A True Success…

It all went fubar… just like that.  I was in control. I was constant and steady, and like a flip of a switch the world turned upside down and before I could even say my name, the black was descending on me faster than a blink of my eye.  That is what living with the black dread is like.  That is what can happen in a blink of an eye, the read of an email, the call of a phone, the wind changing from south to north, the sun rising or setting.  I can’t tell when it is going to happen.  I can’t tell why it is going to happen. I can only tell you that it can happen, normal one minute, the next a train wreck of anger and sorrow.  The worst is I can’t hide it from the world.  I just can’t. My emotions are worn on my sleeves.  Whatever is happening on the inside is the duplicate on the outside.  I have not poker face.  People can read my body language from across the state; they can feel my vibe across the Ethereal Plane.  It is as it has always been my whole life, once this happens people assume they know why.  That my reasons are as transparent as my state of being and this is not always the case.  I also know because I radiate this blackness and poisoning of my sole that it is best to remove myself from any situation to go away and sit alone and let the black pass as it always does.  However, sometimes there are obligations.  Sometimes you have to be somewhere at some time, but is being there better than not being there when you have no control over your state of being?  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I know that as soon as I possibly could I made a break for the exit and to my car. I drove home; it was a short drive, which was awesome.  I was greeted by Shiner who is always so happy I am home.  She makes me feel so loved.   I took her outside.  I enjoyed the smell of the rain that had just fallen.  She did her business.  I took in the back yard and the darkness of night.  I went inside.  I turned on the Spartans, I am Izzo fan after and this mainly b/c the Boy is one.  I went to the fridge; I warmed up the chili I had made over the weekend.  I measured ¼ cup of sharp shredded Tillamook.  Love thy Loaf as they say.  Counted out 12 saltines and logged my points.  I sat down took a bite, set the spoon down, had a drink, so on and so forth.  I logged into the laptop and I searched for theater style home seating.  Which is way too expensive to get but is nice to look at all the same and let the feeling of Ka-Mai just fade away.  I answered some texts from some concerned friends.  I watched basketball and searched for seats.  I got a call from the Beav and I helped him with a revenue questions.  Good, I will miss 97-2 it really is the one thing in life I had a firm mastery of.  Got a text from Sunny d and he said he was coming for a visit, wanted to finally see the new place, which I knew what he wanted, he wanted to check on me.  It is great to have friends.  It really is.  He stopped over.  I gave him the tour.  We held long palaver.  I won’t lie as he was here my mind shifted towards the stuff.  Towards what used to be comfort.  Maybe a pint of B&J’s or a bag of chips, but I pushed these away and focused on the palaver at hand.  Then my buddy said it was time to go home and I understood this b/c I thought it was almost time to go to bed.  He stepped out of the door and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something to the extent of don’t got to McDonald’s and I smiled and said I won’t.  To be honest to the point I hadn’t really thought about it.  I told him I had eaten what I cooked and counted my points and that I was good to go.  He said he half expected to find me 5 big macs in and I was like no, not this time.  Not this time. He left.  I went to the fridge and I got out my cut up melon.  I ate it.  I watched Parks and Rec.  I took the puppy to the potty and we went to bed and this a.m. I got up, I made coffee, I cooked my breakfast and I sat and I ate it while talking to the dog.  I waited for the plumber to come, then the lawn guy came and I worked and now on my lunch break I scribe.  I won’t over think what it means other than to say after losing in the afternoon, I ended up winning the night and the day.  Things to take away set up an appointment with the Doctor.  I need to reprogram my brain and find the silver linings in things, I need to be able to focus on the positive and put away the black.  I know I have a lot of work to do.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and I won’t overcome my demons in one night.  However, I think we have progress and with progress there is hope and like always I am way too stupid to lie down and quit, so I will just keep getting up and trying it again and again until I get where I need to go. 

A long time in the making...

For the longest time I have had this vision in my head about what normal people do each morning before they go to work.  I have this insane sitcom like vision in my head that the family all sits down around a breakfast table and has time to read the morning paper, eat breakfast, walk the dog, etc... etc... However, for the last 17 years I have been waiting to have one of these normal mornings.  One in which I didn't sleep till the very last minute.  One where I wasn't running out the door with my oh shit face on, saying if I don't speed I am gonna be late again.  Part of me thinks the sitcom breakfast is a figment of my imagination.  I mean after all i don't recall even having it growing up.  Now I think the chaos that took place when their were four children growing up together with very distinct schedules somehow tarnished this.  See how we all had our own agenda, whether is sports related, school related, or just plane loving to sleep and not caring if I ate breakfast or not and waiting to the last possible moment to jump in the shower and then pull on some sweat pants and head to school.  Yes, my senior of high school yes I went all George Costanza and gave up and wore sweat gear to school for like 40 some straight days.  Man, I loved me some sweat gear.  I had an all purple sweat gear outfit and I rolled around looking at all Grimace and I was proud of that.

I digress of course.  That is just what I seem to do these days.  Go down a never ending path to now where. This morning I had what I think was as close as I might ever come to the sitcom breakfast. Mainly, because I got up and cooked breakfast and sat down and ate it looking at a picture my buddy the Beav hung for me this weekend. I also walked the dog and took her out to potty. I even had time to clean up after myself once I was done cooking.  OK, so that is a stretch I wiped up the counter and put the pans in the sink. Better than not doing anything with them I guess. 

I think the point of all this nonsensical rant is that I had time to make breakfast this a.m. and then drive into the office.  My breakfast was about 25% of my intake for the day.  So that over three meals and snack is not to shabby.   I was at work right at 9, and it only took me 12 minutes to get here.  There was no stress.  I was not rushed.  I was well pretty relaxed and not worried about the commute.  That was a good thing.  A real good thing, or so i think!  Also spent time yesterday cooking.  Made me some chili and pulled pork.  So the new week is off to a good start.  Or it was until I bit into one of my sandwiches and sprayed my self with egg yolk.  Shiner got a kick out of that trying to clean the mess off me b/c I did the eggs over easy which I have become pretty good at and without thinking i just bit in and explosion and egg every where. 

Shiner came to visit for a week.  I think she is adapting to the new place.  However, she scared the living shit out of me last night.  When I took her out back to make pp at 2 a.m. and the second she stepped out the back door she growled and all the hair on her back stood up.  I was like oh know there is a fucking boogen out their.  She then proceeded to go over and make potty and come back in.  I locked up quickly and turned the alarm back on.  However, when we got up this a.m. for the morning meal I saw what she was freaking about.  There was not one but two cats in my back yard this a.m. and she all but begged me to let her out to get them. I did not... b/c first i think the cats would totally kick Shiner's but!  And in off chance she got one of them, I didn't want cat scattered across my back yard. 

Shiner on her first visit to Livermore:

Billy b looks at 41...

Billy b looks at 41…

I don’t know where forty went.  It was a blink of the eye.  It was here then it was gone.  I can’t say forty was bad.  However, I can’t really say it was good either.  Forty was just forty.  I failed to have that life altering aha moment.  You know the magic movie moment when you are faced with the opportunity to be great and you rallied by those around you and stand up and do just that “be great”!  I also think I realized that moment is never going to come.  The light switch will never just turn one day and I will wake up and not want to eat three double cheeseburgers.   That you are going to wake up every day and feel great about yourself and what you are doing with your life.  Those things just don’t happen.  They take work.  The road ahead of me to get back to where I was just 3 years ago is long and very hard.  The road ahead that appears less and less likely.  However, I don’t know how to quit.  It doesn’t matter how many times I fall down, I get back.  It doesn’t matter how many attempts I make and get ignored, or go down in flames, I just keep making them.  I am if nothing else resilient in my pursuit of what I want and my dreams.   In two days I make a daring move that I truly do believe will star to give me my life back.  It is just the first step in a much longer road.  On Thursday a new journey begins as I pack my house in San Jose, a place that I thought I would stay at for a long time, and move to the Tri-Valley.  My birthday gift to myself today is going to see my house completely painted and floored for the first time.  That is a pretty good gift.  Then tomorrow it will be cleaned and Thursday afternoon I will be in and that is pretty exciting!  So a new house equal a new life?  Maybe?  I think the one thing I have to keep focusing on in my 41^st year is learning life isn’t all or nothing.   So a new life is probably a bit of an overstatement.  I am just going to make the life I have even better.  The road I travel is long, some of it will be dark but much more of it will be light.  Each day I will try to just get a little bit better than before.  I know a few things.  41will be greater than 40.  Less time in the car because my home is closer means more time for my life.  So, in year 41 the revolution will continue.  Tweaks will be made.  Movement will happen more and more often.  A return to the pool and masters swim is on the horizon.  Also we can’t forget about puppy.  There will be a puppy before the end of 2016.  That much I have decided.  A new big house, needs a new friend and roomie.  I think it will be very good for me to have to take care of something more than myself.  Plus two walks a day won’t kill me.  Or god let’s hope I haven’t fallen that far just yet.  No more looking back, only looking ahead to the New Year!  The 41^st.  I got a feeling that it is going to be a great year and I am so very excited about that!