Considering that you feel people see you as just a weight problem, how do you want to be seen by friends and family

Considering that you feel people see you as just a weight problem, how do you want to be seen by friends and family?

I think this is a trick question.  After more than a week turning it over in my head, I have to believe it is a trick question.   The reason I say that and feel that is there are these things I want people to see me as.  Funny, handsome, deep, interesting, loveable, nice and well the list just keeps going on.  I want people to see past my huge amounts of fat and see what is really on the inside of me.  That yes I can be a jerk with a tongue like a razor but I am can also be sweet and kind.   I might be packing an entire extra person around and I need to lose them, but I am still pretty handsome for a fat dude and let’s not forget about my great hair.  I want people to take a chance on me.  I want them to believe just because I am fat now it is not my destiny to always be this way.  I think about all this stuff and somehow and some way I want to put it into this great blog that really shows people who and what I am. 

I thought about writing my ideal image here.  I thought about talking about how nice and giving I am.  I thought saying how I want people to be bigger than what most people are and look past the look of what I am and see the man that is underneath.  I thought about all this stuff then I thought how can I ask people to see me in a way, that I don’t even see myself?

Let’s forget about how I want other to see me.  Take that and put it aside. I know that is the question and I know that is what I am supposed to be answering, but I can’t answer it, until I want to see myself.  More importantly how do I see myself?

The brutal honest of it all is on any given day at any point in time I feel like a failure.  I feel like I have wasted some truly wonderful gods given talent.  I feel like the gift of words that so many people have told me I am good with; I have turned my back on it.  That it is something I use to try and get myself little compliments.  I try to use my words to make me look and feel cool.  At times I see myself as a half rotting corpse that has been covered with a black plague that is eating my very life away.  I see that I am full of so much hate, rage, and anger that I have turned to food to slowly and surely destroy and kill myself. I see myself as some who has trouble getting up and walking around. That can barely stand for 10 minutes let alone walk for that long.  I see myself as uncomfortable and awkward.   I also see myself as mean and to some extent even evil.  I see all these things in my mind.  I don’t spend a lot of time looking in mirrors because everything I see in a mirror or reflection I hate.  The only features of my own I like to look at is my eyes and my hair, because no matter how I see myself, I always see my hair as kicking ass, bad hair days are few and far between for this guy.  I see myself turning into a hermit by being someone who shies away from the world.  I am so someone so desperate for attention and need that all though I try to hide myself and go unnoticed I make myself so large that no one can possibly miss me. On any given day, at any given time, this is what I might see.  It is the dead truth of the dilemma.  I don’t see myself in a very good light, so why should my family, girls, or anyone else see me any differently?  How can I ask others to be better than I am?

This line of thinking all started because people kept asking me about my weight.   Either did I go to WW that day?  How much have I lost?  I should try this plan, or go to rehab with this dude, because he is just like you, do it together.  It started because when asked those questions I asked is that all they care about is if I am fat or skinny.  Is that all they see that I am a fatty.  Now the horrible truth has come out, it may or may not be what they see; it might only be what I see.  

If I never lost another pound for the rest of the time I am in this vessel in this time and this place how do I want to be seen?  Not by others but in my own mind. 

I want to see the man who cares so much he would sacrifice anything for those people he held dear to him.  I want to see the heart of gold that has so much empathy for others and is a man of compassion.  I want to see the success I have had personally, professionally, and financially.  I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  That this world is a good world and I am good force in this world.    I want to see that there is so much more to me than my weight.  Even though it might consume my frame it does not own my heart, and soul.  It doesn’t define who I am and what I can or cannot be.  I want to see myself rise above all the hate, rage, and sadness and see myself in the beautiful light so many others see me in.   I want to see smart, funny, and witty.  I want to see focus, strong, and just.  I want to see the heart of gold.  I want to see the dreamer living his dreams.  I want to see myself as an open book for the whole wide world to read. 

So maybe the question isn’t a trick question?  Maybe it is a question to get me to think how I see myself and why I think that is what people should notice about me.  Maybe I need to get over the hang up of being obese.  Maybe I need to focus on making long term life style changes and stop worry so damn much what others say, think, or do.  I can’t control them.  I can only control me.  So if I want people to see a better Billy b, then maybe I need to start projecting a better one.  I need to start projecting one and seeing the good stuff more and more often.  Each day I write down what I am grateful and each day it gets a little easier to find things to be grateful for. 

We all have good things and bad things we see about ourselves.  We all see them at the same time.  I just tend to believe the bad over the good.  I need to stop doing that.  I need to focus on the good and the beautiful.  I have to see myself in a strong and positive way, so that is what I project into the world!