It all went fubar… just like that. I was in control. I was constant and steady,
and like a flip of a switch the world turned upside down and before I could
even say my name, the black was descending on me faster than a blink of my
eye. That is what living with the black
dread is like. That is what can happen
in a blink of an eye, the read of an email, the call of a phone, the wind
changing from south to north, the sun rising or setting. I can’t tell when it is going to happen. I can’t tell why it is going to happen. I can
only tell you that it can happen, normal one minute, the next a train wreck of
anger and sorrow. The worst is I can’t
hide it from the world. I just can’t. My
emotions are worn on my sleeves.
Whatever is happening on the inside is the duplicate on the
outside. I have not poker face. People can read my body language from across
the state; they can feel my vibe across the Ethereal Plane. It is as it has always been my whole life,
once this happens people assume they know why.
That my reasons are as transparent as my state of being and this is not always
the case. I also know because I radiate
this blackness and poisoning of my sole that it is best to remove myself from
any situation to go away and sit alone and let the black pass as it always does. However, sometimes there are
obligations. Sometimes you have to be
somewhere at some time, but is being there better than not being there when you
have no control over your state of being?
I don’t know. I really don’t. I know that as soon as I possibly could I
made a break for the exit and to my car. I drove home; it was a short drive,
which was awesome. I was greeted by
Shiner who is always so happy I am home.
She makes me feel so loved. I took her outside. I enjoyed the smell of the rain that had just
fallen. She did her business. I took in the back yard and the darkness of night. I went inside. I turned on the Spartans, I am Izzo fan after
and this mainly b/c the Boy is one. I
went to the fridge; I warmed up the chili I had made over the weekend. I measured ¼ cup of sharp shredded
Tillamook. Love thy Loaf as they
say. Counted out 12 saltines and logged
my points. I sat down took a bite, set
the spoon down, had a drink, so on and so forth. I logged into the laptop and I searched for
theater style home seating. Which is way
too expensive to get but is nice to look at all the same and let the feeling of
Ka-Mai just fade away. I answered some
texts from some concerned friends. I
watched basketball and searched for seats.
I got a call from the Beav and I helped him with a revenue
questions. Good, I will miss 97-2 it
really is the one thing in life I had a firm mastery of. Got a text from Sunny d and he said he was
coming for a visit, wanted to finally see the new place, which I knew what he
wanted, he wanted to check on me. It is
great to have friends. It really
is. He stopped over. I gave him the tour. We held long palaver. I won’t lie as he was here my mind shifted
towards the stuff. Towards what used to
be comfort. Maybe a pint of B&J’s or
a bag of chips, but I pushed these away and focused on the palaver at
hand. Then my buddy said it was time to
go home and I understood this b/c I thought it was almost time to go to
bed. He stepped out of the door and I
can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something to the extent of don’t
got to McDonald’s and I smiled and said I won’t. To be honest to the point I hadn’t really
thought about it. I told him I had eaten
what I cooked and counted my points and that I was good to go. He said he half expected to find me 5 big
macs in and I was like no, not this time.
Not this time. He left. I went to
the fridge and I got out my cut up melon.
I ate it. I watched Parks and
Rec. I took the puppy to the potty and
we went to bed and this a.m. I got up, I made coffee, I cooked my breakfast and
I sat and I ate it while talking to the dog.
I waited for the plumber to come, then the lawn guy came and I worked
and now on my lunch break I scribe. I
won’t over think what it means other than to say after losing in the afternoon,
I ended up winning the night and the day.
Things to take away set up an appointment with the Doctor. I need to reprogram my brain and find the silver
linings in things, I need to be able to focus on the positive and put away the
black. I know I have a lot of work to
do. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I won’t
overcome my demons in one night.
However, I think we have progress and with progress there is hope and
like always I am way too stupid to lie down and quit, so I will just keep getting
up and trying it again and again until I get where I need to go.
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