A Reaper Rising

A Reaper Rising…

I don’t know why I needed to have; I just knew I needed to have it.  I was looking for a Black Reaper Funko Pop doll and when I saw the Black Reaper’s Mask, I knew I needed it.  Ever since I first watched “Darker Than Black” I have felt strangely attached to the Black Reaper.  Not in the, I am going to put the mask on get my Katana Sword off the wall and go deal out justice type of way.  I just find him, well, just so fucking cool.  He isn’t my usual hero type either.  He isn’t the anti-hero.  He isn’t Eddie Dean, Jamie Lannister, or Matrim Cauthon type who doesn’t want to be there but ends up having to be heroic despite his demons.  He certainly isn’t Jon Snow born and destined to be noble, but at the same time overlook by everyone because of his perceived low birth status.  The Black Reaper is more like Spooky Mulder I guess, in a way just trying to figure out what happened to his sister and the girl he loved. 

The Black Reaper has always symbolized to me someone who does the right thing at his own expense.  He is conflicted though between wanting that “normal life” and finishing his mission or missions.  There is a strange blend of innocence and malice in the character.   Now grant it I have only watched the first series of “Darker Than Black” and in a lot of ways I feel like that is all I need to watch to really understand him.  Eventually I will watch the “Gemini of the Meteor” episodes but I am in no hurry.   However, like most art this is what it means to me and is my interpretation.  To me the Black Reaper is a hero and one of my top 5 characters ever.  No order here but Eddie Dean, Jon Snow, Jamie Lannister, The Black Reaper, and Matrim Cauthon.    Hmm… where does that leave El Joker?  Not the time for the now Mr. J, not that time for that now. 

The Black Reaper is special and I can’t quite pinpoint why.  I know that when I imagine myself transforming into the Triathlete I know I am, it is not the Billy b or the Black Fish I see, but it is always the Black Reaper.  The Black Reaper rising out of the ashes of a broken life to be something more than what anyone ever thought he could be.  Anyone?  Is that right?  No, I guess the true sentence should be: The Black Reaper rising out of the ashes of a broken life to be something more than I thought I could be.  In these fantasies I make enough money to buy out the Darker Than Black rights so that I can play with the universe that is created.  I also always have the Black Reaper tattooed right on the back of my left shoulder.  I also have a bike helmet that is the Black Reaper’s mask.    Why is this part of the fantasy I don’t know?  Perhaps it is because I feel like my weight is as mask and right underneath it is this man waiting and desperately fighting to come out from underneath it all.  Shit I don’t know. 

You need to understand The Black Reapers world.  It is a world of super powers and battles of good vs. evil.  The powers are very similar to that of many X-men I guess.  Weather control, mind control, high pitched sonic blasts; you know it the Darker Than Black universe has it.  However, the powers don’t come free and I am sure if you read between the lines in many comic books you also realize powers don’t come free, but sometimes it looks that way.  Each power in the Darker Than Black universe comes with a price.  Some people have eat packs of cigarettes, others have to get drunk, some have to eat till they make themselves sick, drinking hot milk, or even ripping your own hair out.  After all with the powers they much "pay the price” of their contract.  Now isn’t that so much cooler than just being able to shape shift, or shoot lasers form your eyes.  If you do it for good or bad, you do it and then you punish yourself, to me that is pretty epic.  Some time I will write a story like this and people will say you took ideas from Darker Than Black and I will say your goddamned right I did.  It is a huge influence on my fiction. 

I hold the Mask of the Reaper in my hands and I look down at it.  I look at it and think I had to order this for myself.  However, if there was one person, just one out there that truly knew me and understood me and all of this, they would have ordered it for me and given it to me.  Sometimes that makes me very, very sad.  To feel alone in the world and feel like no one understands you, or what you do, or what you have been through.  These thoughts are fleeting.  They don’t stay long and they are forgotten.  They are forgotten because I choose not to think of them.  I choose to happiness.  I choose to focus my life force in a new way and a new direction.  A force that is powerful and can override that of the fleeting sadness or the obsessions that lurk in the dark corners of my mind.   

I lay in bed last night.  Kona snug as a bug in a rug in her crate.  I could hear her snores.  For a little girl she snores a lot.  As lay there and closed my eyes to drift off into dreamland.  I thought about the last few weeks.  Living sugar and fast food free has been good to me.  Sure the scale is moving slower than expected.  Doesn’t matter because I feel good and I lay there last night in bed and I was happy.  Really happy and I knew that I was on my path.  It has been a long deviation from being on the path, but I know that I am on it.  I am not trying to be perfect, I am not trying to be a super hero, and I am just trying to be me, and taking things one meal at a time, one day at time. 

This morning I had energy.  I chased Kona around the living room for like three minutes.  I would do a fast walk waddle behind her trying to take her toy.  She would run circles around the room.  It was fun.  I have more and more energy for little shit like that every day.  It is these small little victories that give me hope.  That show me I am walking the walk.  I have closed all three rings for 23 days in a row now.  The movement is there.  I started a bocce ball league at work.   37 people have signed up so far.  I really have my work cut out for me.  However, I have the energy to do this now.  That is great!

otitis externa and obession with the three rings

The last week has been a blur to me for the most part equal parts obsession and pain.  It really all started on Monday afternoon from what I can remember.  When I had this small pain right behind my right ear.  It felt like there was a tightness or some swelling going on.  I did what I normally do in these situations I ignored it, said it was probably just allergies and then shoved a Q-tip in my ear as far I possible could and tried to mine for ear gold, I failed, there was nothing to mine.  So, I went about my business.  Until later that night my Apple watch popped up a weekly report that said I had achieved all my goals for the week except I missed on Tuesday (a known rest day), Thursday (Solo Day)  and Saturday (Wait, what the fuck, Saturday?)  No no no, I did a work out, I got my thirty minutes of exercise.  This was some bull shit.


So I scrolled back thru the watch and noticed that yes each day last week I had hit my stand goal.  Which is simply just making sure you are up moving around for a minute of so each day for 12 days. Then I went back and saw exercise: Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday (memorial day), so why in the fuck didn't I get my three rings.  Well apparently on Saturday I didn't burn enough calories.  My goal is 1390.  I am not 100% sure why that is my goal, but it came from some where, I don't know but it has been programed into my watch since inception.  I can't recall, what I can recall was being pretty pissed that I didn't achieve my goal on Saturday when I had worked out and worked out pretty good.  I just magically assumed if i did my workout goal, that I would make my calorie goal and all three rings would be closed.  You would think for someone who hadn't paid a bit of attention to the closing of the rings for the first year he wore the watch that it wouldn't be that big of a deal, oh but it was, and oh it would be. 


Tuesday the ear wasn't right.  It just didn't feel good.  It felt clogged, I couldn't hear out of it, i would have moments of pain and most of all I just couldn't stop touching it or rubbing at it or picking at it.  All day long, meeting after meeting, i would rub on my ear.  A few people told me to go to the doctor, but I knew I didn't need too, I just needed some swimmers ear and all would be right with the world.  So, I had an employee pick me up some at lunch.  I added it into the ear and there was not tingling, not pop, no nothing.  It just felt like I had added molasses to my ear. I spoke to everyone who would talk to me at work about ear infections and swimmers ears.  I got a tone of advice.  I even had one employee tell me they once found a mushroom growing in his ear.  The most consistent advice was go see a doctor. 


I was not going to go to the doctor. I just didn't think I needed too.  I thought it was silly.  I have had swimmers ear before and I never went.  Then some pointed out to me that urgent care for Stanford/Valleycare was literally in our office parking lot and I could just walk over there and see if there was a line. So, I did.  There was not line.  I checked in.  I sat, I waited for about 10 minutes, nurse came and got me.  She was cute, I tried to flirt, I did not do so well at it.  The doctor came in, looked in my ear and said OMG,  you have an ear infection.  Your ear is actually redder than this, he pointed to the crimson on the Stanford logo, and I knew that was pretty red.  He gave me some antibiotics and some norcos.  I scoffed at the pain meds.  Why the hell would I need pain meds?  In less than 24 hours I would know why.


The other thing he gave me was note excusing me from work.  I had never actually had one of those before and he said I was going to need it for rest.  Again, I was scoffing at this man internally. I would need no time off from work.  Well at the time of this writing I am on my fourth sick day and regretting my scoffing for sure. 


When I work up on Wednesday I knew something was terribly wrong.  My ear felt clogged, like someone had blown up a balloon in my ear and it was wanting to pop but wouldn't.  That is how it felt most of the day.  Then the needle poking started.  Not really but it is what it felt like that someone was poking my inner ear with a needled.  The needle to a knife by mid afternoon, but I was still able to sleep on Wednesday night. 


As I lie in bed on Wednesday night I looked down at my watch and noticed that stand ring was closed, workout ring was closed (knife or no knife I did a little weight lifting in the back yard), but the calorie ring was not closed.  I flipped back to Tuesday and somehow I had closed all three rings, could have been the water bottle workout i did at my desk, but I don't recall now.  Monday's had been closed too.  So, now I had to get Wednesday done.  However, I was tired and I was in pain.  I needed to 200 calories.  So, i did what any rational person would have done, i started to jazzercise in my bed.  Well not really.  However, i started to do arm curls with no weights, bench presses, and flies.  I think I did these for a total of 20 minutes or so and finally the stupid calorie ring closed itself off.  I would do better the next day.


The knife in my ear turned to a Katana blade on Thursday and I knew there would be no work for me.  What I didn't know is one hour of sleep was waiting for me that night and  I would finally break down and start using the pain medication.  It was also the first time I noticed I was getting a nice gross liquid out of my ear.  It was disgusting.  Thursday was laying around resting, but god damn it I would have my workout ring closed.  So, to the cooler I went, and pain or no pain, I squatted, I kicked, I tapped, I shrugged and the cooler workout was completed.  I still had another 500 calories to burn though but I figured it would just happen over the course of the day.  It shouldn't be at all surprising that when I went to bed I was 300 calories short of my my goal for the day.  And even with every turn of my head being extremely, extremely painful, I started to do my bed time exercises again.  I have learned that of all the in bed exercises the one that seems to do that best is the fly curl as I call it.  However, I added leg stretches, leg lifts, leg kicks and butterflies to the workout.  After another 20 minutes of moving or so, i got to my goal. 


I know what you are thinking.  Why not just get up and walk around.  The answer is b/c when I go to bed  am fucking tired and I don't feel like I can give anymore.  If you are saying that, then you are saying that you are actually cheating and not really earning those calories being burned.  I say to you suck it, i move, i burn calories, I get credit, who cares when and how I do them. So, shut up you!


Friday morning after one hour of sleep and taking Kona to the day care, I decided to call the GP and go see her.  The pain in my ear was to much to stand.  Also, when I couldn't sleep thursday night I forced a few Q-tips in and some swimmer ear ear drops and well it only made things worse.  The ear canal gods were anger and the pain they rained down on my was fierce.  By the way the Qtip might be the most disgusting thing I ever saw when it came back out.  It literally had blood on it and some other liquid, I can only assume was liquid ear wax or puss, either way, can you say ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


The doctor is an angel of the gods.  Truly, I love that women. Well other than when she forced her ear looker thing into my ear canal which was swollen shut.  That part hurt, hurt really, really bad.  However, she confirmed I had otitis externa or ear canal infection.  She told me my ear was so swollen that she could barely see the drum.  She was going to give me a more powerful antibiotic and a steroid ear drop.  I wanted to hug her b/c I knew any thing would have to be better than what I had.  By end of day Friday even with ear drop and steroid the entire right side of my face still hurt.  However, once again my rings would not be denied.  I did a 30 minute workout on the cooler of course.  Then in bed I had to do ten minutes of fly curls and then rings closed.  


Saturday I woke up and my ear was still clogged but it was getting better the ear was still super sensitive to the touch but it was getting better and the pain was reseeding.  i could now only feel it in my inner ear and not longer in my check and neck.  I celebrated Saturday with a 40 minute workout on the cooler of course.  I burned all my calories well before bed time too.  Little yard work helped out with that.  


Sunday the ear was even better.  Still sore to the touch but no more throbbing pain.  No more sudden moments of suddenly feeling like someone was jabbing me with knife in the ear drum.  The ear was and is still clogged but so much better than it was.  I came off the pain killers every four hours on Sunday.  That one smacks you a little bit on a the way down and moved OTC Tylenol a few times a day.  I prepped tow meals for the week.  Then I cranked out another cooler workout and by the time I was done with dinner on Sunday night my watch went off letting me know all three goals had been achieved and I had the first perfect week I have had with my apple watch.


Home again today.  I needed the sleep.  Friday was only 3 hours of sleep and Saturday was better but the painkillers made me itchy and it was not quality sleep.  I need another rest day, plus I had hoped my ear would unclog today, but it looks like it won't and that is ok, I will keep taking my antibiotics and ear drops and I see the doctor again neck week.  


I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about last week.  Not the ear infection and the recovery, b/c those are two things, I would never wish on anyone.  I have not felt pain like that in a very long time. I would have to go back to my elbow surgery to come close.  Even my worse stomach pain earlier this year was nothing compared to the horror of ottis externa.  What  am excited about is all week I never broke my detox, no matter how many times i wanted to turn to food as the comfort for the pain in my ear.  Also, that I am aware of my movements and calorie burns and that I do more active stuff to reach my goals.  I find it important to do it.  I really don't know what has gotten into me lately, I am just laser focused  and wanting to do the right thing for me.  If I can do it thru extreme pain and illness I can do it through anything.   =)