Get out of the car Bill

“Get out of the car Bill!” it is a scream coming from the dark places of your mind. You know it a serious to because you are referring to yourself by Bill not Billy b. 

“Get out of the car Bill!”

You hang up the phone, the news is bad, and the news is always bad anymore.  You promised you wouldn’t let it affect you.  How can it not.  The whole world is going to shit and you have always been the one with empathy.  You’ve always felt is more than everyone else. 

“Get out of the car Bill!”

The light goes out in the garage and you sit in the dark with the only light radiating from the dash board.  The garage door is open and you can see into the night in your rearview mirror.  Your hands are at ten and two, you are ready, ready to go back into the night.

“Get out of the car Bill!”

You promised yourself you wouldn’t.  You promised the person on the other end of the phone you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t go into the night, you wouldn’t go back out and that you wouldn’t go the driver thru again.

“Get out of the car Bill!”

You sit there though.  In the dark and the old familiar battle wages itself.  You tell yourself you can always start again tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a new day and this will be the last trip. This will be the last time you tell people you are going home and you end up in the drive thru.  How many last times have there been?  There have been way too many to count.  There just has been so many “this is the last time”. 

“Get out of the car Bill!”

You stare at the ceiling of the car.  The old battle wages on and on, like it has every day for as long as you can remember.  All you see is the darkness around you.  It is dark, so very dark.  

“Get out of the car Bill!”

What is the point?  You can’t change things.  Does it really matter if I go or stay?

“Get out of the car Bill!”

You can’t change anything.  All you can do is live in your present moment and do what is best for you.  One last time, then, and tomorrow we will start fresh, just one more fix, just one more trip, I just need one more.  

“Get out of the car Bill!”

There is nothing down that road for you.  What did you say was the difference between you and other addicts?  No matter what they are an addict of?  That you wanted to get better?  If you wanted to get better than act like you want to get better.  Do something to make you better.  Don’t allow this to sink your ship, because you are on the rise.  Let the rest fall, but do what you need to do for you?  You have come out above all this; you have done all you can do.  You can’t change the world.  It isn’t your job to change the world. The world is not yours to change.  Only your reality can you impact.

“Get out of the car Bill!”

There is nothing in that drive thru for you.  You have been down that path.  You know that only thing that will come is the shaming.  How are you going to focus on your positive mental attitude if all you do is shame yourself?  You can’t.  You have Chili inside, and you know it is good chili, b/c you make the good stuff.  Eat that.  Hell go in and eat that and make some tots.  Whatever you do, don’t go back into the night.  Don’t continue to drift.  You are better than that.  You have to be.  You can live your life.  By your rules and it can be a happy and good life, even if the world is falling to shit all around you.  What matters is your reality and what you make of it.  

“Get out of the car Bill!”

Far too long have you allowed the world hold your leash.  Let others dictate who you are and who you are supposed to be.  Living up to the expectation which is less than what you can be.  You can’t change the world.  You just can’t.  It wasn’t ever fair of you to think you could or should.  It will be what it is.  

“Get out of the car Bill!”

Wake up.  I know it is dark, but things are always darkest before they become light.  Remember your code of honor.  Remember there is no love in a double QPC, there is no love in a French fry.  You chili is good.  Tator tots in the house are better than filling yourself with garbage from M’s. 

“Get out of the fucking car Bill!”

  My right hand moves to the gear shift.  It wraps around it.  It flexes once, twice, it pulls the button, it releases it.  There really is nothing down that path.

“Get out of the fucking car Bill!”

I look down into the darkness.  I let out a breath of air. Then it happens quickly.  I reach again with my right hand, knowing all hope is lost.  And…

“Get out of the fucking car Bill!”

I push the blue button and I hear the familiar powering down of my car.  It sounds like a space ship turning of.  I sit there, but not for long and I get out of the car.  A victory was won on this night.  I ate over my calories.  1800 is to low and maybe I didn’t need a half order of homemade tots, but it was better than the alternative.   I had a 700 calories meal rather a 700 calorie sandwich, and all the add-ons, which would put me around 2200 calories after all the fries and soda, and sauce.  So, we won last night.  And today is a new day.  We started with a good breakfast from Whole Foods, getting ready for a little lunch now and maybe a walk this afternoon.   I won’t out own the worlds shit.  All I can do is own my shit.   

And all I can do is keep making better decisions each and every day.  

And, after all I DID GET OUT OF THE CAR

+1 for Billy b