From the Shadow

You know what the first thing that happened to me on Friday morning was?  This is the day after one of the shittiest days I can remember in a long time, the day, I found out that I was just about diabetic. My toilet ran overethe.  That is right, I started my Friday morning after draining the old weasel with wave after wave of toilet water flowing out of my john.  Thank god, I had not dropped the kids off at the pool yet.  I had tossed some paper towels in the toilet the night before after I did some cleaning of my CPAP.  I am not sure why I just assumed they would flush, but they didn't.  I don't know how much water had flown out by the time I got my trusty plunger to removed the towels, but it is was a lot.  So, I mopped as much of it up with a towel that I could, then I did what I had gotten up to do, I walked.

It was a good walk too.  It was a powerful walk 3.2MPH and a 1.6 miles.  I was on my A game and I have a little giddy up in my step.  When I wanted to kick it to the next level I was able to do it without any trouble.  While I was walking I saw myself walking into and eventually from my shadow (picture) and for some reason that resinated with me.  For some reason as a child of KA, I felt like it meant something.

I kept thinking to myself I am coming from the shadows and if anyone in this world can make it through the badlands ahead it is the Kid.  After all how many other 400 pound plus Triathletes do you know.  I am guessing none.

I wasn't surprised when I actually looked at my text messages and by the time I woke up and finished walking on Friday morning I had two texts the first one was from Rachel and the second one was from my sister BB and what they both wanted to know is if I was ok.  Of course they did that is what family does after all is look out for each other.  I assured them that yes, I was ok, that I just had to purge the bad gunky.

Are you surprised that I had to purge the bad gunky?  At this point it shouldn't be a surprise.  That is what I have been trying to do for the last two years, share the cleansing of my soul with the world because this cleanse is one for the ages.

Through out the rest of the day yesterday and this morning I heard from several others who have always been in my corner and to this I saw thank ye big big!  I can't mention them all by name, I am not sure if they want me to or not, but the power of you kinds words made a good day great!

I will call out two though, I have too, Mom Alvina and Mary Rose, once upon a time we were one hell of a threesome weren't we.  Yes, I think it be true.  You two I will always remember that cold morning in San Francisco all those years ago when the three of us set out and did our first half marathon.  It was an adventure.  I had wanted to do a marathon before I was thirty and I did, and you guys helped me to the finish and I will never ever forget that.  I love you both so much.

To you Mom Alvina I say, of course I will keep on keeping on.  I am to dumb and obdurate to do anything else. I will do four miles tomorrow and it will never match the 13.1 we did at Avenue our 2nd half and yes we harassed everyone who came by us.  Remember when I told that guy I was high on coc and he almost fell over.  That was priceless.

To Mary Rose I say I here you very well.  I am tired of wasting time.  I am tired of being in my 30's and being scared I am dying. I have lots of soul searching to do, but the one thing that is clear to me and I mean crystal is that no matter what way I go, I am going to have to change my life forever.  This isn't a diet, that I am going on to lose a pound or to.  It isn't some fad I can just do for a bit and then fit into a bathing suit for summer.  No, no matter what I do, or decide to to, I have to go all in and put my chips in the pot and play the game to the end. Up until now, I have not wanted to do that. I thought I could get away with being mostly good and then cheating for a bit and keep seeing results.  Like I said earlier to Mom Alvina I am obdurate.  I am convinced that my way will do it.  That the occasional three double double two fries well form In and Out won't hurt me or the waist line.  That I can have it both ways.  However, really, I can't.  I am not sure why when I read your post this a.m. it resonated with me.  IT was like a flash of lightening cracking in my mind.

A few reasons, I am was always scared of surgery.  1.  It won't fix what is broken.  There is something broken inside of me.  There is a hole I can't fill, that I try to fill with food and pain.  There is something that makes want and need the dark.  It is that comfort of being sad.  I think it is time to figure out just what in the fuck that is.  Because when I go all in, I don't want to trade one issue for another. I have seen people do the GBPS and trade food for drugs or something else and I have watched it consume them.  So, maybe just maybe (Sue I am talking to you because I need you now more than ever) it is time to figure it out.  i have to do my part, and open up about it and show up to my appointments when I need them most, not when I don't need them.  That is all on me.  I know.  It is the same reason I am on a dating sight, that I hope she will come back, and that when there is nothing I go to the food.  It is because I am trying to fill that void.  Was it not enough love as a child, was it being the middle boy, was it I just was born with the wrong wiring.  What was it.  Do I already know and am just scared to say it.  Whatever it is now is the time to rip the band aid off and heal.  It is time to heal.  I think that is why I am here is to learn how to heal and help others learn how to heal.  I am not sure exactly what that means, but I know it is true.

The second reason I am afraid of getting the knife is b/c I wanted to avoid a tummy tuck and or any other type of plastic surgery.  It is spite that makes me not want to get this.  Someone once told me that no matter what I did when I lost weight I would have to get plastic surgery and ever since that day I have kicked and screamed trying not to face that.  Why, why does it bug me so much?  am I afraid my family will make fun of me?  Am I afraid that I will feel bad about myself because I had to do that?  It is because I think in the end, i really wish I could just be happy with who I am, because I am loved no matter what?  I don't know what it is, but I am realizing surgery or on my own, I am probably going to have some loose skin not matter what, after all I am damn near 40.  I ain't as young as I used to be and I have never been very stretchy.  And at this point no matter what when I loose weight isn't having a tummy tuck a good thing?  I mean really, that would mean I mad some pretty serious goals.  Maybe my fear of plasticing up as I refer to cosmetic surgery is making me not move forward in my life.

Third is some of the down sides I fear.  Loosing the muscle I have built up over the year when my body starts eating itself.  Well we could have that or diabetes.  The burning question is can I still be a triathlete and endurance athlete after surgery? I know is sounds dumb, but it is a real question.

I could go on forever, but that the other thing is does it kill my dream?  My dream for as long as I can remember is losing weight and showing the world that I am more than a bigger belly.  Does this somehow mean I cheated?  I don't know.  I really don't.  And does it matter?  HBP and Type 2 have to go.  So does it really matter how we get rid of them?  However, at the same time what am I if I am not a weight problem?  What is left when I don't have to worry every day about my weight and my size and my health. I honestly have no idea.  I really don't.  Because all I have ever known for as long as I can remember is needing to lose weight.  It is how identify myself.  Which is so fucked up.   Because we all know there is so much more to me than my weight.  I am a deep person.  I have a great imagination.  I am giving and loving.  So, interesting that this would cross my mind.  If I am not fat what am I.  If I am not broken and have something to fix what can I be?  How can I be it.  How awesome if instead of always worrying about saving my life, I ACTUALLY LIVED IT!  I like that.

All this is food for thought and things I will think about very seriously and very thoughtfully this weekend and over the next five months or so as I approach 40.  Because I can't have surgery until I loose another 50 lbs or so and no matter what that is my goal right now and we will do it.

No matter what I have to change no matter what I have to pass from behind the shadow in my mind and push forward and be the man I am supposed to be. I was not put on this earth to try and save my own life day after day, no, I don't think I was at all.  I have to come back from the shadow and fine my way.

I know my path.  I was just on it and I have to realize that there is no short term fix here.  I am playing a much longer game.  I am getting ready to read through some packets Chrissy gave me to start my new life.  I am going to plan what I am going to eat next week.  I plan on doing some great things over the next few weeks. I am gong to come up with a list of questions for Chrissy.

OMG I just keep thinking about that.  What am I if I am not a problem that has to be fixed.  I am a marathoner, a triathlete, I am a writer, I am a sales men, I am a friend, I am an uncle, I am a person with a beautiful smile, a winning heart (that is up for grabs), and loyal like ever dog you have ever met.  Now, I am also, bat shit crazy, have a temper, and hole I have tried to stuff with food and praise, but you know what no one is perfect.

I know I am more than my weight issue, as of right now I do.  That is powerful!

Wish my good luck on my 4 miles tomorrow and I pass from the Shadow and into my new life!

Worse not Better

I am Ka-Mai.  Lol, if you google KA Mai you will get a bunch of pictures of some half naked chick.  Perhaps that is fitting.  Maybe it is, but then again maybe it isn’t.    I spent a lot of time on the way up to the office trying to determine what the best title for this blog should be.

 I toyed with the notion of into “Borderline” However; I strongly feel that any that Blog titled Borderline would have to have some serious quotes from Madonna’s 1984 hit title of course Borderline.  However, this isn’t that type of blog and no one’s love is being pushed over the borderline here.  

Then I thought about titling it “Into the Borderline” however, this was quickly scrapped because I feel like a blog with a title kept making me think about going into the Bad Lands.  A blog of that nature should simply be about someone traveling on horseback into a desolate wasteland.  He is dressed head to toe in black, his face is covered by a black bandana and the only thing you can see is his cold dead eyes peering out from underneath his black sombrero.  Regardless of the man’s black glare all you can really look at is the large black hand-canon strapped to his left hip.  It’s a six shooter an old one, one from a time long forgotten.  However, again we are here to talk about mutant westerns or what exactly is currently happening in the badlands.  

So how do you title a blog to tell the world you are borderline diabetic?  Actually, you blood sugars are all but diabetic.  How do you tell people that you are failing?  I would love to say trying and failing, but sometimes I even question whether or not I am trying.  Question is 30 days on and two weeks off trying?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that just when my heart seemed to be shaping up again, the blood sugar issue decided to come front and center. 

Can I say that I am surprised?  No, I can’t.  I have been waiting for this, well since I learned that there was a Type 2 diabetes and that if you are fat you are at risk of it.  Lots of people just assume I am diabetic because of my size.  I had always been able to pride myself on the fact that I wasn’t and I could refute the charge.  Now though?  What now?  

It’s just another thing in a long series of things that have made July one shitty month and today just another shitty day.  It starts with an email that you wanted to get, but doesn’t say anything, typical.  Then you take your blood pressure and well you are trending up again on the bottom number and that means stroke, and not the good kind of stroking you do late at night, no not that at all.  

You want to go back to bed; you don’t want to leave the house.  You figure what is the point of any of it.  You are going to go to work, you’re going to work your ass off and you’re going to eat all the right foods and then what on the way home you are just going to blow it, and even if you don’t, either you heart is going to act up or your fucking blood sugar will.  What is the point?  

You walk every day and you have for 69 days straight.  It is hard and your legs hurt.  You are supposed to be training for a marathon but you are lucky to get to 3 mph consistently.  You start ask yourself, what is the point?  Why walk?  Why push, why hurt, because is any of it going to matter?  Can I actually change anything?

This will be fodder for those who believe Gastric Bypass is the only way.  They will tell you that it’s your last chance and your last option.  You don’t want to hear that right now but they will say it none the less.  They will point to the palpitations in your chest, the increased blood sugar, and the decreased testosterone and tell you that the knife is the only way to get your life back.  

Oh by the way, did I tell you that was another issue, apparently, I have low T levels, awesome!  If I didn’t have enough going for me already, no wonder I am such an emotional wreck most the time.  At least my doctor prescribed a specialist for that!  Awesome maybe he can give me a bottle of Viagra and at least while either a stroke or the diabetes takes me I can have one massive hard on.  What a way to go out I say.  

Then why not, l am putting it all out there why not shoot the moon.  I join one of those dating sites.  Why not right, I am a single guy I was feeling pretty good about myself and getting my life back after the challenge.  So, I join one.  I get contacted by this really hot chick and I was skeptical, b/c as many times as people say it isn’t how you look and people will love you for who you are, it doesn’t work that way.  They see a big dude on there and 99% of the women go running.  So, I should have been more skeptical when this chick reached out to me and we moved through all the phases fast and she wanted my email address to chat.  I was like why not what do I have to loose.  So I am chatting with her online via yahoo messenger and she starts telling me about this friend of hers who need surgery and she just can’t afford it and could I possible help her out with that, blah blah blah.  I couldn’t even get solicited by a prostitute on their nope, but rather a scam artist.  That is fucking awesome.  It makes me feel good to be me.  

I feel the black creeping in.  It’s on the edge of my mind.  I feel it coming for me.   I can’t lie this shit really depresses me, all of it.  I was hoping for a much different reading of my blood after living most of my life for the last 9 months Paleo.  I was hoping that even though I was fat I was still a healthy viral man, which apparently I am not.  The dating site thing, well isn’t that just another in a long list of things that makes me realize that I am Ka-mai, not that hot prostitute that shows up when you google those words but rather Destiny’s fool.  I mean I wonder sometimes if people just laugh at my ridiculousness.  Do they just take me as the joke I am turning out to be?

So that is my day today.  That is how I feel and I wonder can it get any worse?  Can it?

I don’t want to give up on my dream because after all, my dream is all I have.  However, maybe it is a joke that I ever thought one day I would actually get my shit together and start eating right, that I would have that AHA moment.  The one where you realized life is great and it is all worth living and you wake up and don’t want to crave French fries and pizza anymore.  Yet the AHA moment never comes and it never will.  Life doesn’t work that way.  It isn’t a movie, or a book, or a blog, or like on TV.  

I want to scream.  I want to rant, I want to rave.  Then I just sit here and think how pathetic all of this must sound because after all am I not the one who did all this?  Did I not live hard?  Yes, I lived hard.  I am have been 350 pounds plus for the better part of the last ten years.  Instead of living like rock star and having booze benders and two blondes at once for a three way.  I ate and have more than one three way with a pint of Ben and Jerrys and a bag of BBQ Lays.  I couldn’t even get the living on the wild side right.  

And that is my day today.  

How bad do I want to focus on what the doctor said, three months, let’s retest in three months, keep doing Paleo and exercising, you doing the right things he says.  He basically said keep on doing it.  However, I can’t seem to grasp that right now because I am in self-destruct mode, I am in let’s leave the office and hit McDonald’s drive thru on the way home mode.  I am in who gives a shit mode.  I am in the, I have fallen too far to get back up mode.  

However, there is a long car ride home.  A Stephen King novel on my phone to listen too, there is a nutrionist who believes in me, and there is the kid who lives in side of me who never wants to give up.  Fuck them all, we will show them, is what that kids is screaming from inside.  He says not like this, not likes this because inside you know you are a fighter.  You know that no matter how far you have fallen you will never give up.  

I know somewhere in the back of my head that, that kid is right.  I just can’t see it through the black.  However, the more you think about the kid in the green shirt and the boy by the statute.  The more the pain seems to fade into the far reaches of your mind.  You know King will help, he always helps.  You know the walk in the a.m. and pushing 69 to 70 tomorrow morning will help.  You know like every day when you wake up that, that is the first day in the rest of your life.  That keeps you going.  That will keep you out of the drive through tonight.  That will help you make paleo decisions tonight.  

Darkness can’t last forever.  It never does and there is always tomorrow and these things shall pass and if Dr.  Oba believes we can right the ship, then why shouldn’t I?  After all if you can believe and conceive, then can you not achieve?  Perhaps this is my Aha Moment.  Perhaps this could be my dare to be great moment?  I mean isn’t this one blog embarrassing enough to motivate, or maybe, I am tired of trying to have reasons to get off my ass and go.  Maybe the answer isn’t in an email or an embrace or in love or in anything else. Maybe the answer is simply; keep on keeping on and what will be will be.  Even though you’re on the border line that doesn’t mean you have crossed it.  Maybe a smile could do more for your mood than you think.  Maybe this is all part of the heroes trial that is your life and your story.  Maybe, and tomorrow is another day. 

Matters of the Heart VI: The Holter Incident

I never thought I would look down my chest and see wires popping out of me.  I am probably the biggest star wars nerd you know and still it never once had occurred to me tot C3PO up and that is probably why I am feeling as low as I am right now.  I am all wired up (See above) and I have wires popping out of my shirt (See below):

I am strapped up to a Holter Monitor because last Friday I started to have heart palpitations while I was sitting around working and writing.  They just start who know why, but they continued most of Friday night and all of Saturday.  Saturday was probably the worst, I think, although that could have been Monday night, because that was pretty bad too.

Saturday was like the mamba going on in my chest.  I would be sitting there normal on the couch watching some parks and rec and the next thing I knew it was party!  I was sitting on the couch, I checked my fitbit for heart rate and I shit you not, it was up to 145.  I took my BP after that and my BP was actually under control.  I thought lying down on Saturday would help, but honestly it only made it worse.  It has been a long long time since I had a true AFIB issue, and I was hoping that this latest round was the stress.  So, I tried to ignore it.  However, on my 45 minute walk Saturday, I felt like I was trapped in molasses.  I had not giddy up in my step at all and it felt like I was standing still.    The worst part is my breath was laboring and I could feel myself working way to hard for very little reward.  I contented myself with the fact that I had finished and isn't that all I could hope for is finishing the walk?

Sunday, things were better.  Maybe it was because I kept myself busy all day shopping and cooking.  I had very little issue Sunday until I laid down for bed and I will be damned if the drums didn't kick in soon as I laid down.  I knew I should have called the doctor then, but I am stubborn and I thought it would pass and Monday would be a new day!

Monday was a new day, but the I had symptoms all day.  It was stressful at work and things went worse before they got better and al day long I felt like I had my very own built in Conga drums keeping my company.  However, knowing it was stress, and how much pressure I have put myself under, I just ignored it.  Oh ya, and it didn't help that this dumbass (me), didn't take my blood pressure meds on Monday morning, and did I mention like a real dumbass I did the same thing on Saturday.  Ya, i am that guy.  So I came home from work took some pills on Monday and sat in my office till it got dark working on a story and trying to impress a girl.  Neither really worked the way i wanted it to.  By the time bed rolled around Monday I was exhausted.  I mean my body just had nothing left in it.  I laid down at 9 and the drums started again and they didn't stop till almost 1 a.m.

what makes the issues of Monday even worse are the following.  I am still trying to tell myself this didn't happen.  I was laying in bed listening to the drums of my chest go on and on and it was dark, and I was watching the Hannibal trailer for the end of season 3, I don't know anything about the show, but they said they were introducing the red dragon and I know a little about the hannibal world and I know he is a key character and people were raving about it.  So I watched it.  And..... I didn't get it.  But have to admit I was intrigued a little bit.  Plus the guy playing the red dragon who was robin hoods brother on the bbc show, the lead dwarf in the hobbit, and the guy who blows up captain america's lab after captain america is made and I root for him as an actor.  So, after watching I decided I have to make pp and I get up and, and holy fuck, I can't see out of my left eye.  The site was gone, 100% darkness until, I walked into the light of the bathroom and every thing seemed to be right as rain again.  As if nothing was ever wrong.  I walked back into the dark and again couldn't see.  Walked into the light and i could.  then walked back to bed not seeing turned on my phone and I could see again.  Something very strange was going on.  I marvel at how calm I was.  In that moment.    When I should have been loosing my shit and calling 911.  I just rolled with it.   I fell asleep and lived to die another day.

Tuesday was a better day, but I had been stupid long enough and called the doctor and told them I was having symptoms and that I needed to come in.  A few hours later they told me to come in for the Holter Monitor.  I said ok, not knowing exactly what I was signing up for and just wishing they would have me in for BP work and an eKG, tell me I am fine and just let me go about my business.  But no, i have to this holster thing?  Halter?  Hotter, ya that is the one.  The lady asked me if I was having any pain and I wish she wouldn't have asked that because as soon as she asked, and when I went walking that night, I had chest pain.  not before the walk and not after the walk, but on it.  I am chalking that one up to anxiety and stress but I guess only the holder will tell the truth.

So came hump day, I slept in a little bit, tried to talk a friend into skipping work, they didn't, and i went for a walk, and it was a good walk, 3 mph walk and I felt pretty good on it.  It was the first time I wasn't completely exhausted during a walk.  I started having visions of the person I wanted to be dancing in my head.  I also ran my walking streak up to 59 days.  Then I showered and went to the doctor.

The office was empty so that old feeling of shame that normally washes over me when it is me and the old folks didn't come on this time around.  That came later.  I didn't wait long until Gretchen the nurse got me.  Took in the back and told me to take my shirt off.  This was followed by her shaving my chest.  Yes, she shaved part of my chest to put some electrodes on that.  Ian trying to understand why she didn't just ask me to shave it before I came in I will never know, bc I would have.  I would have shaved the burly belly and boobs down, yes, I would have.  Instead the bitch dry shaved me, right there in the doctors office.  She did three little patches and the hair fell all over my short and it looked like I was rocking out with my pubes out... it was a little disturbing actually.

Then she hooked me up to the Holter Monitor.  I asked her to check my blood pressure.  using the tiniest cuff I ever had scene.  The thing started to pop off as she pumped it up.  She then told my BP was 150/110 and was like so you need anything else.  I was like ya, I need understand why my fucking blood pressure is so high.  I told her I thought the cuff was to small b/c my BP hadn't been that high the last two day.  I was also like at that level should't you be sending me to the hospital if not the morgue?  She said she'd go ask the doctor, she did.  She said it was the cuff and the big cuff was broken, so they couldn't take my BP.  I think I really want to find a cardiologist I like and one that isn't a shit show like that.  I was pretty angry but also feeling really low when I left the doctors office.   I walked out with wires hanging out from under my shirt.  I was sad.

I kept thinking on June 20th I felt like a champ.  Was feeling better than I had in years and while yes I have regressed and eaten worse than I wanted to over the last three weeks have I really gone to hell.  Could I really have killed myself in 3 weeks.   I didn't know.

What I did know is I wanted to EAT.  I did.  I won't lie.  I want to go binge.  I wanted to house about three cheese burgers, b/c in my mind the battle had been lost.  I had decided I fucked my heart up and there is no coming back from this.   all of this, this blog, all this fighting is for not b/c i can't do it.  I can't change it, I can't.  I have spent most of the last two days fighting back tears, neglecting my job, and asking myself how did I fall so far.  Why can't I pick myself back up.  I wanted to go to mcdonalds and get the double QPC meal b/c it didn't matter, I would have that with a  side of big mac and double cheese burger.  I would go to in and out and get 3 double double and two fries well.  I would go to give guys and get to doubles, I would go to taco bell and eat that fucking stuffed nacho burrito.

I didn't though.  I went to Subway, i know still not the best choice, but the best of many bad shit choices and had the italian.  I wish I wouldn't have had it, b/c of the bread.  Should have just tossed the bread.  Anyway, better choice than the alternative I guess.

I also realize I am not giving up.  I am just in a rut.  I am getting my blood work done tomorrow at 9:30.  I don't believe there isn't time to still get better.  I can't believe that.  I will deal with whatever is wrong this time around and get better.  That is what I keep doing.  I hope this holter test comes back saying I am nuttier than a fruit cake or something. only 21 hours and 11 minutes left to testing....  I am assuming if the doctor wants to see me after that then he will let me know otherwise I will see him on the 10th of August.

Btw I have learned what a hotter test is.  It is basically a EKG you were for 24 hours, so it can detect the reasons why you have palpitations  or other heats issues.  hopefully, it will tell me I am crazy b/c I am trying.  I am better than I was in November and December and I want to keep fighting!

Rogue Challenge - Day 21 - Kid in the Candy Store

We have heard the idiom “To be a kid in a candy story” which means to be very happy and excited about the things around you, and often to react to them in a way which is silly and not controlled You should have seen him when they arrived. He was like a kid in a candy store. 

And little to nothing explains my behavior last night at the San Jose Giants game.  I mean after all it was Star Wars night and who is a bigger fan than me.  For once I am not even trying to make a fat joke.

Leia and me…

I have to admit, I didn’t want to go last night.  I was tired, a little grumpy, and basically lost in a project that I didn’t want to leave behind, because I somehow knew it would be a while before I picked it back up.  Plus, honestly, I have not been feeling so great lately. I know why, and I know what to do to pick my spirits back up and to make my body feel whole again.

However, when El Beav showed up, I got moving and heading out.  The night started off with mischief right off the bat.  That came in the form El Beav suggesting we park in Sharks Ice and sneak over into the baseballs stadium so we didn’t have to pay for parking.  However, I didn’t know or realize that if you pull into sharks ice, you can literally just drive into the back of SJ Giants parking lot and park for free.  Therefore, avoiding risk of being toed and not paying for parking.  I did this without realizing I was doing it.  However, I just chalked it up the do dark side inside of me and let it ride.  Of course half way across the parking lot, I realized, I forgot my jacket, so I had to go back and get it.  Then I walked back to El Beav when I broke out laughing.  He was like what, I just tuned and walked back to the car where I had forgotten my glasses.  When I got back he said you really don’t want to go to the game do you, but at this point I really kind of did. Something about breaking the rules sets this one off. 

Upon entering the stadium I ran into one of my first crushes if not my first.  Princess Leia.  So, I had to take the opportunity to get my photo taken with her.  

Shortly after that we bid on a few jersey's for some charity, I didn't even know about and cared less about.  I just wanted a jersey that looked like storm trooper because in my mind that is pretty fucking cool.

The Jabba Burger:

After wondering the stadium and finding Rachel working the beer bar and saying hi, El Beav and were off to find BBQ.  The San Jose Giants have a really nice BBQ place called Turkey Mike's.  However, last night in Star Wars fashion it was called Tatooine's Mikes and the menu was full with star wars puns.  There was the Darth Heater which was a hot link topped with brisket or something like this and then the Jabba Burger and that was a double cheeseburger that was topped with Pulled Pork.  Now, I have eaten a burger or two in my day, but I have never had a pulled pork double burger, one thing I can say about that Jabba is not only does he know how to dress his slave women, but he also knows how to eat a burger.  It was good.  Well honestly, the pulled pork was awesome and when the burger had pulled pork on it, it was awesome, but the burger alone, not so good.  Turkey Mike's you should fix that.  Its called real meat, not process patties.

Going Shopping for Star Wars Goodies:

As El Beav and I sat in the Tatooine Mike's Cantina we started to see fully dressed star wars peeps going and coming by.  We saw a Tie Fight Pilot.  We saw some Fett's, which are really Mandalorian's in battle armor, but most people know them as the Fett's Boba and his pop's Jango.  However, we also noticed people walking around in some sweet fucking star wars socks and I said to El Bear we should going shopping.  So we started walking around to find socks or other star wars gear.  This lead us to a SJ Giants gift shop and I will be damned if I didn't find me some storm trooper socks!  Nice!

The Rise of Jumbo Fett:

I just told you about Boba and Jango Fett.  I have always said, and yet, this is true.  I have always said if I was a Fett, I would be Jumbo Fett and last night I got an opportunity to talk it over with these two Fett's below.  The Fett to my left in the pick and the right fore the reader was told about my idea of having a Fett my size named Jumbo Fett and he loved it! He told me that was a great name. So you see it here first on my blog, so when JJ abrams and company steal that name, you know where it came from!

These aren't the droids you are looking for:

In case you haven't noticed I was walking around dressed like batman with an R2D2 hat on that had Mickey ears.  I was commercialized america last night and I could have cared less.  I wore batman to be ironic.  Next time I am going to get a batman mask and maybe a cap and just tell everyone I thought I was at a costume party.

However, I finally got my chance to take picture with a Dark Lord of the Sith and a storm trooper.  Of course El Beav yelled at me b/c I cut in front of a kid. I really didn't see them, I was to transfixed on Vader.  It is at this point I knew I was pretty much in heaven.

I was standing there and I asked Vader if he would take a picture with the Batman.  He said of course.  So I walked over and I tried to cut the storm trooper out, he is a little short after all for a storm trooper.

As I am standing there Vader tells me, I used to own a droid like that, to which I giggle and almost corrected him, because he never actually owned R2D2 his secret wife did, but I also didn't feel like getting choked out.  However what I did tell Vader and his mini storm trooper was these aren't the droids he was looking for.  Yes, I held witty banter with the evilest mother fucker in the galaxy.  Vader actually giggled a little bit.  Ya, I am that fucking funny, I can make sith laugh.

Gigante...


He is the mascot for the SJ Giants.  I think he is a dumb mascot. I took the picture to make a friend laugh, b/c they know the person who dresses up like them.  But anyway, I can rock n roll with anyone so I did.

Batman vs Superman -  f the dawn of justice

That is right I found super man last night... So i stood up to this man of steel.

Then I kicked his ass!  Who needs a DC movie when I can just work super man over right here in San Jose.  I won the fight just like in the comic books Batman beats Superman, of course I didn't need a super iron man like suite laced with kryptonite and Green Arrow hitting him with a kryptonite arrow, I just punched him in the face b/c I am a bad ass....

Winning a jersey and field level:

I won the auction on the #2 jersey i put money down on.  I paid 101 dollars for an authentic jersey.  or so I thought b/c right after I got my jersey and walked off I saw someone else wearing a #2 jersey.  I have to admit I was a little fluster by that especially since they just handed me a certificate of authenticity.  I walk off and see someone else in my jersey.  So, I walked over and asked Leia wth.  How could this be?  She didn't know but put me in touch with this other lady.  The other lady explained that not all jersey's were worn by players and some numbers got doubled ordered and something something something.  I just said can I get my free tickets for the mickey ears and she said yes.  However, as she handed me free game tickets for wearing my star wars stuff she also gave me two free tickets to BBQ at Turkey Mike's.  I can't even begin to tell you how much my opinion of this women changed when she gave me free BBQ.  She suddenly became a real MILF and I noticed the nice sexy boots she was wearing.  I am not sure if this makes me a bad person and I don't really care, what I do know give free BBQ and your stock goes way up in my mind.

Part of winning the jersey was after the game you got to go on the field and get your jersey from your player.  Well my player didn't exist and the other person wearing the number to was actually working the kids jump house and I really didn't want his jersey.  So, just enjoyed field level, while El Beav waited and waited to the very end to get his Jersey from his player, and get it autographed.  The hope of course was that some day he would become famous and it would be worth something to El Beav, but the best part of that was his person turned out to be  coach.  We waited until almost midnight to get this fucking jersey signed and it was by a coached... I think this was all bad JuJu for stealing parking and beating down superman... but oh well...  all in all what a cooling night...

mostly, and I know this might sound dumb it was my first friday out since August 2, 2013 an unforgettable night in its own right, I drank and danced and well probably got drunker than any other time in my 30's....  the point was it felt good to be out in the world and not hiding at home.  It felt good to have plans and actually do something.  I have been a hermit for so long because of my weight.  Have to remember that next time I decided to take two weeks off my diet plan that I am fighting for something called my life... I am almost 40 and I felt like a kid last night and I felt great and I have so much living still to do... I just have to remember and focus on getting better!!!!