And so it ends....

Since September of last year, I have been trying to find the words to say goodbye.   These things take a while sometimes.  I was thinking I needed to end with a bang.  Three wonderful life altering entries into my blog that would astound and amaze.  Writing that where so good that life would change on the turn of a dime.  Life doesn't work that way, there is no silver bullet that will fix all.  

The truth is I stopped The Buddy System a long time ago.  When I realized life was about making me happy, not others.  That my goals needed to match my dreams not others.  People’s opinions, views, and judgements of you don’t matter, what makes you happy does.  What matters, what truly matters, is when you are standing at the base of your Dark Tower you can look at it, and you can say I did it my way, I did it the best I could, and I am satisfied with my how my life turned out.  That you have told people to keep their mouths shut and keep their fucking opinions to themselves. 

I didn’t know how much I had grown.  I didn’t let myself see it.  I was to focused on thinking I was a number on the scale, and not a person.  When I started this, I really thought my weight defined me.  My weight doesn’t mean shit.  It is a number.  I am more than a weight problem; I am a person.   I am Billy fucking b and I am awesome.

So, I am going.  This is it, this is the end to the buddy system, the girl I used know and loved is gone and the need to please others is as well.  So, now it is time to focus, really focus on getting healthy and letting go of everything and facing life, my fear, and everything else that I have stayed away from.  This is the last good-bye I swear.  The reasons I started this are gone, so the updates trying to make myself feel better about it are going too. 

I am not done writing.  There will be other blogs.  There will be other things coming from my fingertips but you dear reader that is for you to fine.  There are hints if you want to read Billy b, you can find him.

About a Girl...

"I need an easy friend
I do, with an ear to lend
I don't think you fit this shoe
I do, won't you have a clue

I'll take advantage while
You hang me out to dry
But I can't see you every night"

- About a Girl, Nirvana



Here is the sad sick truth about his blog, I started it for a girl.  This whole thing has been about a girl.  Hoping by some hope that she would see that I was worthy of her.  I thought if I could document the changes I was willing to go through for her, then perhaps maybe, just maybe she would would love me the way I loved her.  So much has changed since I sat down and wrote a blog called "So it begins..."  That was 2013 it was another life, another time, it all seems like a distant memory or a dream.  

I would be lying if I said I don't still dream about that girl.  Sometimes the dreams are so intense and so real and then you wake up.  The dreams are always good, it is the waking up that is hard.  Then you by the time you get out of bed and let the dog out they fade into back of your mind and wait for another dream to come along to remind you.  The things we do for love, one of my favorite Game of Thrones charactors said moments before he pushed a little boy out of a tower window.  He tried to kill a little boy and I tried to write my way into the heart.  Hell, I have done worse that that trying to win the favor of a women.  I miss her smile, I miss her trash talking, but the world moves on.  

It started out for a girl, but it turned into something so much more important for me.  I think most of life's journines are like that aren't they.  They start out going right and then they swing back to the left.  I would not trade what this adventure had been for me. It was an unguided trip down the rabbit hole.  Where I touched some of the deepest and darkest places of my mind.  

5 to 6 years is a life time.  So many things change.  I didn't get what I wanted out of why I started this blog.  I have no idea where that girl is, at some point in time you have to let things go.  So, I didn't get the girl.  I also didn't get to my goal of losing weight.  However, I found so much more.  

I am not the boy I was when I started this journey.  My head space is so much better.  I have faced the voices that dance in my head.   I have found something much more important that what I started out wanting and looking for.  Something that will help me take the next step...  I think it is good to explore the origins of the things we do and the decisions we make.  Perhaps when you can look at things objectively you can move on from them and now face the real challenges and obstacles we face.

The truth is none of this was really every about a girl.  Not that I didn't love this girl and still do.  The issues that I talked about in this blog where all direct reflections on myself.  This was really never about anyone but me. Still struggling with the same issues I was when I first arrived in California.  I think some of our demons we never really our run.  We just find better ways to deal with them.

the good and the bad

An interesting fact I have learned is that if you are going to stop binge eating, you first must stop dieting.  Mind blowing concept isn't it.  I stopped dieting in September 2019, I started reading a book called Intuitive Eating and working with a dietician who didn't believe in diets and a therapist that supported Inutive Eating as well.  It was magically having people telling you could have the bad food in the house.  

Well, I suppose that there is real misconception there because there is not good or bad food after all there is only food.  Sure some foods will have different impact on your body but in most things we put in our body there is some piece of nutritional value in it.  I am not a scientist, I am not dietician so i could be wrong, but really what is important is to understand that we can eat whatever we want.  We can be healthy at any size, and more importantly we don't have to be a prisoner and a slave to diets, ideal images, or any of that other bullshit in the modern world.

The best part of calling food, all food, just food is I no longer binge.  I am not sure if anyone understands how huge of an accomplishment that is or not.  I can drive home from work and not fit with myself the entire time on if I am going to stop at In and Out or not, because I am not.  I don't struggle and notice McDonald's and want to got there each time I get off the exit to my house.

However, to sit here and say the last 9 months have been all shits and giggles would be to tell you a lie.  As part of allowing all foods in my house, I started to buy things like breads, ice creams, and  chips on the regular.  I worked them into my every day diet.  I think I had at least two Italian Ices (total 180 calories in both) each night for October, November, and December.  It was controlled.  I didn't get them both out and sit down at once and hog them down.  It was not a binge but it was not good.  Chips would last in my house 2 weeks after opening.  That is amazing. It wasn't like I opened them and had to eat them all b/c I had to get them out of the house or my diet would be ruined.  For Xmas dinner I ate chex mix, the candy kind that my mom had sent me, I ate that for dinner for like three nights in a row.  It was poor choices but not a binge.

Maybe because of this, my age, or even family history in January my blood sugar went out of whack.  I knew there was something not right with my body.  I was tired all of the time.  I had headaches.  I just felt bad.  I had my blood tested at the end of January, and the results were bad.  My A1C was over 7 and the diagnosis I had dreaded became a reality.  Was it the sugar?  Was it the Hastings Blood?  Was it some combination of both?  Who knows.  It doesn't really matter.

I have continued on the Intuitive Path and lost 30 pounds since my diagnosis.  That's ok, but I struggle with portion sizes and control.  I have good days and bad days, and the most fucked up thing I think I have learned is that it is about 95% mental.

The most important thing you can do for yourself to get your health right and back on track is to get your mind right.  Give yourself self compassion and self love.  It is also the hardest thing to do.  Especially, if you have an inner voice that is negative and on your ass all the time.  For 43 years I have talked to myself poorly.  I am working really hard trying to change the inner dialog.  Why else would I be going to a therapy session on a holiday?   Same reason I have a life coach now.  Same reason I don't let the office dictate my life anymore.

I still struggle... mostly with loneliness and boredom.  I am working on answers for that.  One thing is to pick blogging back up.  That will be helpful. Stupid Blogger App doesn't exist anymore and that was my favorite.  Anyway it doesn't matter, I have a new laptop that should help.

My currently plan on food is to use all tools I have on my tool belt.  Find the ones I can work with the best.  The number 1 being my therapy and my mind work.  Fix the mind, the body will follow