Every day I go onto Facebook and I see more and more stories
of people losing large amount of weight.
It never fails to create equal amounts of joy for their accomplishments
and frustration over the lack of accomplishments I have in my own quiver. It has been a long battle of me and my
weight. I feel like I have been losing
more than I have been winning the last week.
I have endured a lot of stress, hate, and hostility but at the same time
been filled with hope, and potential.
I was leaving the office last week, and I did what I do most
days when I leave the office, I stopped at the restroom. I don’t know why every day when I get to the
office my first stop is the pisser and why when I leave it is my last
stop. Could be my fear of dehydration
and the 120 ounces I suck down during the day.
Could be that when I am heading to the car I always ask myself do I have
to pee and once I start thinking about it, then I do have to pee. Could be I have been gifted with the bladder
of an infinite. I can’t really say. However, I go to the bathroom on the way
out.
When I was walking out last Wednesday, I turned and did
something I don’t normally do I turned and looked into the mirror as I walked
out. For the first time in I don’t know
how long I felt hope. I don’t know why I
felt hope. I just believed in that
moment if I kept working on it, that I would eventually have one of those feel
good stories you see on Facebook. It is
weird I say the same thing I always see, but it was different because I believe
the outcome was going to be different. I
left the office smiling.
Then the world turned upside down on me and I found myself
in a very stressful situation. The shit
was hitting the fan and I turned to Patxi’s and the shit started in a downward
slope. I found myself in the donuts on
Friday morning and finishing of the medium Patxi’s for lunch. However evne with donuts in and pizza in me I
made myself go do something good for myself on Friday afternoon and I went and
had swim. It was glorious. Not the distance or the laps or anything like
that. Just being in the water and
feeling good. I came home, I made
dinner, and I ate lots of broccoli.
However later that night I found myself having a McFlurry.
Saturday I kept myself busy.
From what I recall it was a pretty good day. Sunday started off good. I went and
swam. I got a haircut. I went to the McDonald’s drive in for
lunch. I came home and started cooking
dinner.
You noted that McDonald’s drive thru thing? Oh, ya.
I was weak. I don’t know why I did it.
I just found myself in the drive thru. I didn’t binge; I just made a
really shitty good choice. I mean if
there is a silver lining that is it. I
spent the rest of the afternoon beating myself up about it. Even though I spent the afternoon slicing
veggies and smoking some lean meat.
However, I couldn’t get over my failure from earlier in the day and that
is when I started thinking about all the people on line and seeing what they
did and were being successful at it and what I did and getting further from my
goals. I am angry because I know I can
do better and even though I am more aware of what I am eating, when I am eating
and why.
I know that every day I work on my mind and strength it. I write down at least three things I am
grateful for each morning when I get up. I spend time in meditation. I work hard to focus my thoughts and
understand my actions. I have no doubt
that the trouble I am having with food is a mind game that I am playing with
myself.
I really believe once I can figure my mind out, then losing
weight will happen. I am coming to
realize that TV has a huge impact on me.
It used to be the walking dead was such an emotional toll on me that
after each episode I would end up at the 7-11 in San Jose and have a pint or
two. Now, I am realizing that my beloved
Game of Thrones isn’t treating me much better.
Last night I woke up three times worried about Jon and Arya. I also ended up back at the drive thru at
mcdonalds for another Mcflurry last night.
It was easy with the walking dead.
After Neagan bashed some heads in, I walked away. The show had become cyclical. Good guys fight hard, find good place to
live, bad people come and ruin it, oh ya and there are zombies, oops,
Walkers. Game of Thrones I can’t walk
away at this point, only 8 episodes left and have been waiting for over a
decade to see how this story turns out.
So maybe my strategies need to be better? Either way after GOT is done this season; I
am going to have a serious TV restriction coming.
You know how much TV I watched when I was a Tri-athlete and
a Marathoner? A lot less than what I
watch now, I the proper answer to that question. I had gone off football all together. I was out of the college game and I would only
watch the colts play if nationally televised.
Now, I watch every game on Saturday, some days not even leaving the
house, only to follow it up with every game on Sunday via the NFL Redzone. I am not complaining, I actually love it, but
there is so much time wasted.
I struggle with the TV right now. I am in a place where I have finished a show
(Narcos) and I refuse to start another season of anything new. If I do, I get stuck. I can say sure I will only watch one hour but
that one hour quickly becomes two. Hell
to finish Narcos I went on a 4 episode Friday night binge. Loved it, not complaining, just stating that
I have to detach myself form that behavior.
First, I have a baby living with me. She needs more attention than watching TV all
day can give her. She has so much energy
and like her daddy she loves to lounge around in the sun. I actually got mad at her last night because
she wouldn’t come inside. Can you
believe that. Yes, after an hour the HBO
app finally gave me GOT and yes I was annoyed she wasn’t on the couch with me
while I watched. I didn’t get a puppy to
watch TV with her. I got her to help me
get up and move more.
Two, I really need to give my time to my own ideas. My head is overflowing with them. Some are horror stories, some are comedies,
some are 50 shades of greyish or so I am told. I never read the books or saw
the movies so I can’t say. Whatever it
is I have to get it out. Perhaps if I
had spent 20 minutes journaling my thoughts on how stupid an armistice is with
the Lannister’s of all fucking people.
Come on, these are the assholes who blew up a church and put the red
wedding in motion. Jamie got no credit
for that in the show but in the books he and the Bolton fella certainly did
have some interesting dialogue. Anyway
so much shit inside I want to get out that I just don’t spend any time with.
Then there is new and additional knowledge I am hungry for
that I must acquire. I can’t learn new
things if I am planted in front of the TV all the time. Look TV isn’t the reason I am fat. However, it doesn’t help the cause
either.
I need to get real about what I am doing. I need to focus my mind and energy not on
vegging out but building a temple that has a strong foundation. One that is more of a fortress that is not
easily penetrated by the non-sense one has to go through in his day to day life
or existence. I mean up or down, I
should have a plan. I should execute on
that plan.
Do I think I am better today than I was yesterday and better
than I was three months ago? Yes, yes I
do. Do I think I have a long way to go
to make things better? Yes, yes, I do.
I have had the perfect day off today. It started with a morning of playing with the
puppy and taking her to day care. Then I
came home and showered and got ready to go swimming. Don’t ask me why I showered before I went
swimming. Ok so ask and I will tell
you. It was because I had a massage
after swimming and I think I thought I would be cleaner if I showered before
and got ready like on a normal morning and now when I sit here and type it makes
zero sense. Then I swam and it was a good
swim. I felt powerful in the water. After the swim, I went and bought a pair of
tweezers because I got one of my headphones from my water ipod stuck in my
ear. Then I went and had a nice lunch
and really focused on what I was eating and what I liked and didn’t like about
it. Then I went to a 1.5 hour message
and had the shit kicked out of me. I
needed it badly. Then I went to
target. Then headed home and wrote this
sorry excuse for a blog. I lost my way
somewhere in here didn’t I? Tomorrow’s
will be better. I think I have a
theme. In an hour I am going to get the
princess and I have a new dragon toy for her when she gets home b/c I spoil her
rotten =)
No comments:
Post a Comment