And so it ends....

Since September of last year, I have been trying to find the words to say goodbye.   These things take a while sometimes.  I was thinking I needed to end with a bang.  Three wonderful life altering entries into my blog that would astound and amaze.  Writing that where so good that life would change on the turn of a dime.  Life doesn't work that way, there is no silver bullet that will fix all.  

The truth is I stopped The Buddy System a long time ago.  When I realized life was about making me happy, not others.  That my goals needed to match my dreams not others.  People’s opinions, views, and judgements of you don’t matter, what makes you happy does.  What matters, what truly matters, is when you are standing at the base of your Dark Tower you can look at it, and you can say I did it my way, I did it the best I could, and I am satisfied with my how my life turned out.  That you have told people to keep their mouths shut and keep their fucking opinions to themselves. 

I didn’t know how much I had grown.  I didn’t let myself see it.  I was to focused on thinking I was a number on the scale, and not a person.  When I started this, I really thought my weight defined me.  My weight doesn’t mean shit.  It is a number.  I am more than a weight problem; I am a person.   I am Billy fucking b and I am awesome.

So, I am going.  This is it, this is the end to the buddy system, the girl I used know and loved is gone and the need to please others is as well.  So, now it is time to focus, really focus on getting healthy and letting go of everything and facing life, my fear, and everything else that I have stayed away from.  This is the last good-bye I swear.  The reasons I started this are gone, so the updates trying to make myself feel better about it are going too. 

I am not done writing.  There will be other blogs.  There will be other things coming from my fingertips but you dear reader that is for you to fine.  There are hints if you want to read Billy b, you can find him.

About a Girl...

"I need an easy friend
I do, with an ear to lend
I don't think you fit this shoe
I do, won't you have a clue

I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night"

- About a Girl, Nirvana



Here is the sad sick truth about his blog, I started it for a girl.  This whole thing has been about a girl.  Hoping by some hope that she would see that I was worthy of her.  I thought if I could document the changes I was willing to go through for her, then perhaps maybe, just maybe she would would love me the way I loved her.  So much has changed since I sat down and wrote a blog called "So it begins..."  That was 2013 it was another life, another time, it all seems like a distant memory or a dream.  

I would be lying if I said I don't still dream about that girl.  Sometimes the dreams are so intense and so real and then you wake up.  The dreams are always good, it is the waking up that is hard.  Then you by the time you get out of bed and let the dog out they fade into back of your mind and wait for another dream to come along to remind you.  The things we do for love, one of my favorite Game of Thrones charactors said moments before he pushed a little boy out of a tower window.  He tried to kill a little boy and I tried to write my way into the heart.  Hell, I have done worse that that trying to win the favor of a women.  I miss her smile, I miss her trash talking, but the world moves on.  

It started out for a girl, but it turned into something so much more important for me.  I think most of life's journines are like that aren't they.  They start out going right and then they swing back to the left.  I would not trade what this adventure had been for me. It was an unguided trip down the rabbit hole.  Where I touched some of the deepest and darkest places of my mind.  

5 to 6 years is a life time.  So many things change.  I didn't get what I wanted out of why I started this blog.  I have no idea where that girl is, at some point in time you have to let things go.  So, I didn't get the girl.  I also didn't get to my goal of losing weight.  However, I found so much more.  

I am not the boy I was when I started this journey.  My head space is so much better.  I have faced the voices that dance in my head.   I have found something much more important that what I started out wanting and looking for.  Something that will help me take the next step...  I think it is good to explore the origins of the things we do and the decisions we make.  Perhaps when you can look at things objectively you can move on from them and now face the real challenges and obstacles we face.

The truth is none of this was really every about a girl.  Not that I didn't love this girl and still do.  The issues that I talked about in this blog where all direct reflections on myself.  This was really never about anyone but me. Still struggling with the same issues I was when I first arrived in California.  I think some of our demons we never really our run.  We just find better ways to deal with them.

the good and the bad

An interesting fact I have learned is that if you are going to stop binge eating, you first must stop dieting.  Mind blowing concept isn't it.  I stopped dieting in September 2019, I started reading a book called Intuitive Eating and working with a dietician who didn't believe in diets and a therapist that supported Inutive Eating as well.  It was magically having people telling you could have the bad food in the house.  

Well, I suppose that there is real misconception there because there is not good or bad food after all there is only food.  Sure some foods will have different impact on your body but in most things we put in our body there is some piece of nutritional value in it.  I am not a scientist, I am not dietician so i could be wrong, but really what is important is to understand that we can eat whatever we want.  We can be healthy at any size, and more importantly we don't have to be a prisoner and a slave to diets, ideal images, or any of that other bullshit in the modern world.

The best part of calling food, all food, just food is I no longer binge.  I am not sure if anyone understands how huge of an accomplishment that is or not.  I can drive home from work and not fit with myself the entire time on if I am going to stop at In and Out or not, because I am not.  I don't struggle and notice McDonald's and want to got there each time I get off the exit to my house.

However, to sit here and say the last 9 months have been all shits and giggles would be to tell you a lie.  As part of allowing all foods in my house, I started to buy things like breads, ice creams, and  chips on the regular.  I worked them into my every day diet.  I think I had at least two Italian Ices (total 180 calories in both) each night for October, November, and December.  It was controlled.  I didn't get them both out and sit down at once and hog them down.  It was not a binge but it was not good.  Chips would last in my house 2 weeks after opening.  That is amazing. It wasn't like I opened them and had to eat them all b/c I had to get them out of the house or my diet would be ruined.  For Xmas dinner I ate chex mix, the candy kind that my mom had sent me, I ate that for dinner for like three nights in a row.  It was poor choices but not a binge.

Maybe because of this, my age, or even family history in January my blood sugar went out of whack.  I knew there was something not right with my body.  I was tired all of the time.  I had headaches.  I just felt bad.  I had my blood tested at the end of January, and the results were bad.  My A1C was over 7 and the diagnosis I had dreaded became a reality.  Was it the sugar?  Was it the Hastings Blood?  Was it some combination of both?  Who knows.  It doesn't really matter.

I have continued on the Intuitive Path and lost 30 pounds since my diagnosis.  That's ok, but I struggle with portion sizes and control.  I have good days and bad days, and the most fucked up thing I think I have learned is that it is about 95% mental.

The most important thing you can do for yourself to get your health right and back on track is to get your mind right.  Give yourself self compassion and self love.  It is also the hardest thing to do.  Especially, if you have an inner voice that is negative and on your ass all the time.  For 43 years I have talked to myself poorly.  I am working really hard trying to change the inner dialog.  Why else would I be going to a therapy session on a holiday?   Same reason I have a life coach now.  Same reason I don't let the office dictate my life anymore.

I still struggle... mostly with loneliness and boredom.  I am working on answers for that.  One thing is to pick blogging back up.  That will be helpful. Stupid Blogger App doesn't exist anymore and that was my favorite.  Anyway it doesn't matter, I have a new laptop that should help.

My currently plan on food is to use all tools I have on my tool belt.  Find the ones I can work with the best.  The number 1 being my therapy and my mind work.  Fix the mind, the body will follow

The Kid looks at 43

I am going into my 43rd year and I am doing just fine with it.  I am so happy with where I am mentally and emotionally today.  It has taken a long time to get here and no things are not perfect but life isn't perfect.  My plans for a happy and healthy life are in full swing.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Today was a great Birthday i heard from great friends and from family.  I got to have a nice game of Bocce Ball. I started my day off doing something nice for people by buying the car behind me at Starbuck's coffee for them.  I figured the first thing I should do was spread a little good juju!!!

Let the Black Reaper Rise / Start the week by visualizing your hopes for the future

(the picture is of me and my sister when I was at an acceptable weight where I could do everything I wanted to do and I will get back there, just have to find my way back....  today's visualization is a step in the right direction)

It's been a long time since the Black Reaper has Risen, those true fans know where we are going!

Visualizing your hopes for the future:

Light is creeping into the otherwise black room.  He can see it, he hates the light, because he knows it is time to roll out of bed and get the day started.  Sleep is good, and although he has had over 8 hours already, he wants more.   His body screams for him not to move, not to roll over, just close your eyes and rest, you have earned it.  Nine miles on your feet yesterday, yes you have earned it indeed.  He listens for a moment.  Then he shakes it off nine miles is not the goal, it is only part of the building the foundation to where he wants to go. 

He starts to move and feels the warm slumbering presence next to him.  He rolls over to it, and pulls the hair away from her cheek and plants a small kiss there.  Then he whispers in her ear he is going and he’ll be back for a late breakfast.  There is a mumble, it is incoherent and he would expect no less at this early hour. 

He rolls the other way now and puts his feet down on the through rug.  He thinks it is debatable if it is really that much better than putting his feet down on the linoleum.  It was her idea, not his, but hey she wanted to make the place look less like a lifetime bachelor pad, and this was one of those compromises.  The through rugs were easy concessions to make, as long as she didn’t try to take down his Samurai female warrior all would be good, that print was awesome and he would fight for that one. 

As he stood he noticed a stir to his left, and he turned and held his hand up, letting Kona know that it was not time to get up.  She kept standing anyway and he snapped his fingers and pointed down and she lay back down.  It had taken years to get that to work on her but years he put in with her and it seemed to pay off.  He then turned to his left a little more and looked at Loki curled into a ball on the next pillow over, never need to worry about that boy getting up early, he like to sleep like his Dad.  He loved his dogs, they were his babies. 

He turned now to his right and caught a glimpse of his almost naked body in the mirror.  He smiled.  He was no Adonis but he was no longer 500 pounds either and his body felt like it was in a good place.  A nice weight where it needed to be, he knew he would never be 170 or 180 pounds.  He also knew he didn’t need to be.  Not to do what he wanted to do. Not to go where he wanted to go.  All he needed was to accept who he was and push his body and its limits as far as they could go and he was. He still had a belly, and he still had a double chin but he none of that mattered. 

He traded his boxer briefs for his padded shorts.  Looking out the bathroom window gaging where the sun was already he pulled out a neon shirt and pulled it on.  It was too dark outside for black, his preferred color.  He turned and headed for the door.  Again, Kona tried to get up.  Her tail was whipping back and forth now with ever increasing intensity.  She looked up at him, but he shook his head and held his hand up again in a stay gesture.  He opened the door and closed it behind him.  He walked down the hallway to what had been his office and got into the closet and pulled out a pair of shorts.  They were yellow and covered with black dots, not his favorite but they were safe.  Hell for all he knew these could be her socks but he really didn’t care.  They would make him stand out and that is what is important. 

He sat on the couch and put on his shoes where he tied them and then pulled the Velcro strap tight across the top.  He then reached to the table and pulled on his gloves one at a time and closed the Velcro to tighten them.  He stood up and walked to the garage and opened the door.  He walked past the cars and opened the cabinet and pulled his helmet out, but it on and strapped it under his chin.  Then he turned and pulled his bike down from the hanger on the ceiling. 

He mounted his bike and said to himself 25 miles, I got this.  It was only part total mileage he would need before race day, but he would get there.  He clipped into his pedal and pushed off, and started his ride.  

I visualized several things in this little story, did you catch them all?

1. getting a good nights rest

2. Waking up next to a person I love

3. Having a well trained dog, which I feel like I am on the way to doing.

4.  Having a 2nd Black Lab named Loki

5. Being at the right size and weight for my body

6.  Being able to walk long distances again.

7. Being able to ride my bike again

All very realistic and good goals that I have and thru happiness, working with good people, make like style changes and believing in myself I am going to get there....

GREAT DREAM

Ok, where I was a little hesitant before to endorse it: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/ rocks! I really really like it!  I have gotten some great reads from there. Even if one of them is a bit depressing at first. 

Ten Keys to Happier Living is awesome!!!  It is a great way to learn and do happiness!

G = Giving

R = Relating

E = Exercising

A = Awareness

T = Trying Out

D = Direction

R = Resilience

E = Emotions

A = Acceptance

M = Meaning

Giving = I want to give and help others, I have always wanted to do that.  My biggest dream in life is to help other people to learn to become happy with who they are, just as they are.  

Relating = As much as I don't want to admit it, I am a people person.  I need people and I like people.  Yes I need my alone time, but I also feel like people are drawn to me and I have a good connection with them. 

Exercising = Swim, swim, swim, swim, swim... walk, swim... love my exercise

Awareness = I am trying to live my life as mindfully as I can.  I am trying to see why I do thing, why I feel things, what it is and why I do it.  I am trying to open my mind.  

Trying out = I am always wanting to learn more and more and do new things.  I love to learn and I am going to keep doing it. 

Direction = Having a goal and something to look forward too gives life meaning, all our lives need to have meaning or what is the point of living.  

Resilience = Me Billy b by definition is resilience.  I always get up off the mat and try and try and try again

Emotions = Focus on the good in each situation, find the good

Acceptance = This is a hard one for me... but you have to accept who you are and what you are.  I am learning to accept myself.

Meaning = They say this is to be part of something bigger... I want to be part of something bigger.. I want to be part of the happiness movement.  I want to be a happiness advocate and warrior!  

Make a list of things that you are looking forward to...

Sunday the 14th Action Item was to make a list of all the things you are looking forward to... it amazes me when I sit down to write about it, my mind draws a blank and I can't think of one thing I am actually looking forward to.  I would think that i should sit down and be able to list off three or four things I just can't wait for. However, maybe because it was a lazy Sunday and I am typing this up on Monday, my brain isn't functioning at a high level?  However, after a lil' thought, a few things did pop into my head.

- Finishing 2018 Strong!  2018 has been if nothing else a great year for me because as a person I have grown so much. Shut up, I am not talking about my waist line brain.  I mean as a person.  I have learned, and developed into a person I can be proud of and happy with.  Still though need to finish strong!


- My next swim - each and every day I swim there are moments when I don't want to go.  I am to tired, I am to sore, it is to cold or there always a something.  However, each time I am so happy to have gone and swum.  To get in the water and move without restriction it is my little bit of heaven on earth.   

- Continuing my journey to happiness.  I love taking actions towards happiness.  I like making action towards a new and better life. 

- To talking to her again.  I miss her and I wish I could talk to her.

- Going back to Hawaii

- Riding my bike again

- Starting my life's work and working towards bringing joy and happiness to those around me.