am excited that I am reading again before
bed time. That I am meditating in the
a.m. So it will be interesting to see if
my experiment with the Power of I Can has any merit. I mean I really don’t know if it does or not,
what I know is that I am willing to give it a try and see where it takes
me.
Wow had a lot more to say today than I thought J Feels pretty good to
write again!
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